[Riyna]

I am not honestly sure why I'm doing this on a forum that I've barely joined--but you all seem like nice people and I honestly do want advice on this. T_T

--

I have some family issues going on right now, that have roughly been in effect since May or so. I used to live with my mom, but I had issues with her boyfriend--who was, for all intensive purposes, an asshole who I hated and did something to me that he shouldn't have--and with my mom, who was both a ***** and treated me like crap. Something happened in May that just made me snap and realize I couldn't keep letting my mom have second chances. So, I moved out, albeit not in the most traditional way. I stayed with some friends for a while, then moved in with my dad here in Los Angeles.

My dad has been the most supportive, single most awesome person ever. But the problem is not my dad.

It's my mom.

She, from what I can tell, is really upset from me leaving because I singlehandedly kept her house running and because she can't control me anymore. (I suspect she's more upset about the latter than the former.) Her boyfriend doesn't make things easy either, as he keeps insisting that I'm lying and that he never did anything. My family knows what happened, roughly almost a year after it did because I was terrified about saying anything, since it was something that never happened before. I told my mom two months before my dad and would have gladly told my dad at the same time if I wasn't worried he was going to pummel the bastard into the dirt--which he very nearly did--however, my mom did nothing when I told her...and actually didn't confront her boyfriend until the day I pretty much decided I wasn't living with her any longer.

I haven't really spoken with my mom since I left her house. I acknowledge her presence, say hello to her, but never really have an honest to god conversation with her. I believe it stems from the last time I was all but forced into one with her on the phone, she pretty much implied I let her boyfriend do what he did to me on purpose (her reasoning was that I hated him that much) and that she believed him more than she believed me.

And then I yelled at her for the next hour and broke down into tears after I gave back the phone.

What is bothering me now is that her boyfriend is saying how he's "done with her" and that he "plans on leaving her". Granted, he's been going on and on about this since January, but what worries me is the outcome: my mom crawling back to me and tell me how wrong she was and oh, I should come back. I'll decline, because I haven't forgiven her in the slightest yet, which worries me because I know she'll make my life a living hell if I do.

The more I watch her, the more it seems like she's digging herself into a deeper and deeper hole because she can't get what she wants--she recently took a shot at my dad because she knows it will bother me--and as much as I want to help her, I can't, because it IS her life and she's entitled to live it how she pleases, even if it really hurts to watch.

What do I do with her? I wish I could say I could never have contact with her again, but goddamnit, she's my mom and I still love her.

[Split Infinity]

How exactly did your parents separate, if that's not too personal?

[Riyna]

My mom cheated on my dad with the same boyfriend she has now. They seperated when I was 12. I had known about the cheating since I was 7, but I was too scared to say anything and really didn't want to have to think about it. Looking back on it, I really wish I had said something.

[Split Infinity]

I don't know if you could have done much, it really sounds to me like he has an emotional control over her. I've heard stories of guys who can break apart a family like that. If he actually ends up leaving her it might be a good idea to take some time to talk to her, because she might just be a victim herself. I don't know. Hopefully you'll be able to figure it out.

[Riyna]

Y'see, the thing that really scares the **** out of me is that she might just be too far away for me to talk some sense into her. Lord knows I tried when I lived with her. She's convinced that her boyfriend is God and can do no wrong--he moved out for a week when they had an argument and I was still there and good God, I have never seen my mother so broken over that--and somehow, I don't think him leaving will do her any good.

Given he actually leaves, of course, because he's pulled this **** before. (I still need to call the cops on him for what he did to me but holy **** am I ever terrified to do so.)

[Split Infinity]

Cops, really? Well I'm not going to jump to any conlusions on what happened, but if it's something that bad then I think you should tell someone.

[Caael]

What did he do to you, if you dont mind me asking?

[Riyna]

Spoiler

He molested me when I was 17. I didn't tell my mom until March of this year, my dad was told in May when I left.

And as much as I'd love to go to the cops here and now, I don't think I have the emotional strength to do so--good god, I can't think about it too long without feeling horribly uncomfortable and panicky--and I know that while the bastard getting shoved into jail will be good for everyone, I don't know how my mom will handle it...I'm scared she'll do something crazy. T___T

I am really sorry if people feel uncomfortable about this, it's not my intention at all. I just want advice because I really don't know what the hell to do from here. @_@

[Drizzy Drake]

I would give you my advice, but you really don't want it.

[Caael]

Yeah, it's best you dont listen to Dipset :( Especially when he's giving advice.

Other than that, it's best to report him, if you have enough proof. Your mother is old and responsible enough to decide her actions so just leave her to her own devices and only step in if you feel she's out of control or something.

[Golden Legacy]

My God, I am so sorry about all this Riyna.

Regarding your mother, I am absolutely appalled that she would defend her boyfriend after what he did to you, and to even worse shift the blame on your shoulders. At the same time, I really do feel that she is, err, very misguided... from what you said, she seems to stand by her boyfriend and to place so much of her life and emotions into his hands.

How long has it been since you've had that phone conversation with her? Is her boyfriend still living with her, and is he still threatening to leave her?

And if you don't mind answering, do you think that (hypothetically), you dad would be willing to help your mom stay on her feet (if her boyfriend leaves)? Maybe support her financially, or (I know this is a tall order), maybe to even talk with her (and you too), together?

[Riyna]

Dipset: I have the feeling you'd have advice along the same lines as my dad, who basically went "KILL MAIM DESTROY DIE DIE DIE" and I spent forever trying to keep him from doing that--even if I'd love to take a baseball bat to the asshole myself, if it wasn't against the law. .____.

