Golden Sun Syndicate Forums: Golden Sun Syndicate Forums

Jump to content

Page 1 of 1
  • You cannot start a new topic
  • You cannot reply to this topic

Princess Of Anemos (pg-13) A golden sun mystery fic. R&R

#1   Ivan is my name 

  • Chaos Lord
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
    • Group: Members
    • Posts: 974
    • Joined: 13-December 04
    • Location:Good ol' England
    • Interests:Nothing. I hate everything. Even you... except maybe warcraft

    Posted 03 January 2005 - 12:14 PM

    I will do one chapter at a time on this, so I can read peoples coments.NO FLAMING!

    Chapter 1: Northern reaches
    Ivans diary
    Tuesday.
    We have been traveling with Fleix for a while now. And since then, lots of things have changed. For one, Isaac has started being a lot more social. He never used to talk as much as he does now. The shock of everything that had happened in the past 3 years of his life must have mentally scarred him. He really doesnt like to talk about it. Jenna is always teasing Garet. Yesterday, he was going to his cabin while eating a pie. He kicked the door open as his hands were full. Then he got some gravy on his shirt, so he tried to wipe it off. Then the door slamed in his face and he got the whole pie over his shirt. Jenna was watching this and she hasn't let him live it down since. She was telling everyone at dinner. Garet, for the first time ever, didnt have dinner. Felix is always being quiet now. Not that he ever said anything anyway. Piers is always captaining the ship, so we only ever see him at meal times on the ship. And then there is Sheba. I know her least out of everybody. She knows herself least out of everybody. Thats why she is on her journey_to find out about the past. Her main hope was the Jupiter lighthouse and she didnt find any answers there. I want to help her but.... well. Its hard to help somebody to find about their past. Its like trying to survive drinking poison. Almost impossible. Everyone would like to help her, but nobody can. Nobody.
    According to Piers, we should reach the northern reaches at sunset. 3 hours from now. Three hours of boredom. Oh well. Might as well find something to do.

    Chapter one done. Did you like it. Please R&R. Ok, it was rubbish but I will try to do better next chapter.

    #2   Neo 

    • Disciple
    • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
      • Group: Veterans
      • Posts: 1,300
      • Joined: 07-March 04
      • Gender:Male
      • Location:Netherlands
      • AKA Neo_Genesis

      Posted 03 January 2005 - 12:51 PM

      it wasn't rubbish, it was good actually. besides the fact that it was quite short, you are a good writer. in the first place I didn't want to read it, since I am not a realy fan of GS fanfics, but after the first few lines, I wanted to read the rest. not many fanfics have this grip on me, but you do. I would like to read the next few chapters. but maybe it's an idea to do a few days per chapter, not one, or a half day.

      #3   Ivan is my name 

      • Chaos Lord
      • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
        • Group: Members
        • Posts: 974
        • Joined: 13-December 04
        • Location:Good ol' England
        • Interests:Nothing. I hate everything. Even you... except maybe warcraft

        Posted 03 January 2005 - 03:04 PM

        Ok. I will try to make the next chapter longer. Now.( This story is a PG-13)
        Chapter 2: What magma ball?

        " I swear, there is no way around this wall of ice, Piers" said Jenna, for the 4th time.
        " No! I'm sure that...... Your'e right. We cant get past this. But how can we?" asked Piers.
        " Well maybe we need to melt it" queried Ivan
        "I'd be obliged!!"exclaimed Garet
        " Inferno! "
        " Dragon fume!! " shouted Garet and Jenna, at the same time.
        "It didn't work!! " said an astonished Mia
        " It didnt work? " said an annoyed Jenna.
        " By the look of things, I say no " said Isaac, coming up from the galley.
        " I thought you went to bed. " queried Piers
        " Couldnt sleep " Isaac simply said
        " Well, at any rate, we aren't going to get through this wall " said Garet, kicking the sleeping figure of Kraden.
        " Oh no! Dont eat the book of the alchemy of..... Hey! Dont kick me, Garet! " said a sleepy, yet annoyed Kraden.
        " Then dont talk in your'e sleep! We need your help, Kraden" explained Garet.
        " You see, there's this big wall of ice, and it wont melt" said Isaac, chuckling slightly.
        " Ah. I see. " said Kraden " Why dont you use that cannon we got in Loho?"
        "We didnt think of that! " said Piers
        " Maybe because nothing is small enough to fit in it " said Isaac in a mater-of-factly tone.
        "Maybe we can use Ivan! " Chuckled Garet.
        " I heard that!!! " shouted an extremely annoyed Ivan
        " Oh come on Ivan, cant take a joke now? " questioned Piers in a jokey way
        " I can take a joke, just when it isn't insulting my size " explained Ivan, trying to keep calm, but failing
        " There has to be something we can use! " said an angry Jenna. " I'm freezing here!! "
        " So are we, but we aren't complaining " said Isaac
        " Maybe you need to use a magma ball " said Kraden
        " What magma ball? " queried everyone

        Chapter 2 done. I did try to make it longer, and I think I suceeded. ;) I will hopefully post this on FF.net soon. This was maybe a bit funnier than last chapter. Please R&R!

        #4   Neo 

        • Disciple
        • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
          • Group: Veterans
          • Posts: 1,300
          • Joined: 07-March 04
          • Gender:Male
          • Location:Netherlands
          • AKA Neo_Genesis

          Posted 03 January 2005 - 03:14 PM

          yes, it was funnier, but also less good IMO.
          It would be better if the talking wouldnt take up so much space, like in your first chapter, and the way you told it was also less good IMO. it was better in the diary style. it would be wise to keep it in the diary style ;)

          #5   Ivan is my name 

          • Chaos Lord
          • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
            • Group: Members
            • Posts: 974
            • Joined: 13-December 04
            • Location:Good ol' England
            • Interests:Nothing. I hate everything. Even you... except maybe warcraft

            Posted 03 January 2005 - 03:24 PM

            Nice hint, i'll do that.
            Maybe I should do different peoples diarys. Sound good?

            #6   Linear 

            • Master Adept
            • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
              • Group: Veterans
              • Posts: 3,679
              • Joined: 26-August 04
              • Gender:Female

              Posted 03 January 2005 - 04:39 PM

              Haha! The second chapter was really funny! Don't eat the book!
              Keep it up! It's hilarious!

              #7   Somia 

              • Disciple
              • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                • Group: Members
                • Posts: 1,585
                • Joined: 25-October 04
                • Gender:Female
                • Location:Inside a Jar
                • Interests:..Truffles, White Chocolates, Flying, RPGing & a Smile.

