[Quacnar]

Tales of Cozicus and Avera:
Part 1: Introductions

I
Cozicus is the god of trickery and deception. To all gods he is infamous for his pranks on mortals and gods alike. He is often the scapegoat of crimes thjat he may or may not have commited. Due to his lack of kindness towards others, Cozicus is a very lonely god who dreams of a certain partner.

“Ah what a beauty she is” Cozicus thought to himself.

“One day she will be mine and mine only”

He was talking of the majestic goddess Avera. Avera was the goddess of honesty and nobility and was desired sexually by many gods. Cozicus knew that Avera would never love him, but in being the trickster and con man of the gods, he decided that he would trick Avera into falling in love with him. Cozicus usually took an extremely small amount of time to come up with his tricks and pranks, but this was a special occasion. He was going to put much thought into this trick as it was going to be his greatest one he has ever pulled.



II
“What a beautiful day today is” the goddess of honesty thought to herself.

“I can’t wait for my daily stroll”

Avera was a simplistic, good-hearted goddess. She always did what was right and noble. So it was pretty fitting that she was the goddess of honesty and nobility. Despite her overall love for gods and mortal life, she hated one person and one person only. That person was Cozicus, the god of deception and trickery. She felt that Cozicus was an insult to all gods and goddesses and that he should be banished from the land. She wonders why trickery and deception should exist, so she really doesn’t see the point of the two vices getting their own personal god. She eventually came to the decision that she would not take action against Cozicus unless he did something extremely foolish and immoral. Of course she did not realize that in taking her stroll, it would result in her taking action.

[Lightning Star]

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Avera was a simplistic, good-hearted goddess. She always did what was right and noble. So it was pretty fitting that she was the goddess of honesty and nobility.

The second sentence sounds redundant. If you wanted to make a note of why she earned her title, you might say something like "Being the goddess of honesty and nobility, she always did what was right and virtuous." (I wouldn't use honest, because that too sounds redundant).

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She wonders why trickery and deception should exist, so she really doesn’t see the point of the two vices getting their own personal god

When you start writing with past tense, use it continually. It sounds akward to start a paragraph with past tense, then stick a sentence in there that's present tense. The way I would write it would be:

"Wondering why trickery and deception should exist, she couldn't see the point of the two voices getting their own personal god"

Note that I took out the first she. When you have a lot of one noun, proper or pronoun, it can make your story sound choppy. Starting a sentence out with a verb phrase is a good way to eliminate this problem, plus add variety to your sentence structure.

But other than those grammar issues, I'd say your main idea for the story is great. Keep writing; you'll get the hang of it!

[Moonear]

Colin, can you post the other parts of the story, I didn't get the chance to read them at school. My myth is not going to be nearly as creative or good as yours. :P

[Quacnar]

ihatekraden, on Jan 28 2008, 07:01 PM, said:

Colin, can you post the other parts of the story, I didn't get the chance to read them at school. My myth is not going to be nearly as creative or good as yours. :ph34r:

Sure heres the second part of the series:

Tales of Cozicus and Avera:
Part 2: Pectionde

I
Avera walked out of her quaint household, leaving the thoughts of Cozicus behind her. She enjoyed the natural beauty of the park and its inhabitants. Year round she’d take these strolls, regardless of weather. When questioned why she took these actions, (as she often was) her reply was simply that she enjoyed all as aspects of nature. No one questioned this response as she was the goddess of honesty, but it was actually a complete lie. She was really searching for a companion and who knows; maybe today will be the day she finds one…



II
“There he is” Avera thought to herself

“He is the love of my life”

Avera was convinced that the handsome young man that she had laid her eyes upon was her destined mate. He was perfect in every way in her eyes.

“He had luscious eyes with shiny silk like black hair and blue eyes that seemed to be two radiant fountains. His smile could make any girl faint and he had just the right height, weight, and attitude. He was tall and skinny yet strong and masculine. His skin was a brownish color that reminded her of nature and sheer beauty.” Avera thought all of these things the moment she got a glimpse of him. She must talk to him and she must have him. As she walked over to him with somewhat of a great pace she slipped. As she fell down she thought too herself: “What a great impression to make”, but before she hit the ground two powerful yet soothing arms caught her. She looked up and surely enough it was the man of her dreams. Before she could respond she heard his soothing voice say “Hello darling, my name is Pectionde.”

and dont worry about the myth Haaris, Im sure youll do fine.

