[ThankMeLater]

I'm sorry guys. For everything. Every insult, every unnecessary argument, every ego boost, everything. I don't know why I"m writing this... nothing really pushed me towards it. Maybe it's for forgiveness, maybe it's acceptance.. fucked if I know. All I really know is I don't want to leave this place like I've left so many relationships. I don't lie here, I've always sold drugs, I've always been great at skateboarding, but you guys take my cockyness and pride as me saying my life is perfect. It's not. It never has been. And as I grow farther away from the security and comfort of life at home, my mood drastically drops as I feel I have nowhere to go, nothing to do, no ambitions. I don't wanna grow old. It scares me, it truly does. I woke up twenty minutes ago, and all I can think of is failure.

I don't wanna turn out like everybody else I see in my life. On the street shooting heroin needles, or in some run down house looking for someone to rob simple so I can have a donut, or sandwich. This isn't the life I saw at 10, or want to see now, but as every day passes I come closer to the realization that that is my destiny, that I will not succeed in whatever I have planned for myself. You guy are right.. always have been. This lifestyle... ME.. it only screams fail. I don't know what to do with myself. For months I've stayed up at night, staring at the ceiling, trying with everything I have to sleep, and not think about the troubles in my life. I'll wake up like I have now, and smoke 30$ worth of weed just so I don't cry myself to sleep. I'm lost.. confused.. struggling to maintain a healthy state of mind.

I think I hoped that writing this would change anything, but it wont. I will wake up and do everything over again. No big epiphany will come from this, no revelation will occur. I will simply feel better for the time being. But I guess that helps. The momentary release of the problems in your life. Like a legal, healthy drug. I wanted to get some things off my chest, whether they pertained at all to you guys is irrelevant. I don't feel like you guys will judge me for this, whereas I have doubts what my friends might say. I was going to write a personal apology to a few of you, but tried 3 times on Toasty's, and it just sounded awkward and emo. So in place of that, I'm sorry. Toasty, Icy, Killer, Watch, Tom, everybody.. I'm sorry.

[My Best Wishes]

Can't say I know you or your families circumstances at all, it's been awhile since I had a conversation with anyone here outside of here but if you think I have any beef with you, you're fine. I don't hold grudges or hold back forgiveness, internet or real life. Forgiveness seems to be the wrong word, not everyone shares my beliefs and I am a arrogant person on some issues, add to the fact you can say anything or be anything online and I'm sure I come across worse then I am really. Maybe the same applies to you.

[Eugine]

I know you are an atheist, but honestly, you should try praying. It honestly works for me.

I am subscribed to "Today's Word with Joel & Victoria" newsletter, and uh, this was today's email.

Quote

Joy Comes in the Morning

TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"…weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning"
(Psalm 30:5, NLT)

TODAY'S WORD from Joel and Victoria
The Scripture says in Psalms that joy comes in the morning. When you wake up each morning, God sends you a special delivery of joy. It comes knocking at your door. When you get up in faith and make the declaration that "this is going to be a good day," do you know what you just did? You just answered the door. You just received the gift of joy that God sent to you. The problem is that some people never answer the door. Joy has been knocking for months and months, years and years saying, "Come on! Let me in! You can be happy! You can cheer up! You can enjoy your life!"

I don't know about you, but I've made up my mind that I'm going to answer the door for joy. I'm going to wake up every morning and say, "Father, thank You for another beautiful day. I'm going to be happy. I'm going to enjoy this day. I'm going to brighten somebody else's life. I am choosing to receive Your gift of joy, today!"

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Heavenly Father, thank You for joy. Thank You for peace. Thank You for walking me through the difficult times. I choose today to answer the door for joy every single morning so that I can walk in the strength You have given to me. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Seems to apply to your situation. I'm telling yah, situations like this makes me believe God does in fact exist. God is working through me, for you =P

[Mallick]

an hero

[I'm Always BROKE]

Eugine, on Apr 8 2010, 01:41 PM, said:

I know you are an atheist, but honestly, you should try praying. It honestly works for me.