                Posted 03 January 2005 - 05:42 PM

                XD it wasn't rubbish and the second chapter was real funny~

                #8   Ivan is my name 

                • Chaos Lord
                • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                  • Group: Members
                  • Posts: 974
                  • Joined: 13-December 04
                  • Location:Good ol' England
                  • Interests:Nothing. I hate everything. Even you... except maybe warcraft

                  Posted 04 January 2005 - 03:13 AM

                  Ok! This is on FF.net as well.

                  Chapter 3: OHHHHH, that magma ball
                  " It's all your'e falut, Kraden " moaned Garet
                  " Well if you had woke me up sooner,than I migt have been able to help sooner " said an equally annoyed Kraden
                  " Why couldnt we leave you at loho, instead of the magma ball" questioned Garet, chuckling slightly.
                  " Well we didnt know that we would need to use it again, now did we " Kraden said.
                  Then Jenna joined the arguement " Oh crud" muttered Kraden. Meanwhile, Ivan Sheba and Mia were laughing themselves to death as Kraden was trying to win an arguement with Jenna.
                  " And thats why you told us to leave the magma ball there!! " , Jenna practcially screamed at Kraden.
                  " Ok,ok. You win!" said an annoyed Kraden. Then he sulkilly went off to his cabin.
                  There were 6 cabins, including the Captains quarters. That was were Piers slept. In one cabin, Kraden slept on his own. In the next one Garet and Isaac shared a room. The next cabin was where Jenna and Sheba shared a room. The next room was Mia's room, which she didnt share, and the last room was where Felix and Ivan shared a room. Or where Ivan kept his things_ he usually slept on the deck, or in the crows nest, where it was cool and breezy. Thats how he liked it.
                  " So what shall we do now, Cap'n? " said Felix, to Piers.
                  " Well I suggest that we turn back to Loho as quickly as possible. " said Piers, sounding stern.
                  " But we dont have enough food or supplies to last that long!! " said Sheba.
                  " I know " said Piers " Thats we have to stop at Laname "
                  " Whats 'Laname'? " queried Ivan
                  " Its the city that lies deep within the mountains. The people there are very hostile. They were an earth clan, and sworn enemies of the Jupiter clan, the people of Anemos " said Kraden
                  " We have to stop there!?!" asked Garet, astonished
                  " What about Ivan and Me? " said Sheba, shocked
                  " Well, I dont know. " said Kraden " Maybe they should stay on the ship "
                  " I wouldnt mind!! " said Sheba and Ivan together.
                  " Hehehe...HAHAHAHA " Garet laughed
                  " Ewwwwwwww. Garet! You have a sick mind " sain Jenna, kicking him lightly
                  " Well, anyhow, when do we get there? " said Isaac
                  " In about 3 hours " said Piers.
                  " Well then we should get our stuff together then. Except for you two " said Isaac
                  " Fine "
                  " Ok " said Ivan and Sheba
                  " Lets go " said the others

                  ______________________________

                  Finished chapter 3

                  Did you like it?

                  #9   Linear 

                  • Master Adept
                  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                    • Group: Veterans
                    • Posts: 3,679
                    • Joined: 26-August 04
                    • Gender:Female

                    Posted 04 January 2005 - 07:09 AM

                    No wonder that looked a bit familiar. Yare yare, it's still good. I like. :silence:

                    #10   Ivan is my name 

                    • Chaos Lord
                    • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                      • Group: Members
                      • Posts: 974
                      • Joined: 13-December 04
                      • Location:Good ol' England
                      • Interests:Nothing. I hate everything. Even you... except maybe warcraft

                      Posted 04 January 2005 - 11:35 AM

                      Thanks for any comments. From what Neo_Genosis has said, I will begin the chapter with somebodys diary extract, and then explain the diary extract in a 3rd person view. The title isnt what you think it is.
                      Chapter 4: A familiar Face
                      Sheba's diary
                      Wednesday
                      We met up with Isacc and co. a while back now. I had never met any of them before. Except Ivan. I cant remember where I have seen him before, but I recognise his face from somewhere. Ah, yes. It was in Babi's palace. How much I hate Babi. I'm glad he is dead. Anyway. Isaac and his friends couldnt find a place to stay, but they found spare beds in the palace and a lady said they were for warriors attending colloso, but they never came. Then I couldnt sleep that night, but I heard the sound of feet outside my door. I looked out and saw Ivan. I asked him what he was doing and he sais that we was exploring. I told him that if he wsa caught, then I dont know what would happen to him. So I took him into my room. He was wondering why I was in the palace. I told him the story of how I got kidnapped from Lalivero, so Babi would get his lighthouse built. Ivan seemed to understand well enough. He seems a bit like me. At that moment, I didn't know that he was a jupiter adept, I didnt even know he was an adept until I asked what brought him to Tolbi. His story was considerably longer than mine. Then we heard voices, so I quickly hid him in the wardrobe. When the guards had passed, I got him out and told him it isnt safe to be about at night. He nodded and went to the door, but I stopped him. I said that it is risky to go out at night. He nodded but said that he needed to get back to his bed,or when Isaac woke up, he would wonder where Ivan was. I nodded this time. I told him to be extra careful. He nodded again. We both said goodbye. I thought that was the last time I would ever see him. Boy, was I wrong. Back to the present, me and Ivan are staying on the ship while the others go to Laname. Well, it's kinda boring but I should really find something to do.
                      " What do you think Ivan and Sheba are up to? " said Isaac, to Garet.
                      " Probably doin...." Garet started
                      " Garet!! " Jenna kicked him. Hard this time." They are too young. And they're just friends"
                      " S'pose so. When do we get to this Laname anyway? " asked Garet
                      " Well, I suppose that we are down through the mines of the Laname, so then we....." Kraden began to say
                      " Get to the point!! " Isaac said to him.
                      " In about half an hour" said Kraden, impatiently
                      " Oh great. Half an hour with Kraden " muttered Garet
                      " I heard that!!!" said an annoyed Kraden

                      ___________________________________

                      Chapter done. This one took a lot of thinking so critisism accepted.

                      #11   TheDogWho 

                      • Chaos Lord
                      • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                        • Group: Members
                        • Posts: 633
                        • Joined: 19-April 04
                        • Location:Mancheshire, England

                        Posted 04 January 2005 - 02:26 PM

                        No offense, but your writing style in Chapters 2, 3 and the end of 4 are almost purely speech. Could do with a little breaking up but they're funny nonetheless.

