[Split Infinity]

Got something that will make us laugh? Share it with us here! This one's a firm favourite of mine, if not a tad dirty. But everyone likes dirty jokes. Right?

A man walks into a hotel with a parrot on his shoulder. He asks for a room and is taken upstairs. His guide opens the door to his room. He notices a large crack in the floor and says, "If that crack opens I'm gonna be a goner!". And the parrot says, "If that crack opens I'm gonna be a goner!". The guide takes him to another room, which has an even bigger crack in it. The man says, "If that crack opens I'm gonna be a goner!". His parrot says, "If that crack opens I'm gonna be a goner!". Then the man says, "If you says that one more time, I'm throwing you in the girls' bathroom." The guide takes them to a third room, which has the biggest crack yet. The man says, "If that crack opens I'm gonna be a goner!" Again, the parrot says, "If that crack opens I'm gonna be a goner!" So the man takes the parrot and throws him into a toilet in the girls' bathroom. After he leaves, a fat woman comes into the bathroom and sits on the toilet. So the parrot looks up and says, "If that crack opens I'm gonna be a goner!"

Rofl! :)

[Wiflewood]

A man walks into a bar.

"Ouch"

[Split Infinity]

Mr. T and Chuck Norris walked into a bar. The bar exploded, since no building can possibly contain that much awesomeness.

[Platinum Sun]

Yeah, if Mr. T and Chuck Norris even got near eachother their awesomeness auras would get tangled and Mr. T would start to orbit Chuck Norris.

[Someone Else]

I'm sorry if this is spam (not) but I have to say this:

LOL ROFL!!!!!!

[Toasty]

I'm glad to hear that people think I'm 'awesome' :)

[Split Infinity]

Not you, just the celebrity whom your screen name is associated with in real life.

[Toasty]

...Which is me....in my own little world....

[Platinum Sun]

You keep telling yourself that...

[Toasty]

I will.....

I don't know of any good jokes... :)

[Split Infinity]

Wanna hear a good joke? Okay, here goes...

Toasty.

XD

[Mars Djinni]

There was a guy on an African Tour. He wandered from the group and soon found that the tour bus left him. Stranded in the highway, he decided to wait until a car came. Sure enough, one did, but at a rather slow pace. It was nighttime by the time he saw the car coming. The guy instatnly opened the door to the car, which stopped for him. "Oh, thank you so much, guys, I can't thank you enough for taking me back to town!!!" he exclaimed in thanks as he climbed in. To his surprise, there was no one in the car. The car shook and started to move again. It kept going on to a straight path. The guy was very scared now. He noticed that the car was nearing the edge of the mountainside highway. "Oh, God, please don't end it like this! Please!" the guy cried. Suddenly, a hand appeared and turned the steering wheel. The guy was releived, but still scared. It happened again for another few turns. The guy had enough, and when he saw a bar on the corner, he jumped right out of the car and headed for it. He went in and asked for a heavy drink. He told the bartender his story of the ghost car. Then, the door swung open. Two men with disgruntled looks on their faces entered. "Hey! Look, dude! There's that retarded idiot who jumped into our car when we were trying to push it into the city!" they shouted agnrily, pointing at the guy.

[Mindpatch]

Ok, heh, so heres a good one.
Two morons walking down the street, wanna know what they do?

[Split Infinity]

@MD: Couldn't the guy have jumped out of the car earlier? Good joke by the way.

[Mycarayne]

Straight out of one of my joke books:

The following question was supposedly given on a chemistry exam, ‘Is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof.
Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
‘First we need to know how the mass of hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into hell and the rate they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul enters hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
‘As for how many souls are entering hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
‘With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for temperature and the pressure in hell to stay the same, the volume of hell needs to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate at which souls enter hell, the temperature and pressure will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if hell is expanding at a faster rate than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
‘If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, that “it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in that area, the (2) cannot be true, and so hell is exothermic.
This student got the only A.

One of my favourites.

[Split Infinity]

That's the funniest thing I've read all month. Where the hell did you see that?

[Platinum Sun]

Memories remain's reminded me of another tough question one. This one appeared on one of our guidance counselors' personality assesment exams:

You are driving down a road and pass a bus stop with three people in it. You want to give them a ride, but only have room for one other person in your car. The first person is an elderly woman, she needs a ride because she has only a short time left to live. The second is your friend, you want to give him a ride because he once saved your life. The third is a beautiful woman (I assume the question would've been different on exams for girls...) whom you know that if you spent the rest of your life with her, you would die a happy man. So, what do you do?

The responses were split pretty evenly for varying reasons. ("The old lady deserves one last chance." "I owe my friend a favor" "That chick sounds really hot!") But here's the winning response:

I would give the keys to my friend and have him drive the old lady to the hospital. Then I would stay and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.

[Split Infinity]

This topic was a great idea. I should locate my friend's jokebook and post a few entires.

