[Laharl]

Over 18 months after joining the place i actually post a thread in this part. this story is part of my university coursework and i'd like to see people opinions and how theu think i could edit it. NOTE: Plagiarists will die.

1000 word story draft 1


Osiwara, considered by many the only truely safe settlement left in the world. The demon realm had invaded Urimaki only five years prior to this and very little of the once great human civilization remained. People stayed in remote settlements with a combination of grit and prayer keeping the demons back. Some claimed the demons where messengers of the apocalypse, they died first. It would appear the demons didn’t about a so-called vengeful crusade or expanding their territory, they were just hungry. The once lush countryside now a blasted wasteland was occupied by prowling demons, brave mercenaries and many corpses. Despite the seeming invincibility of the demons many considered hunting them the only way to scrape a living. People would pay handsomely from impunity from the demons. Fujiwara is one such mercenary.

Fujiwara weighed the bag of gold in his hand.
‘This for the head of Red Mane!? Are you serious!?’
‘This is all we have, honestly.’
The man was hiding something and Fujiwara could see right through him.
‘Double this and I’ll consider it…or I could just leave, I hear Red Mane’s minions have been raiding the outskirts of town.’
‘Okay! Okay!’ the man finally gave in. Fujiwara was a shrewd yet effective businessman, why should he risk his life for such a measly amount of gold?
‘Thank you, Mayor, it’ll be done by the blue moon’ with this Fujiwara withdrew from the shadows. The mayor of Osiwara took this opportunity to examine his new hireling. He was of medium height and build, his silver armor tinted in the moonlight’s glare. The gaze of Fujiwara’s blue eyes made the mayor feel uneasy. Atop Fujiwara’s head his brown hair was tied in a topknot as in accordance with the fashion of time. He didn’t look particularly intimidating and the mayor wouldn’t have even considered hiring him without the knowledge that Fujiwara was the wielder of the spirit sword, O-Shizimatsu, which made the task of demon slaying much easier. Fujiwara didn’t care what other people thought of him, if they had a problem it wouldn’t be him lying in a pool of his own blood. After the prolonged silence Fujiwara took his leave and started his mission on the next demon, Fujiwara decided to make this a hasty mission, the pay would sustain him for a month and the blue moon came in three days anyway.

Red Mane lifted the hapless mercenary off his feet, the demons could not speak human language but they did possess certain psychic abilities, one of which allowed them to channel their thoughts to beings within range.
Foolish human, I commend you for sneaking past the others, but what chance did you think you have against me?
The mercenary had taken a job just like Fujiwara; just from a wealthy noble instead, the sheer reward had blinded the mercenary from the idiocy of the mission. Red Mane was an exceptionally powerful demon, it appeared the demons had a hierarchy for each region of Urimaki and Red Mane was the head of the Osiwara region, many people figured if he were slain then his control over lesserlings would be broken. Unfortunately, like most of the others this mercenary had underestimated Red Mane, anyone skilled with a blade could slay a regular demon. Red Mane however was not a regular demon; he was over three times of a human, a form that could loosely be described as humanoid. He had a strange red aura his neck, which is where he got his human name. Great wings sprouted from his back, huge talons replaced fingers, his three eyes glared ominously, combined with huge horn protruding from his head and the double jaw of razor sharp teeth he was the most dangerous advisory in the region.
What do you have to say for yourself human?
Before the mercenary could answer Red Mane plunged his free arm through mercenary’s chest, snapping his backbone like a twig, the ravenous demon then ripped the carcass in two and threw the pieces on to a pile of rotting bodies who had met a similar fate, leaving the reek of blood and innards in it’s wake.

As Fujiwara walked through the streets of Osiwara, something didn’t seem right…they were intact, the other settlements he had been to were demon ravaged, this one was safe and would stay this way if he could complete his mission. Fujiwara had been training in the Zankou Forest for the first four years of the invasion, by the time he left he found a different world, he also found his sword skills to be more than a match for the demons, with society being plunged into chaos he was forced to sell his sword in order to make a living. Fujiwara’s reflection was shattered by the sound of fighting ahead, he rushed to find a young woman fending off two lesser demons, she must have some skill to still be alive, then her black robe, unique shin guards and tabi gave Fujiwara one conclusion, she must be a ninja. Her enchanted daggers glowing moonlight made certain. He saw the death of this woman to be a waste so he unsheathed his blade and headed into the fray. One of the demons lunged at the ninja, she sidestepped and sliced it straight down the back, it collapsed writhing in pain, oozing blood from it’s wound and mouth. The other demon took this opportunity to try and sneak up on her, as it prepared to strike, Fujiwara rushed by, blade raised. Seconds later the beasts head hit the floor with a thump, it’s now headless body sprayed bodily fluids from it’s wound like a fountain.

