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Golden Sun: The Land Beyond The Falls Feel Free To Comment

#1   Hero Isaac 

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    • Interests:Golden Sun, of course! I also like other video games like Mario and Zelda. I also love to go on the computer. Some of my favorite websites are gaiaonline.com, google.com, and my own websites.

      Posted 05 August 2007 - 08:58 AM

    Welcome to my fanfic. I thought I would start my posting with a fanfic. Yes, this is my first post. Feel free to comment on my story, but don't be rude or stretch the page (it's rather annoying). Well, enjoy!

    Updates:
    8/5/07 - Started topic, Posted Prologue, Took Criticism From Spam King Without Blinking, Rewrote Prologue (now Chapter 1)

    http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b260/YoungAuthor/tlbtf.jpg
    By Hero Isaac

    Chapter One: Damsel From The Skies

    Welcome to the world of Weyard, home of the Elemental Lighthouses and Alchemy. This world was slowly rotting away, thanks to the seal on Alchemy. However, eight heroes have rose to the task of lighting the Elemental Lighthouses with the Elemental Stars, stolen from Sol Sanctum in Vale, a town on Angara.
    It hasn’t even been a week since that day. Our heroes have returned to Vale to find that it has been buried under the ground. Many of the townspeople have died.
    Now, Isaac, Felix, Jenna, Garet, Sheba, Ivan, Mia, and Picard, our eight heroes, have risen to the task of rebuilding Vale. Ok, Kraden helped a little.
    ------------------------------
    “Hold on, Shana!” Dart called. The blue and purple swirling vortex was just about to pull his best friend, Shana, into the next dimension.
    “I’m trying, Dart!” Shana cried. Her hand was clasped tightly to his.
    “I’m not strong enough, Shana! I can’t pull you up!”
    “Dart! Where did this portal come from?”
    “I don’t know, but I saw a huge flash from the heavens as it appeared!”
    Shana tried her hardest to hold on to Dart’s hand, but it was no use.
    “My hand’s slipping, Dart!” Shana cried. “I can’t hold on!”
    “You have to, Shana! I can’t lose you again!”
    “I’m sorry, Dart.” Shana’s grip slipped, as she fell into the portal, away from Dart.
    Dart stared at the portal as he saw his best friend fade from his view. He shook his head. “Shauna. I can’t lose you! Not again!” He said as he jumped into the portal after his girlfriend.
    -------------------------------
    Meanwhile, back at Vale, a blue and purple, swirling vortex opened in the sky.
    “Hey,” Isaac said. “What’s that?” he put down the wood he was carrying to build houses and pointed at the vortex.
    “It looks like a vortex.” Sheba said.
    “It is a vortex.” Kraden said.
    “Oh, boy,” Garet yawned. “Here comes another lecture. Wake me when it’s over.” Garet sat down by the nearest tree and started to snore.
    “This vortex looks similar to the one in the book of Alchemy. It is said that this vortex and transport things, and people, between Weyard and the world beyond Gaia Falls.”
    “There’s a world beyond Gaia Falls?” Jenna said excitedly. “Tell me more!” She jumped up and down anxiously awaited Kraden’s next lecture.
    “Garet,” Isaac called. “This is cool. You really should listen.”
    Garet opened one eye and yawned. “Fine.” She said, slowly getting up to listen to Kraden’s boring lecture.
    “This world beyond the falls is called Willard. It is a magical place where there is no Alchemic Seal. It is a luscious world with many advanced civilizations. Almost everyone there is an Adept, so you can imagine things are more fun. There were even different types of Adepts besides Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Mercury. Anyway, because this portal has opened, it means that us lighting the lighthouses has put Willard is danger. We must be ready for whatever comes out.”
    Our heroes pulled out their weapons and readied for battle. They were ready for anything, except for what was really coming out.
    “AHHHHHHHHHHH!”
    Out of the sky fell a girl. Not just any girl, though. It was Shana!
    “Help me!” Shana screamed.
    “Look!” Ivan said. “It’s a girl!!”
    “Yeah,” Isaac said. “We gotta help her!”
    “That portal isn’t too far away from here. It should be around where you found Flint, Isaac.” Kraden told them as the group rushed out to help Shana.
    Isaac ran out of the village and saw Shana lying on the ground. He rushed over to her and put his ear to her heart. “She’s alive.” Isaac said. “She has a pulse. Garet, help me get her to the sanctum.”
    Garet and Isaac rushed the girl to the sanctum. “I’ll stay here with her,” Isaac said. “You guys should get back to work.”
    “Alright,” Garet said. He walked out of the sanctum looking back with a worried look on his face.
    Isaac stroked Shana’s beautiful blonde hair. Shauna opened one eye. “Oh,” Isaac said, noticing that the girl was coming to. “Hey, sleepyhead.”
    “D…Dart?” she stammered.
    “Dart? Who’s Dart? No, my name is Isaac. You fell out of the sky.”
    “The sky?” Shana said surprised, sitting up quickly. Isaac pushed her back down. “You really need to get some rest. I’ll bet you’ve had a long day.”
    “I was separated from my best friend.” Shana said.
    “This Dart person?”
    Shana nodded.
    “Well,” Isaac said. “I have some work to do rebuilding my town, so I guess I’ll see you.” Isaac got up and began to walk towards the door. He stopped and turned around. “If you need anything, ask the great healer, he’ll help you.”
    “Isaac…” Shana said before Isaac could leave. Isaac turned around and smiled. “Yeah?”
    “I’m Shana.”
    “Nice to meet you. When you feel better, I’ll introduce you to my friends.”
    “OK.” Shana said. She laid back down and drifted off to sleep.