                        #12   Ivan is my name 

                        • Chaos Lord
                        • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                          • Group: Members
                          • Posts: 974
                          • Joined: 13-December 04
                          • Location:Good ol' England
                          • Interests:Nothing. I hate everything. Even you... except maybe warcraft

                          Posted 05 January 2005 - 01:06 AM

                          Most of chapter 4 is diary form, TDW

                          #13   Linear 

                          • Master Adept
                          • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                            • Group: Veterans
                            • Posts: 3,679
                            • Joined: 26-August 04
                            • Gender:Female

                            Posted 06 January 2005 - 01:45 AM

                            More like speech, but it's ok. But try and put detail when it's no diary, and more adventure story like. =D

                            #14   Ryu Zero 

                            • Knight
                            • PipPip
                              • Group: Members
                              • Posts: 117
                              • Joined: 03-January 05
                              • Location:Portugal
                              • Interests:Roleplay and Action games

                              Posted 07 January 2005 - 05:08 PM

                              This fanfic is as good as any other golden sun fanfics in fanfiction.net in my opinion. NOTE: See Golden Sun Bickleburg (very good golden sun humor fic).

                              What's R&R ;)

                              #15   Lind 

                              • Knight
                              • PipPip
                                • Group: Members
                                • Posts: 131
                                • Joined: 19-November 04
                                • Interests:Reading, writing, drawing, playing games, sleeping...

                                Posted 08 January 2005 - 10:46 PM

                                R&R means read and review.

                                This is pretty funny, but please use spell check! It's hard to read otherwise.

                                #16   Ivan is my name 

                                • Chaos Lord
                                • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                  • Group: Members
                                  • Posts: 974
                                  • Joined: 13-December 04
                                  • Location:Good ol' England
                                  • Interests:Nothing. I hate everything. Even you... except maybe warcraft

                                  Posted 09 January 2005 - 06:19 AM

                                  I know what R&R means, or I wouldnt say it.

                                  Chapter 5
                                  Go fish!

                                  Felix, Isaac, Piers, Mia, Garet, Jenna and Kraden had been travelling through the mountain for 4 hours. What they didn't know was that they were going in circles.
                                  Kraden had been telling the adepts about the history of Laname for the first hour. Then Garet got bored and started to burn Kraden's cloak. He didn't notice until the cave started to smoke up. Mia and Piers put it out but there was too much smoke.
                                  " Where's a wind adept when you need one! " complained Garet
                                  Meanwhile, on the boat, Ivan and Sheba had been playing cards for an hour. They were playing ' Go fish'. Ivan had won 43 and Sheba had won 79. They seemed quite bored.
                                  " Got any 2's? " said a bored Ivan
                                  "Go fish " said Sheba, drowsily
                                  For the first 36 matches, they had been having fun, but after that they just got bored.
                                  " Right, this is just boring. " said Ivan
                                  " Yeah, I'm gonna go and make lunch. What would you like? " asked Sheba
                                  " Uh, I wont have anything please, i'm not very hungry." said Ivan
                                  " Ok "
                                  Ivan went off to his favourite spot on the ship_ the crows nest. He could stay up there for hours on end, just to feel the wind on his face. He sat back and relaxed. Then he finally dozed off.
                                  "Ivan, Ivan ?!?"
                                  " Who's there? " he demanded
                                  " It's me, your sister! "
                                  "Oh. What do you want? "
                                  " It's about Sheba. She hasn't got a past, you need to help her..." but Hama was cut off
                                  " I cant help her. It's impossible to help her find her past! " Ivan said.
                                  " Ah, but not with the powers you have at the moment. " Hama said mysteriously.
                                  " What do you mean? "
                                  " I have to pass the power of prediction on to you. It will help you a great deal."
                                  " How can you do that ?" asked Ivan
                                  " Well, I passed reveal on to you didn't I ?"
                                  " Yes, but... " started Ivan
                                  " But I passed it on to Fezhi didnt I ? "
                                  " Yes..."
                                  "So I can pass it on to you. Now, close your eyes, and think about the power. hink really hard."
                                  " Yep, i'm thinking "
                                  Then a purple beam of light lifted Ivan into the air. Then little beams shot into him. They stung him a bit, but he felt like they had somehow made him stronger.
                                  " Use it well Ivan..." and Hamas' voice trailed off.
                                  Then Ivan woke up. But he still felt stronger, like he did after the beams. Maybe he did have the power of forsight. He thought about it and it's advantages. Then Sheba called to him.
                                  " Ivan!?! Ivan !?! Where are you? " called Sheba
                                  " Up on the crows nest" He answered
                                  " Well,i've made supper. Come down and get it while it's hot" she called back
                                  " Coming..." said Ivan, climbing down the ladder.
                                  He'd test his power tomorow
                                  ________________________

                                  Few. Done. I started this chapter last night, but the computer crashed so I started again. R&R!

                                  #17   Ravenblade 

                                  • Disciple
                                  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                    • Group: Veterans
                                    • Posts: 2,489
                                    • Joined: 08-November 04

                                    Posted 09 January 2005 - 06:39 AM

                                    this is actually quite interesting^^

                                    i always appreciate the fact its not 5000 words long^^ (not that thats a bad thing just kinda stops you posting for half an hour)

                                    Keep it going - i'd like to read more

                                    #18   Ivan is my name 

                                    • Chaos Lord
                                    • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                      • Group: Members
                                      • Posts: 974
                                      • Joined: 13-December 04
                                      • Location:Good ol' England
                                      • Interests:Nothing. I hate everything. Even you... except maybe warcraft

                                      Posted 10 January 2005 - 11:10 AM

                                      Ok. Chap 6

                                      Laname.