‘Are you okay?’ Fujiwara asked.
‘Fine, thanks for your help, although I could have taken them out alone’
‘Yeah, it really looked like it.’
‘Hold your tongue, lowlife.’ The ninja raised her daggers.
‘Who are you to talk to me like that? I just saved your hide back there’ Fujiwara snapped gripping his blade.
‘Nemika, of the Usagi clan, currently on the trail of Ochimaninmatsu.’
‘Who’s the hell is that?’
‘Red Mane to the locals, that’s his real name.’
The Usagi were famed for their stealth, power and influence, it was an honour for one such as Fujiwara to meet a member of the clan, most meetings with a Usagi involved your death.
‘That’s a coincidence, my current job is the very same thing, I could use help taking such a demon out.’
‘Are you suggesting we work together mercenary scum?’
‘The thought had entered my mind.’
‘I would kill you on the spot, but I am grudgingly in your debt and the sword you wield may be helpful.’
It wasn’t the most pleasant offer, but Fujiwara accepted it regardless. The two continued towards the edge of town, during which Fujiwara learned mainly thanks to the effort of the Usagi clan, all the other regional demons had been killed with almost unimaginable losses for the clan. Apparently when they where killed their underlings lost their desire to kill or do anything, making them very easy to dispose. If Red Mane could be killed then just maybe peace would return to Urimaki.

Red Mane had just finished devouring the remains of the mercenary he killed earlier, when the militia of Osiwara stormed his encampment, Fujiwara and Nemika had tracked and where a few hundred metres back, approaching with pace. The term militia could accurately be used to describe the group as ‘peasants with spears’. The demon sentries had been slaughtered by the sheer amount of spear points.
‘Die foul Demon!’ one screamed and was the impaled by the talons of a grunt, who in turned was skewered by five spears, leaving two mangled corpses on the ground. Red Mane was impressed by the number of remaining humans and little else. He would make this quick, the aura around his neck pulsated then formed an orb before him, which began to glow vigorously. While this happened his hapless underlings charged the militia, most where skewered by the wall of spears, but those who did get through proceeded to wreak havoc amongst the militia’s ranks. Men were ripped apart as if they were made of paper whereas the demons took at least three strikes from regular weaponry to be felled. Although the demons had the edge in power the sheer numbers put the battle in the militia’s favour. After chanting in an unknown language the orb before Red Mane expanded to form a massive sword made from of pure energy and the souls of those slain by the demons. The blade was a product of the demon realm and much more powerful than anything in Urimaki. Fujiwara and Nemika finally arrived at the battlefield in time to witness Red Mane his new blade. He charged into the battle, his enormous weapon wailed as he swung it, it sliced through human flesh effortlessly, leaving to a huge mound of dismembered bodies and random limbs. The demon was disturbed from its gleeful massacre by the voice of Fujiwara.
‘Ochimaninmatsu your terror ends here’
Amazed that a mere human knew his name Red Mane turned to face the mercenary and the ninja. He brought straight down at them, they easily sidestepped and sprinted the demon, Red Mane had made his weapon too powerful, such a large quantity of souls had made the weapon difficult to wield properly, even with his godly strength. By the time he had lifted it up again, the pair had slashed his legs with their enchanted weaponry.
Impossible!! The demon was genuinely shocked ay the effectiveness of their weaponry, the militia’s spearhead had bounced off him like toothpicks. Red Mane collapsed to his knees and a swing at Nemika, which she effortlessly leaped over landing behind the demon. She then drove her blades through beast’s wings straight into it’s back. The resulting roar of agony burst Nemika’s eardrums, anticipating that the demon would try to strike at her she back flipped to safety, leaving her blades embedded in the demon’s back, tainted with the blood of a god. Desperately, Red Mane hurled his weapon at Fujiwara who was slaying lesser demons that had tried to attack him. He rolled to the side, narrowly avoiding the spray of gore from the demons as they were severed in two. Fujiwara saw his opportunity and ran at the now helpless Red Mane, whose arms had been disabled by the daggers in his back. As Fujiwara approached he drew power from O-Shizimatsu and let out an almighty cleave. The demon’s head slipped from its neck and fell to the floor, the black gore that oozed from its wounds revealed the blood of a god. The surviving underlings stopped fighting and were promptly butchered by the survivors of the militia. Nemika retrieved her blades from Red Mane’s back, not bothering to clean them.
‘That should be the end of it’
‘Looks like I’m out of a job’
‘Mercenary work will still be around’
‘I suppose, but the thug’s I dealt with where hardly worthy opponents’
‘I see, you know your skills are very impressive, there could be a future for you at clan Usagi’
‘I’d like that, but first I need to make a visit to the mayor.’

Word Count: 1879 (too high!!!)

feel free to be as harsh as you want just give a decent arguement with it

[Laharl]

considering no one is interested, someone please delete this, it's asking to be plagairised

[pHantOm]

I will be honest

I began reading, and lost interest very quickly. It just seemed to start off kinda slow for me and when I read the word demon ("The demon realm had invaded Urimaki only five years prior to this and very little of the once great human civilization remained.") I instantly started thinking about orcs and stuff and your sig.

[Sea of Time]

You have to grab the reader better with the intro. I know you were going for effect with the short, smart sentences. But, you are missing flow which really stops the reader short.

[Laharl]

you people aren't as useless as i thought jk

any ways to edit down to 1000 words?

thanks for your views