[Lightning Star]

Alright, just note, this only constructive criticism!

Alright, so this one improved in redundancy. (Good job!) Now the thing you still need to work on is sentence structure. Again, starting a sentence with a -ing verb will help make your sentences more interesting and flowing. Also, unless you're using a pronoun when someone thinks (i.e. "Oh he has such beautiful eyes, I wish he was mine"), you don't need to put thoughts in quotes, you can just say that they thought that. (Another trick I use is putting thoughts in italics, that way you know that the words not spoken, as quotations lead people to assume that they are.)

Now, a tip for chapters. Cliffhangers leave people wanting more. Instead of saying that the handsome dude caught her, a good way to keep people wanting to read more is to leave off with the fact that she fell. (Also, how did he get from being one place to right underneath her when she fell in .02 seconds? XD)

Last tip is a plot tip. The fact that the guy she was swooning over her caught her is well, really cliché. Like I said, he seems like superman to be able to go from being one place to being able to catch her right when she fell. Maybe have her fall into a waterfall, and then he would notice her. Or maybe have her fall, but into Cozicus' arms instead. (which is a bit cliché as well, but could serve for some good humor.)

I hope I wasn't too picky; writing is one of my favorite hobbies, and I'm used to critiquing fellow fan-authors' writings. Hey, at least you know I like you. If I didn't, I wouldn't bother critiquing. You and this story have great potential! :D

[Quacnar]

^Thank you, I appreciate your critique and I really like your italic idea in particular. It is important in the story that he catches her in .02 seconds and he does it in this chapter. You'll see... ...chapter 3 now.

Tales of Cozicus and Avera:
Part 3: The Attack

I
So it was decided that Avera and Pectionde were going to wed soon. Pectionde was in deep love with Avera as she was with him. This whole scenario disgusted Cozicus.

“How dare this man, this Pectionde, take what is rightfully mine!” Cozicus shouted to his colleagues “Who is he to betroth the woman I love?”

Cozicus felt this problem must be dealt with. He had bounty made on Pectionde. Whoever returned to Cozicus with the head of Pectionde would get the sum of 6 billion Cozicoins (equal in value of 10 billion dollars).

Later that day Cozicus’s good colleague asked him casually “How’s everything going?”

“Better than expected” Cozicus responded.



II
Pectionde and Avera decided to take a nice stroll in the park the night before they’d wed. It was a beautiful night and to Avera the whole thing seemed very romantic. As they were walking and talking romantically to each other, four men come out of the bushes and lunged towards Pectionde. They were very stealthy and had sharp swords that were stained with blood. In response Avera chanted the following mystic words: “Evil and despair go back to Hade’s lair!!” immediately 2 of the men disappeared and all that was left behind were their blades. Mean while Pectionde pulled out his sword, which looked similar to that of the opposing men’s blades. He, in one strike, cut off both of the opposing men’s heads,

“Why did they attack us?” Avera inquired

“I don’t think it was you they were after, my sweet” Pectionde responded “They were trying to kill me”

“But why would anyone attack you?” Avera wondered aloud “Do you have any enemies?”

“None that come to mind” Pectionde responded “I am not sure what’s going on here”

“I’ll find out what really happened, darling” Avera said with assurance “Let’s go home”

As they were about to go, Avera spotted something with the corner of her eye.

“It all makes sense now” Avera thought to herself

[Lightning Star]

Cozicus! How dare he!

You're becoming better already! Just watch punctuation and other small errors like that.

God I feel like my English teacher. XD

[Quacnar]

Icy, on Feb 4 2008, 08:58 PM, said:

Cozicus! How dare he! IT GETS WORSE

You're becoming better already! Just watch punctuation and other small errors like that.
I DONT KNOW HOW TO PUNCTUATE WITH QUOTES REALLY, AND THATS WHERE MOST OF THE MISTAKES LIE.
God I feel like my English teacher. XD I HATE WHEN I FEEL "RESPONSIBLE"