                                      " Well there it is! " said an exuasted Garet
                                      " Yeah. It's a lot bigger than I had expected it to be. " said Isaac
                                      They all approached the HUGE cavern ahead of them. They were all in a tunnel with a ledge jutting out at the end, into the huge cavern. Jenna pointed out some stairs carved out of the rockface leading down. They all climbed down, one by one. Isaac, who went first jumped off the last few stairs.
                                      " So you say this is the city of venus? " he asked
                                      " Yup " Piers answered
                                      " Cool! " said Isaac
                                      They waited until everybody was down, and then they headed towards the gates. Why they needed gates and walls, the adepts didnt know. They were under mountains. Wasnt that enough? Anyway, once the adepts reached the gates, they were stopped.
                                      " Is there a girl called Sheba in your Group? She is about 14 now." said a guard.
                                      " Well, we di... " Started Garet
                                      Felix kicked him.
                                      " Shut up. They might not let us in otherwise." he hissed " No, we don't." he said to the guard."
                                      " Good. What brings you outsiders to Laname? " The guard questioned
                                      " Hey! Dont call me an out..." Garet was cut short
                                      Felix kicked him again. " Do you want to get into the city or not? " felix hissed again
                                      " Yeah, bu.." garet started again
                                      " Then shut it! " said Felix. " Um, we came to Laname to pick up supplies. We are on a journey, and we have almost ran out of supplies" Felix said to the Guard.
                                      " Ah. I see. You are in luck, our meat and food is the best in the western sea, maybe the whole world! I'll let you in. " the guard said. He pulled a lever, and a small bell rang. The gates slowly swung open. Felix and co. walked in to see a vast city. They asked everyone where the inn was. A friendly man told them ' go north at the crossroads, then go west when you see the armour shop, and keep on walking until you find it' Felix thanked the man and took the directions.
                                      " Here's the inn " Isaac said.
                                      They walked in. It wasn't very big, but then again, they weren't having many outsiders.
                                      " How much for 2 days? " asked Felix
                                      " 2500 coins " said the inn-keeper
                                      " Wha..."
                                      Garet got kicked yet again
                                      " Ok. Here's the money" said Felix, handing over the cash
                                      " Thankyou. Your rooms are 4,5,6,7"
                                      They all trudged off to their rooms. All of them went into room 7.
                                      " Who is going to be in which room? " asked Felix
                                      " Well, i'll go with Isaac, if thats possible " said Garet
                                      " I'm fine with that! " said Isaac
                                      " Room 5." Felix pointed them to the door.
                                      " Thank god they are gone." said Kraden
                                      " Have you noticed how much noise they will cause? " said Felix. " Mia, are you ok going with Jenna?" Asked Felix
                                      " Ok" she answered. She and Jenna went to room 5
                                      " That leaves me and Piers, and Kraden. " Felix beckoned Kraden to the door.
                                      " Lets unpack." Said Piers
                                      20 minutes later, the Adepts plus Kraden were sitting down at the biggest table the inn possesed.
                                      " So. It's 3 o'clock now. Lets go off and find out where things are, and get supplies. We meet here at 5. " said Felix
                                      " Lets go! " said Piers!

                                      ___________________

                                      Few. That was long. Garet gets kicked a lot no more, Garet fans. Critism accepted.

                                      #19   My Best Wishes 

                                      • Master Adept
                                      • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                        • Group: Veterans
                                        • Posts: 3,165
                                        • Joined: 10-October 04
                                        • Gender:Male
                                        • Location:Sydney, Australia
                                        • AKA watch

                                        Posted 14 January 2005 - 05:16 AM

                                        looks like you kept your promise.
                                        they are enjoyable, i think you caught Garets personailty/character very well. you have a nice style of writing. keep up the good work. don't rush or anything you're doing fine

                                        #20   Ivan is my name 

                                        • Chaos Lord
                                        • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                          • Group: Members
                                          • Posts: 974
                                          • Joined: 13-December 04
                                          • Location:Good ol' England
                                          • Interests:Nothing. I hate everything. Even you... except maybe warcraft

                                          Posted 14 January 2005 - 12:10 PM

                                          Long chapter now. Get the food and drink.

                                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                          Chapter 7: There be monsters! argh!