Golden Legacy: My mother and her boyfriend, along with my three younger sisters, all live in a house together, which worries me a little, because I don't want my sisters subjected to what he did to me. (My mom and her bf bought the house together, but it's an expensive house, one my mom certainly can't afford on her own.)

The phone conversation happened in early June. My mom never apologized for it, though she has been trying to be happy-happy buddy-buddy since then, much to my discomfort. Yes, her boyfriend is still threatening to leave her--but he's been off-and-on about that since January, so I'm less inclined to believe he'll actually do it.

I don't know if my dad can help support her financially--he doesn't have enough money to do that on a regular basis--but I'm sure we can talk to her, at the very least. I'm not sure how well I'll be able to handle it having a conversation with her like that--I don't want my dad to go talk to her on his own, the last time he did, my mom's boyfriend showed up and wouldn't leave--but I can do that much at least. I can't say if she'll listen or not...she's a very stubborn woman who believes that because she's an adult, she's automatically right in everything.

Damnit, sometimes I wish I could say **** it and not bother with my mom anymore. T___T

[Split Infinity]

But you have to at least say something...I mean, this is the exact reason why most abuse charges go unheard. People are terrified to stand up for themselves. Whether he ends up in the slammer or not, he shouldn't be able to get away with it.

I guess you could bring it down to how much you still care about your mother. Would you rather her have to cope with the realization that she was wrong, or let her keep on living with a monster like that?

[Drizzy Drake]

Riyna, on Aug 13 2008, 05:06 PM, said:

Dipset: I have the feeling you'd have advice along the same lines as my dad, who basically went "KILL MAIM DESTROY DIE DIE DIE" and I spent forever trying to keep him from doing that--even if I'd love to take a baseball bat to the asshole myself, if it wasn't against the law. .____.

Golden Legacy: My mother and her boyfriend, along with my three younger sisters, all live in a house together, which worries me a little, because I don't want my sisters subjected to what he did to me. (My mom and her bf bought the house together, but it's an expensive house, one my mom certainly can't afford on her own.)

The phone conversation happened in early June. My mom never apologized for it, though she has been trying to be happy-happy buddy-buddy since then, much to my discomfort. Yes, her boyfriend is still threatening to leave her--but he's been off-and-on about that since January, so I'm less inclined to believe he'll actually do it.

I don't know if my dad can help support her financially--he doesn't have enough money to do that on a regular basis--but I'm sure we can talk to her, at the very least. I'm not sure how well I'll be able to handle it having a conversation with her like that--I don't want my dad to go talk to her on his own, the last time he did, my mom's boyfriend showed up and wouldn't leave--but I can do that much at least. I can't say if she'll listen or not...she's a very stubborn woman who believes that because she's an adult, she's automatically right in everything.

Damnit, sometimes I wish I could say **** it and not bother with my mom anymore. T___T

Plead temporary insanity. Trust me it works.

Or just threaten to stab him. Scare him a little. Put it to his neck. You know, the whole schabang. That's what I did. If he calls the cops, it's your word against his, plus, you have that whole other thing on him anyway.

[Mallick]

As much as I feel for you, given your situation, going to the police won't give you much help. It's been such a long time since the incident, they'll probably go to your mother and hear her story and choose to believe her more than you.

The way I see it, your life is only as good as the people your surround yourself with. If she's going to make life terrible; be a controlling ***** and whatnot, you shouldn't deal with her. Be adult about it though.

On the topic of this 'incident,' the best thing to do may be to just move on if you DO go to the police and they DON'T believe you. Don't let it scar you for the rest of your life, someone stupid did something stupid. That is that.

[Drizzy Drake]

Anonymous, on Aug 13 2008, 09:39 PM, said:

As much as I feel for you, given your situation, going to the police won't give you much help. It's been such a long time since the incident, they'll probably go to your mother and hear her story and choose to believe her more than you.

The way I see it, your life is only as good as the people your surround yourself with. If she's going to make life terrible; be a controlling ***** and whatnot, you shouldn't deal with her. Be adult about it though.

On the topic of this 'incident,' the best thing to do may be to just move on if you DO go to the police and they DON'T believe you. Don't let it scar you for the rest of your life, someone stupid did something stupid. That is that.

You have 5 years to report a crime, unless it's murder, which has no statute of limitations.

[Mallick]

Anonymous, on Aug 13 2008, 06:39 PM, said:

they'll probably go to your mother and hear her story and choose to believe her more than you.

I guess I wasn't specific. What I meant is, by the sounds of how her mother is, she'll probably attempt to cover up for her boyfriend. "She's just upset with us because we wouldn't buy her a pony, she left to live with her father and now she's making claims that he has done ___ to her."

Not literally a pony, you know what I mean though.

[Riyna]

Anon, you prove a good point, something that I hadn't previously thought of before. You're right. If she's going to make everything difficult, I need to be the bigger person and not put up with her ****--put an end to this before this gets ugly. I think I might still go to the police, but not at this point in time. I still do need to stand up for myself in that respect too--I'd hate to not go through with it and wonder what-if's later on in life. T_T

Thank you for the advice, everyone. It really does mean a lot to me--this has been stressing me out for a while. @_@

For now, at least, I'll take everything a day at a time--take some time to get back into the normal swing of things again.

[TheEnglishman]

That's probably the best way to take it. I couldn't give any real advice because I just can't possibly imagine what it's like.