    Note to self: Don't quick edit posts with ""'s.

    This post has been edited by Hero Isaac: 05 August 2007 - 11:23 AM


    #2   Split Infinity 

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      Posted 05 August 2007 - 09:33 AM

      I don't have the energy to be anything but blunt, so I'll list your flaws in numbered form:

      1. Writing the story in first person was a horrible decision. The character in question has absoloutely no personality in the slightest; you honestly sound like a six year old recounting his day at the zoo.

      2. What's with the story? Guy makes his way through dull castle while constantly falling off ladders and running around doing random stuff. This is NOT how fantasy novels are written. This is how I feel when I make my way through a crappy RPG dungeon. The action is much too fast-paced for such a mediocre story. You failed to include suspense where the story needed it most, and the conversation at the end feels completely tacked-on.

      3. The writing style is...awful. I really can't put it into words. You seem to have failed at everything I could possibly judge you on. You turned absoloutely nothing into 1,700 words of absoloute baloney. And don't get me started on your spelling. This is possibly the worst excuse for a fanfic that I have ever seen written by the Golden Sun community.

      I like your banner, by the way.

      #3   Hero Isaac 

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        Posted 05 August 2007 - 10:27 AM

        lol. OK, I'll try to rewrite it...Um...I'll get back to you in five years when this chapter is finished! XD

        (I'll edit the first post with the rewritten version.)

        (Note: My idea is stupid. I'm changing the whole story completely)

        #4   Split Infinity 

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          Posted 05 August 2007 - 10:40 AM

          :P Wow...you stood up to all that crap without without blinking an eye and now you're going to rewrite your story? You've got more nerve than me! The Spam King acknowledges your feat.

          #5   Hero Isaac 

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            Posted 05 August 2007 - 10:47 AM

            lol. I was upset that you didn't like my story, but I didn't show it, really. I learned that being angry at critcism only leads to flame wars (the hard way). I'd be happy to rewrite the story. Fanfiction's all about having fun, anyway, isn't it? Don't worry, the first chapter is coming soon.

            EDIT: I edited the rewritten chapter into the first post! Check it out! :P

            #6   FlamingDuck 

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              • Interests:Drums, Guitar Hero, pretending to play guitar, getting awesome at the one song I know how to play on bass, school(yeah, I'm such a loser) music, mohney, etc.<br /><br />I suppose I'll give you an abbreviated list of bands that I like:<br />Relient K<br />Switchfoot<br />Guster<br />Angels and Airwaves<br />Arcade Fire<br />Porcupine Tree<br />Weezer<br />Mae<br /><br />It's sorta a weird mix of mainstream and not so mainstream.<br />I like a lot of single songs too...<br /><br />Bands I need to look at:<br />Plastic Constellations<br />Cauterize<br />Patent Pending<br />And a bunch of local bands that you'll probably never hear of.<br /><br />Pandora rocks.<br /><br />I'm running out of things to say here.<br /><br />Perhaps I like duct tape?<br /><br />Yeah. This likely won't be touched for another year when my tastes have completely changed.<br />

              Posted 01 September 2007 - 08:33 AM

              Well, I never saw the so called "god awful" chapter, but this chapter is good. I'd recommend breaking up the text a little with paragraphs. There were a few grammar/spelling errors, but unlike Split I'm not a Grammar Nazi.

              #7   Hero Isaac 

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                • Interests:Golden Sun, of course! I also like other video games like Mario and Zelda. I also love to go on the computer. Some of my favorite websites are gaiaonline.com, google.com, and my own websites.

                Posted 01 September 2007 - 09:19 AM

                Heck, I'm just glad you replied. I can't beleive there were no replies for like a month!
                As soon as I finish the next chapter, I'll put it here.

                #8   TheEnglishman 

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                  Posted 03 September 2007 - 01:02 PM

                  I want to argue that Split's original criticisms were harsh but I never saw the 'worst excuse for a fanfic that I have ever seen written by the Golden Sun community,' so I can't.
                  This isn't too bad though. It's a nice opening and that's coming from someone who very rarely reads fanfics.

                  #9   Hero Isaac 

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                    • Location:Somewhere in Weyard
                    • Interests:Golden Sun, of course! I also like other video games like Mario and Zelda. I also love to go on the computer. Some of my favorite websites are gaiaonline.com, google.com, and my own websites.

                    Posted 03 September 2007 - 01:12 PM

                    Thank you. And, i apologize. I have not been working on this fanfic (because at first no one was reading it). I will definately post Ch2 as soon as I can.


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