                                          " Ivan? Ivan? " Ivan heard a familiar voice. Sheba walked through the door.
                                          " I'm asleep" He chucked a pillow at Sheba. It missed.
                                          " Ivan, it's 10 o' clock, you have to get up now. " said Sheba. She went over to his bed and hit him with the pillow. He groaned.
                                          " Tell you what, if you dont wan to get up, i'll bring breakfast for you, but i'm not clearing up any spills." Sheba said, bouncing out of the room.
                                          " Nya? " said a sleepy Ivan. " Oh. Yeah. Thanks! " he called after her.
                                          Ivan looked out of his porthole. The sea was calm and he could see the big cliff above the ship, where they had tied it up. He wondered how long it would take for the cliff to be formed. Then sheba came through the door with a bowl of hot soup.
                                          " Thanks." said Ivan gratefully " Whats in it? "
                                          " My own special recipe. Cant tell you that. " Sheba winked at him.
                                          " It's not poison, is it? " Ivan asked, trying to keep a straight face
                                          " No! Dont be silly. " Sheba replied in a jokey way
                                          " I'll bring it back when i'm finished " Ivan said
                                          " Ok " Sheba left the room. Ivan finished all of the soup. He set the bowl aside and got dressed. He picked up the bowl and just as he was about to go out, he remembered the forsight power.
                                          " Lets try it out, eh?" He clasped his hands together, shut his eyes, and concentrated. A cloud came up in his mind. He saw himself walking towards the galley, with his soup bowl.
                                          " Wow! It worked! It really worked! " he punched the air
                                          " What are you doing Ivan? " he heard Sheba's voice.
                                          " Um, nothing. Im coming to bring my bowl through. " He said
                                          " Ok" he heard her say
                                          He walked out of the cabin, down the hallway, and into the galley.
                                          " Ah, there you are. You wouldnt mind drying up would you?" Asked Sheba. She took the soup bowl from his hands.
                                          " Nope" replied Ivan. He dried up the bowls and dishes wit a small whirlwind. In a matter of minutes, they were all dry.
                                          " Thanks Ivan." said Sheba, gratefully
                                          " I'm going to climb that big cliff." said Ivan
                                          " Can I come?" asked Sheba
                                          " Ok. Are all the jobs done?" He asked
                                          " Yup."
                                          " Then lets get some rops and go! " said a now fully awake Ivan
                                          The two of them gathered enough rope, and jumped onto the bit of land that jutted out from the rest of the island. Ivan attatched the first rope to himself. He threw the other end to Sheba, teliing her to tie it firmly aroung her waist. He found a good foothold and hauled himself up.
                                          " Sheba, follow in exactly the same place that I go."
                                          " Ok."
                                          Ivan of course had done this many times and knew exactly what to do. Sheba stuck close to him, so she could see where to go.
                                          " We're nearing the to now, Sheba" said Ivan
                                          " Whew." said an exausted Sheba
                                          " It will be easier on the way down, honest."
                                          " Good." Sheba said as she climbed over the last bush
                                          " There. Reached the top. Here, let me give you a hand." Ivan pulled her up.
                                          " Wow. This would be a brilliant place to watch the sunset." Said Sheba.
                                          " Pity it's only lunchtime." Said Ivan. " Otherwise, we could watch it."
                                          " Yeah. It's not like we want to stay up here all day. Oh well, i'll catch some rays." Said Sheba, putting her scarf over her eyes. She lay down on the grass.
                                          Ivan took this chance to test his power some more. Again, he clasped his hands together and shut his eyes. He saw the cloud again, and this time he that it was night time and he saw the ship. There was a HUGE monster coming towards it and it destroyed the ship and sank into the water. Then he shot open his eyes. It was starting to get dark. He quickly woke Sheba up.
                                          " Sheba! We need to get this ship off the coast. A freakin huge monster will destroy it! "
                                          " When did you learn this? " she asked, still half asleep.
                                          " I'll tell you later, if there is one! " he said " Hurry, now!"
                                          She quickly got up.
                                          " How are we going to get down that quick? "
                                          " Well, you know that this cliff over-looks the sea? "
                                          " No way, Ivan " said Sheba, pleading
                                          " There is no other way, we have too."
                                          " But Iva.. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Sheba screamed as Ivan grabbed her and flung himself off te cliff. He was good at swimming, and did a graceful swan dive, with Sheba. He told her too keep her head in. She agreed as she hated falling from high places.They hit the water with a big splash.
                                          Sheba wasnt a good swimmer, as Ivan had expected as she needed Felix to jump after her in the Venus LH encounter. He grabbed her limp body and swam to the land. He ran up the gangplank, Sheba in his arms. He lay her down on the deck. He quickly got the ship moving, except that it was still tied up. He heard Sheba spluttering.
                                          " Oww... I have a headache " Groaned Sheba
                                          Ivan found a vial and gave it to her. She drank all of it's contents.
                                          " Thanks Ivan. Why are we in such a hurry? " she asked
                                          " I will tell you in a minute, once we are saf...." he was cut off by the huge groan of a thing that sounded so much bigger than the ship.
                                          " Sheba, quickly. Go and cut the rope holding us to land. This is serious"
                                          By the tone of his voice, Sheba could tell Ivan was being serious. She quickly used wind slash and cut the rope free.
                                          " Done!" She called
                                          " Good. Hold on, coz your gonna have a hell-uv-a ride. She climbed up to the crows nest quickly and saw the monster coming. It was bloody huge. It had 12 waving tentacles, huge jaws, like they could bite a whale clean in two. It's tentacles looked like they could smash that cliff into rubble. And quite frankly, the did. It was an earth shattering quake and caused a huge wave. Ivan took advantage of his wave, and shot the boat off. The monster saw it and chased. There was no way they could fight this thing, even with everybody else here. It started chewing up the rocks in it's way, the ones that Ivan had taken so much care to avoid. He sailed as fast as possible, but the monster was catching up. This was so much worse than a Kraken. Ivan went under cliffs, right the way around the continent. Then he had an idea ;) . He took a glance at how far behind it was. He looked up at the cliff he was going under.
                                          " Sheba, cast tempest on that boulder! " he told her.
                                          " It's right up on that cliff though! "
                                          " Try, this plan could just work." Ivan pleaded. She obeyed the boulder started to roll. It rolled down the cliff, and onto the bit of land holding the cliff up. The monster didnt see this, so it swam right under. How wrong it was. Fist, a huge spire fell on it, cauing it to roar in pain. Then the rest of the cliff caved in on it's head. It roared a final roar, and ank into the water, black blood staining the rocks, which were already black. Ivan sighed a sigh of relief. He slumped back into his chair.
                                          " Oh Ivan!! " Sheba hugged him. Ivan was too exausted to care. Then he fially blacked out.

                                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                          This one was really long. I spent a long time on this so please review it. No flames please.

                                          #21   Somia 

                                          • Disciple
                                          • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                            • Group: Members
                                            • Posts: 1,585
                                            • Joined: 25-October 04
                                            • Gender:Female
                                            • Location:Inside a Jar
                                            • Interests:..Truffles, White Chocolates, Flying, RPGing & a Smile.

                                            Posted 14 January 2005 - 08:22 PM

                                            owch..my eyes it was a nice chapter btw^^

                                            #22   My Best Wishes 

                                            • Master Adept
                                            • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                              • Group: Veterans
                                              • Posts: 3,165
                                              • Joined: 10-October 04
                                              • Gender:Male
                                              • Location:Sydney, Australia
                                              • AKA watch

                                              Posted 14 January 2005 - 09:12 PM

                                              quite a long one, enjoyable. but is there something going on between ivan and sheba?

                                              #23   Lightning Star 

                                              • Master Adept
                                              • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                                • Group: Veterans
                                                • Posts: 2,902
                                                • Joined: 21-June 04
                                                • Gender:Female
                                                • Location:Tucson, Arizona
                                                • Interests:I've got hobby A.D.D.
                                                • AKA lightningstar/Icy

                                                Posted 16 January 2005 - 10:19 AM

                                                Oh this is getting really good! you've much improved since your first chapter. although i noticed a typo where you say "and this time he that it was night time and " you might want to fix that :blink:

                                                #24   Ivan is my name 

                                                • Chaos Lord
                                                • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                                  • Group: Members
                                                  • Posts: 974
                                                  • Joined: 13-December 04
                                                  • Location:Good ol' England
                                                  • Interests:Nothing. I hate everything. Even you... except maybe warcraft

                                                  Posted 16 January 2005 - 12:13 PM

                                                  Maybe, Maybe not. On fanfiction.net, it's a mystery/ action & adventure story but I have secrets and I am not willing to tell them. Nobody knows me well enough. Nobody knows my real name, and until someone does, the secrets are mine!!!