I am subscribed to "Today's Word with Joel & Victoria" newsletter, and uh, this was today's email.
Seems to apply to your situation. I'm telling yah, situations like this makes me believe God does in fact exist. God is working through me, for you =P

Seriously, try it.

I'm a born and raised atheist as well, but recently I've learned how to pray. It may be difficult at first, a humble prayer. But it gets easier by time, and it'll effect your state of mind. You'll be less paranoid and may have less stress than before, so really it's all good.

Feel sorry for you though man, but stick in there. Never knew you really had such hard times where you live, but it's true that the place you live in can bring you down. But remember ; "Blessed is the man who walketh not in the counsels of the ungodly."

So basically, don't make them bring you down, and keep your head up while working on your future.

[gsninja]

Mike Babcock, on Apr 8 2010, 04:41 AM, said:

an hero

Hahahaha, I was almost gonna post this, but you beat me to it.

But still, just know that we still love you and you're always welcome here. <3

[Someone Else]

You don't want to end up a failure, so just don't. Don't focus on blaming anything for having a bad situation in life. Don't blame your community, your parents, yourself etc. put that energy into thinking of what you can do to better yourself. If you don't believe that failure is an option, you can help yourself to succeed.

Easier said than done I realize if you're surrounded by pessimism or lack of support, but ultimately the key to success is still just to have a good attitude.

[Lightning Star]

^What he said. Personally, I don't think any of us are actually bothered by you or your behavior. But I know its easy to get trapped in a rut, and like they say, misery loves company. When it boils down to it, the only one who can make your life better but that's up to you. You can always get help/assistance from other people, but you have to make that choice.

And like GSN said, we still love you, and if you wanna talk feel free to PM or add me on msn. :(

[Toasty]

It seems to me that you've come to a turning point in your life. For lack of a better way of putting it, you've hit your "rock bottom" of sorts.

From here, you have but a few simple options. Either you can continue to do what you've been doing all this time, and end up in the exact lifestyle you fear of the most, or you can take all that crap in your life, shove it up it's ass, and get on the ball.

Become a self fulfilling prophecy, or a complete failure. Those are your two options. Which do you want to take?


I appreciate the apology btw.

[Quacnar]

I think you're giving up on yourself too quickly. Nothing is destined, life can always change. It seems to me your fears are things that many fear. Fear of death. Fear of not leaving a good impression on people. Fear of not having a purpose in life. My grandfather died last night. I did not care much for him, but it was really the first death that has been someone who I know. I felt that maybe I hadn't made enough of an effort to be on good terms with him. But I realize that I must move forward, and try to do better with the next relationship. What do you want to do with your life? I'd try to figure out the answer to that question if I were you, and try to make steps to get to the answer. You might also want to see a psychologist in all seriousness (if it is a financially viable option). It might do you good to talk out your problems with someone. No matter what advice we all give you, I don't believe any of us are actually trained to help you. As you said, it feels better to talk about these things. As for saying this won't change anything, I know what you mean. I too feel frustrated when I'm upset about something, really wnat to fix it, but feel that I lack the ambition to do it. If its something that you want enough, you really should try to go for it, with all that you have. I really appreciate the apology.

[Eugine]

You should use paragraphs Colin.

Anyway, that was actually great advice man.

[Quacnar]

Eugine, on Apr 8 2010, 10:39 PM, said:

You should use paragraphs Colin.

Anyway, that was actually great advice man.

Probably, oh well. Thanks!

[Sea of Time]

You're a cool guy. I would buy your weed any day.

[Mallick]

Mike Babcock, on Apr 8 2010, 04:41 AM, said:

an hero

Diddy Kong, on Apr 8 2010, 05:17 AM, said:

Seriously, try it.

hahaha thats so fanny.