                                                  Chapter 8: I'll do it later

                                                  " Come on, Felix. You need to get it done now! " Said an impatient Jenna.
                                                  " I'll do it later! " he replied
                                                  " Why not now? You arent doing anything! "
                                                  " Yes I am, I am lying down. " Said Felix
                                                  Jenna couldnt be bothered to argue. She had been wanting Felix to help her find her rod, as Garet had lost it.
                                                  " Felix!!! If you dont help me find it, i'll burn your pet vermin! "
                                                  " I dont have a pet vermin. " he shouted back.
                                                  " You do now, and its about to burn!" Shouted Jenna through the door!
                                                  " NOOOOOOOO! Not the harmless vermin, dont be cruel! " Felix had come to his senses finally, and burst through the door.
                                                  " Wheres the vermin ?!? " Felix asked
                                                  " There isnt one, but help me find my rod! " She asked
                                                  " Why cant Garet? He lost it. " moaned Felix
                                                  " Because Garet is practising fighting with Isaac."
                                                  " Oh, yeah forgot. I have to go and practise fighting to..."
                                                  " No you dont. You will help me find my rod, and the vermin will burn if you dont.
                                                  " Fine." said an annoyed Felix.
                                                  They looked for two hours, before finally finding it under Garets bed.
                                                  " I wonder why it was there? " asked a mischevous Jenna
                                                  Jenna walked up casually behind Garet, and she smacked him on his head with her rod.
                                                  " Why was my rod under you bed? " she asked in a sweet way.
                                                  " Well I...."
                                                  Jenna started playfully chasing Garet, brandishing her rod after him. They soon got tired of this.
                                                  " Gosh, look at the time! " exclaimed mia
                                                  " Oh yeah, its almost 10 o'clock! "Said Garet.
                                                  " And? " said Isaac
                                                  " Breakfast time!!!!! " Shouted Garet and Jenna at the same time. They shunted each other to get to the head of the table. They were drooling over the choices.
                                                  " Like kids in a candy store. " Said Mia, shaking her head in disgust
                                                  " Tell me about it! " said Piers.
                                                  They all were happily guzzling themselves. Then there was only one piece of bacon left.
                                                  " Touch that bacon, and I will burn you!! " Shouted Garet
                                                  " Not if I burn you first!! " replied Jenna, castting a small flare in her hand. They both lunged. The both reached out to grab the bacon. They both banged heads.
                                                  " You idiot Garet!! " Screamed Jenna
                                                  " But you only want the bacon because I do!! " he complained
                                                  " But now Isaac took it... " Jenna said sadly.
                                                  " Stupid Jenna"
                                                  " Stupid Garet"
                                                  Now they were just playing. Exept when Garet shunted Jenna into the bush. Joking! That was an accident. Of course Jenna didnt think so. Thy argued non stop, all the way to the supply shop. Then they stopped.
                                                  " Could we have enough supplies to last us a month?" Asked Felix
                                                  " Sure. Where ya goin? " The shopkeeper replied, putting food into bags?
                                                  " Loho." Felix answered
                                                  " Thats not that far from here! Where else are you going? " she questioned
                                                  "Um, after Loho, up north." Said Felix again
                                                  " Ok! Done almost. How many people with you?"
                                                  " Nine."
                                                  " Wheres the other two?"
                                                  " Um, they must be back at the inn..." said Felix lying
                                                  " Cool! There you are! Heres enough supplies for a month for 9 people. That will be um, lets see.... 3400 coins."
                                                  " 3400 ?!? " exclaimed Garet
                                                  " Garet got kicked again by Felix"
                                                  " Take it or leave it! " said the shopkeeper
                                                  " There you go, said Felix, sighing as he handed over the money"
                                                  " Alright, back to the inn." said Felix
                                                  They all followed him back the way to the inn, grupy and tired.

                                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                                  Ok, this chapter sucked, didnt it. I will make improvements, but only if people hated it.

                                                  #25   My Best Wishes 

                                                  • Master Adept
                                                  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                                    • Group: Veterans
                                                    • Posts: 3,165
                                                    • Joined: 10-October 04
                                                    • Gender:Male
                                                    • Location:Sydney, Australia
                                                    • AKA watch

                                                    Posted 16 January 2005 - 06:24 PM

                                                    ok, i'm confused i read the others but what did that rod have to do with anything? and it wasn't as great as chapter 7. but better then i could do so good work.

                                                    #26   Lightning Star 

                                                    • Master Adept
                                                    • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                                      • Group: Veterans
                                                      • Posts: 2,902
                                                      • Joined: 21-June 04
                                                      • Gender:Female
                                                      • Location:Tucson, Arizona
                                                      • Interests:I've got hobby A.D.D.
                                                      • AKA lightningstar/Icy

                                                      Posted 16 January 2005 - 06:49 PM

                                                      ouch :s garet gets kicked alot...>.< but i think you described jenna and garet perfectly...and how they're always fighting :unsure:. and i haven't heard the word "shunting" in a long time! ...okay maybe thats just me XD

                                                      #27   Ivan is my name 

                                                      • Chaos Lord
                                                      • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                                        • Group: Members
                                                        • Posts: 974
                                                        • Joined: 13-December 04
                                                        • Location:Good ol' England
                                                        • Interests:Nothing. I hate everything. Even you... except maybe warcraft

                                                        Posted 17 January 2005 - 04:51 AM

                                                        Chapter 7 was definatly my best one yet. The roddoesnt have anything to do with the plot, I just couldnt think of anthing else to put in. I also will put a Ivan Sheba chapter in and then an Isaac and co. in because that will spread it out. I fell ill at the moment so cant write much

                                                        #28   My Best Wishes 

                                                        • Master Adept
                                                        • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                                          • Group: Veterans
                                                          • Posts: 3,165
                                                          • Joined: 10-October 04
                                                          • Gender:Male
                                                          • Location:Sydney, Australia
                                                          • AKA watch

                                                          Posted 17 January 2005 - 06:52 PM

                                                          oh alright, jsut take your time you doing quite well, but is there something between ivan and sheba? *wink wink. nudge nudge*

                                                          #29   Ivan is my name 

                                                          • Chaos Lord
                                                          • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                                            • Group: Members
                                                            • Posts: 974
                                                            • Joined: 13-December 04
                                                            • Location:Good ol' England
                                                            • Interests:Nothing. I hate everything. Even you... except maybe warcraft

                                                            Posted 18 January 2005 - 01:22 AM

                                                            Gods sake watch! We had this disscusion already. I will do next chapter this afternoon cuz I have to go to school in like 5 minutes

                                                            #30   Somia 

                                                            • Disciple
                                                            • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                                              • Group: Members
                                                              • Posts: 1,585
                                                              • Joined: 25-October 04
                                                              • Gender:Female
                                                              • Location:Inside a Jar
                                                              • Interests:..Truffles, White Chocolates, Flying, RPGing &amp; a Smile.

                                                              Posted 18 January 2005 - 06:55 PM

                                                              Very good! Poor Garet, geez some people ar visious creatures..ehehehe..

                                                              #31   Ivan is my name 

                                                              • Chaos Lord
                                                              • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                                                • Group: Members
                                                                • Posts: 974
                                                                • Joined: 13-December 04
                                                                • Location:Good ol' England
                                                                • Interests:Nothing. I hate everything. Even you... except maybe warcraft

                                                                Posted 20 January 2005 - 10:12 AM

                                                                Crap!! I havent done any discalaimers!!
                                                                Disclaimer: I dont own golden sun cuz if i did it would suck because I never payed any attention in tech at school and still dont.

                                                                #32   My Best Wishes 

                                                                • Master Adept
                                                                • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                                                  • Group: Veterans
                                                                  • Posts: 3,165
                                                                  • Joined: 10-October 04
                                                                  • Gender:Male
                                                                  • Location:Sydney, Australia
                                                                  • AKA watch

                                                                  Posted 10 February 2005 - 01:05 AM

                                                                  Well its good ivan, but come on, keep going with it.

                                                                  #33   Ivan is my name 

                                                                  • Chaos Lord
                                                                  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                                                    • Group: Members
                                                                    • Posts: 974
                                                                    • Joined: 13-December 04
                                                                    • Location:Good ol' England
                                                                    • Interests:Nothing. I hate everything. Even you... except maybe warcraft

                                                                    Posted 12 February 2005 - 04:00 AM

                                                                    Disclaimer: I don't own Golden sun and never will. It aint gonna change


                                                                    Chapter 9- Ivans vision
                                                                    ~~~~~~~

                                                                    " Ivan, Ivan!" Ivan heard Sheba's voice calling. He opened his eyes. He saw that he was lying in his bed.
                                                                    " Oh good, he's awake" said a relived Sheba. Ivan tried to sit up but Sheba gently pushed him back down.
                                                                    " don't strain yourself too hard, Ivan. I bet your wondering how you got here. I mind read you. Remember the monster, that chased the ship. You save the ship and us. You blacked out." Sheba knelt down by Ivans bed.
                                                                    " How are you feeling now?" She asked
                                                                    " Fine. I feel cold" Said a half asleep Ivan.
                                                                    " No wonder!" Sheba laughed. " It's snowing outside!"
                                                                    " What!?!" Said a confused Ivan
                                                                    " You blacked out for three days, winter has come!" Said a gleeful Sheba
                                                                    " Oh. I'm starved. You wouldn't mind getting something to eat, would you?" Asked a famished Ivan
                                                                    " Certainly!" Sheba bounced out of the room. Ivan lay back in his bed. He tried to remember the events leading up to the monster but he couldn't. He focussed hard. He saw a faint spark in his mind. Then Sheba walked in with bowl of piping hot soup.
                                                                    " Hear you go" Sheba layed the tray on Ivans lap. " Take your time, don't rush yourself". When Ivan had finally slurped down his soup, he felt warmer and stronger. He sat bolt upright in bed. He began to speak
                                                                    " I predicted that this....event would happen...." Sheba looked shocked
                                                                    " How did you do that, Ivan?" Asked Sheba
                                                                    " Hama talked to me in a dream, gave me the power."
                                                                    " But..." Sheba started
                                                                    " This place is dangerous, more dangerous than any place we have been to before. If we don't go into the caves soon, then more of those monsters, beasts will come."
                                                                    " How did you know that?"
                                                                    " I saw it in a dream, a foresight..... we need to leave these cliffs, even if we have to go to Laname."
                                                                    " I still think that I have heard the town before" Said Sheba. " I understand, Ivan. How many of these visions of these have you had before?"
                                                                    " Not many, but all have come true" Said Ivan
                                                                    " Then we need to move off the ship!" Exclaimed Sheba
                                                                    " Get your things packed. And take a hood. I think we'll need it. I need to get dressed and my stuff ready." Ivan said
                                                                    " Ok, i'll leave you to get dressed!" Sheba giggled
                                                                    " And i'll be shutting the door" he chucked. Sheba left and shut the door behind her. He could hear her next door packing her things. He quickly dressed and packed up two waters of life, two mist potions, an apple, and his Phaetons blade. He got on his cloak, and walked out of his room, and onto the deck. While he waited for Sheba to come out, he tied up the ship in a cove. After about three minutes, sheba came out.
                                                                    " Ready to go?" asked Ivan
                                                                    Sheba sounded nervous " Just about. Shall we set off?"
                                                                    " Lets go" Ivan lead them down the gangplank. They walked through the cove until they came to the mouth of a cave that looked like a huge bear mouth. The two wind adepts walked in. Ivan kept casting bolt on a few stray plants to set them on fire so the jupiter adepts could see. After about an hour of walking, they found some footprints.
                                                                    " Aww no!!! We've gone in circles!!" Exclaimed Ivan
                                                                    " I don't think so! Put your foot inside that footprint." Ivan put his foot inside the huge footprint. Ivans foot was tiny in comparison
                                                                    " Hmm... about a size 13..... This is Garets footprint!!!" Exclaimed Ivan
                                                                    " Yes, just follow these and we'll come to Laname!!" said Sheba
                                                                    They set off down the tunnel. Ivan had found a think branch and had tied some grass around it and set it alight. They followed the footprints down long twisting tunnels and through short wide caverns and eventually came to a huge cavern. They were standing on a ledge, very high up the huge cavern. They walked out to the edge of the jutting out rock. They looked in front of them and saw a huge city beneath them.
                                                                    " Well, it looks big enough to hide 2 wind adepts" Chuckled Ivan
                                                                    " Yup. It looks like Laname to me, don't you think?" giggled Sheba
                                                                    " Yep. That is Laname"
                                                                    ~~~~~~~~~~

                                                                    End Chapter. I had a lot of fun writing this chapter so please post your verdict. Thanks

                                                                    This post has been edited by Ivan is my name: 12 February 2005 - 04:40 AM


                                                                    #34   My Best Wishes 

                                                                    • Master Adept
                                                                    • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                                                      • Group: Veterans
                                                                      • Posts: 3,165
                                                                      • Joined: 10-October 04
                                                                      • Gender:Male
                                                                      • Location:Sydney, Australia
                                                                      • AKA watch

                                                                      Posted 12 February 2005 - 04:56 AM

                                                                      No much action was involved in this one, but signigifcant to the story i bet. Still good thoguh.

                                                                      #35   cyberRoll 

                                                                      • Slayer
                                                                      • PipPipPipPipPip
                                                                        • Group: Members
                                                                        • Posts: 304
                                                                        • Joined: 01-September 04
                                                                        • Gender:Female
                                                                        • Location:Not on vacation
                                                                        • Interests:reading, writing, drawing<br />thats all.

                                                                        Posted 12 February 2005 - 10:44 AM

                                                                        These fanfics are so good!
                                                                        Uhh my brain is broken!

                                                                        #36   Ivan is my name 

                                                                        • Chaos Lord
                                                                        • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                                                          • Group: Members
                                                                          • Posts: 974
                                                                          • Joined: 13-December 04
                                                                          • Location:Good ol' England
                                                                          • Interests:Nothing. I hate everything. Even you... except maybe warcraft

                                                                          Posted 19 February 2005 - 01:11 PM

                                                                          Chapter 10 Disclaimer: Offensive Language

                                                                          " Who the hell?!?!" Garet shouted. What he had saw was two hooded figures climbing down the face of the cave.
                                                                          " That looks like...... Ivan and Sheba??" Mia sounded puzzled
                                                                          " What are they doing here? Didn't they stay on the ship?"
                                                                          " You are completely stupid Garet!! Of course they stayed on the ship you dolt!!!" Jenna slapped him playfully. The 3 adepts ran to the city gates. It was very dark. Not only because it was in a cave, but because it was night time. Jenna, Mia and Garet asked the gatekeeper if they could leave the city for a bit. He nodded and let them through. They saw the two small adepts climbing the last few steps. Garet grabbed Ivan off the wall.
                                                                          " What the hell are you doing here?!?" Garet growled. Jenna kicked him hard and Ivan slumped down. Mia helped Sheba down.
                                                                          " How about we take them to the inn, get them rested and then let them tell us?" Jenna sad in a very sweet tone. She kicked Garet playfully again. Garet got up and heaved Ivan up. Jenna and Mia had Sheba between them. The two wind adepts looked very tired and weary. When the 5 adepts got to the gates, the gatekeeper eyed the new adepts.
                                                                          " Who's this?" He sneered " Well, who are they
                                                                          " They are our..... late friends. They were going to be late." Said Mia
                                                                          " Yes, they are very tired. Can we get them to the inn?" Asked Jenna
                                                                          Yes, fine. The only thing I need to ask. Have you seen a girl called Sheba around?" Talking to Ivan, the guard looked at him.
                                                                          " Yeah, well she....." Then Garet looked down to see Jenna's rod pointing at Garets balls. He stopped talking very quickly.
                                                                          " Um..... I know no Sheba...." Ivan managed to blurt out. The guard eyed Garet suspiciously, but let the adepts pass through. Jenna kicked garet and put him in a headlock.
                                                                          " What is wrong with you!?!? Do you want to get us caught!!" She let him go, but still glared at him. When the gates had closed, the guard went in to the gatehouse and started talking to another guard. Ivan over-heard.
                                                                          " The King is having ANOTHER meeting?!?" Asked the first guard
                                                                          " Yes, but this one is actually important. It is about the war." Said the other
                                                                          " The war??"
                                                                          " Yes. We are planning a war against our sworn enemy, the Anemos."
                                                                          " When was this planned??"
                                                                          " In a council meeting last week. The council of course, appose of it, but the King wont have it. He plans to hire the mercenary " The Dark knight" "
                                                                          " The dark knight?!?!?!" The guard sounded shocked
                                                                          " Yes, although he is very reluctant. We need a lot more than money to appease him"
                                                                          " What does he want??"
                                                                          "The Anemos hostages."
                                                                          " WHAT!?!"
                                                                          " Yes, that's right."
                                                                          " What if we dent capture any?"
                                                                          " Then our tribe will suffer great droughts, plague and disaster."
                                                                          " All for one warrior???"
                                                                          " And his 10 000 man army. Yes, it's a good deal."
                                                                          " Ahhhhh..... loosing is out of the question!"
                                                                          " Yes...... Mwhahaha!!!"
                                                                          They carried on laughing as Ivan was walked off to the Inn.
                                                                          " Room 10" said Garet, putting 500 coins on the counter. The tired Inn-keeper tossed him a key. His head was resting on his hand as he took the money and counted it. Garet put the now half-asleep Ivan and Sheba on his shoulders and took them up to the room. He opened the room and layed the two down. He tossed Ivan the key.
                                                                          " Hope you two dent mind sharing a room. Have fun....." Garet chuckled as he shut the door and left. Inside Ivan and Sheba's room, Ivan and Sheba got into their beds and fell instantly asleep. Garet on the other hand, wasn't so happy. He had just walked into a angry Mia and Jenna.
                                                                          " Garet!!! Those jokes are not funny!! You are almost hoping for something to happen with them, just leave them alone.!!" Shouted Mia.
                                                                          " Yes..... yes....." Garet walked off to his room. He opened his door and saw a sleeping Isaac. He got into his pyjamas and jumped into the top bunk.
                                                                          " hmmmmm, maybe I should leave those two. They do seem to be affected by the teasing" Garet fell asleep fairly quickly. Ivan on the other hand had not falled asleep and was thinking about the guards conversation.
                                                                          " I think I might just attend that meeting tomorrow...." Ivan thought. " Just maybe...."
                                                                          _________________________________


                                                                          This chapter is very plot important. Read carefully if you think you missed anything.

                                                                          Ivan, if you're going to include such language then you have to stick PG-13 on the topic title, which i have done for you - but loosen up on the profanities ok? You're getting a bit too casual with them - Raven

                                                                          #37   My Best Wishes 

                                                                          • Master Adept
                                                                          • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
                                                                            • Group: Veterans
                                                                            • Posts: 3,165
                                                                            • Joined: 10-October 04
                                                                            • Gender:Male
                                                                            • Location:Sydney, Australia
                                                                            • AKA watch

                                                                            Posted 26 February 2005 - 03:10 AM

                                                                            Sorry, i haven't checked this forum for a bit.

                                                                            I liked it, not really a funny chapter and indeed as you say, important to the overall plot.

                                                                            I noticed two mistakes, both invovling dent.

                                                                            And i have to say that the swearing is way out of place, especially if your trying to write like how they would talk.

                                                                            #38   blade 

                                                                            • Squire
                                                                            • Pip
                                                                              • Group: Members
                                                                              • Posts: 53
                                                                              • Joined: 16-May 05
                                                                              • Gender:Male
                                                                              • Location:In an abonded hotel
                                                                              • Interests:The normal stuff

                                                                              Posted 05 June 2005 - 10:46 AM

                                                                              I like this story a lot sorry it took you a long time to post but it took me a long time to read it all(and that is weird i am a speed reader)


                                                                              Page 1 of 1
                                                                              • You cannot start a new topic
                                                                              • You cannot reply to this topic