[Mycarayne]

I copied that straight out of one of my joke books, word for word.
Glad you found it funny =)

A few blonde inventions:
Pedal powered wheelchair
Waterporoof teabag
Inflatable dartboard
Solar powered torch
Dictionary index
Powdered water
Helicopter ejector seat

[Split Infinity]

I don't know what the conspiracy is about solar torches. You could always charge it during the day and use it at night. Like those portable garden lamps. :P

[Mars Djinni]

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a drink. Soon after he got his drink, he needed a washroom break. He didn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

...

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

...

There was a patient awaiting diagnosis. The doctor walked into the room.
He said, "I have good news and bad news."
The patient, worried, said, "Give me the bad news first."
"Well, you have cancer and are gonna die it five months."
"WHAT? What could the good news possibly be?!"
"You have Alzheimers. You will forget all this next week."

[Golden Legacy]

Great jokes, MD! :P

I don't have any of my own to post as of now, but this was posted by a former member (Izar) quite some time ago.


Dad's Rules for Dating My Daughter:

Rule One

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.


Rule Two

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.


Rule Three

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.


Rule Four

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.


Rule Five

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."


Rule Six

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.


Rule Seven

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?


Rule Eight

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.


Rule Nine

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.


Rule Ten

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Someone Else]

Mars Djinni, on Jun 18 2006, 07:06 PM, said:

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

I heard a very similiar joke, but it went like this:

A blonde sees a brunette playing jump-rope down the street. Every time the brunette jumped rope, she muttered, "21, 21, 21...". So the blonde asks the brunette if she could jump rope with her, but the brunette doesn't respond and kept saying "21, 21, 21...". So the blonde goes to jump-rope with her. Unfortunately, she gets hit by a car, while the brunette mutters "22, 22, 22..."

=P I heard this one from my friend. Ironically, she's a blonde.

[Lemontime]

Memories Remain, on Jun 18 2006, 09:05 AM, said:

A few blonde inventions:
Helicopter ejector seat

That's actually real.
The rotors fly off first, then the pilot flies out.
Halelujah..
Shall I dare tell an MJ joke? Yeah. I will.

Michael Jackson, some other guy and 10 kids are on a plane and one of the engine blows. The other guy says "There are only two parachutes, lets go ourselves, screw the kids!" And MJ says, "Is there time?".

[Split Infinity]

I don't get it.

[Mycarayne]

sibsag, on Jun 19 2006, 03:53 PM, said:

That's actually real.
The rotors fly off first, then the pilot flies out.
Halelujah..

Yeah, I know. But try and think of a blonde version of it.

Lame joke: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor

Cool joke: Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says, "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says, "I see millions of stars. Some of which may have planets similar to Earth. And if there are planets similar to Earth, they may also contain life.
Holmes replies, "Watson you idiot, someone stole out tent"

[Split Infinity]

Why couldn't Cain sit down?
Because he wasn't Abel.

Why are pirates, pirates?
Because they just aarrr.

[TheEnglishman]

Memories Remain, on Jun 19 2006, 12:22 PM, said:

Cool joke: Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says, "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says, "I see millions of stars. Some of which may have planets similar to Earth. And if there are planets similar to Earth, they may also contain life.
Holmes replies, "Watson you idiot, someone stole out tent"

That's definitely the funniest joke I've heard in awhile.
What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug! *Is shot*

[Split Infinity]

No, no, no! You did it wrong, it's supposed to go like this:

What do you call a guy with a spade in his head?
Dig!

What do you call a guy without a spade in his head?
Doug!

*is shot in a cool way*

[TheEnglishman]

I knew it was something like that. I couldn't remember it exactly.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
'Get in the car!'

[Split Infinity]

It sounds like a hostage situation. XD

[TheEnglishman]

Why was 6 scared of 7?
Because 7 8 9! (Think about it)
I need a 'master of lame jokes' cape.
I just found this as well. A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"

[Split Infinity]

They're only lame because I've heard them all before.

[Mars Djinni]

In Afganistan, there was a platoon of soldiers. The commander sent three Brazilian soldiers to investigate an oil site and gain control. The soldiers were all killed. When the report came back to the commander, he quickly informed the US government so that they can carry the report to the Brazilian government. Apparently, the official that answered the call wasn't the brightest bulb in the closet, but he still tried. Once he got the message, he was weeping compassionately and sent the report by phone.
"Sir... We... We just had the.. the report filed in that... that... that 3 Brazilian Soldiers were... killed... I am very sorry for the loss..." he said.
"Ah, I am grateful that you are so compassionate about this. We are in as much grief as you are." Brazil replied.
"Oh, one last thing," the official added.
"What is it?"
"How many zeros does Three Brazilian have?"

[Platinum Sun]

The sad part is that I know people that are that stupid. Most of them are in my class. That's how I got to be salutorian. A flashlight shines brightly in a room full of sputtering birthday candles.

[Split Infinity]

I saw this written on a cubicle wall one day at my local football stadium:

This is a McDonald's delivery chute. We expect three quarter pounders so start gruntin'.

[My Best Wishes]

Mars Djinni, on Jun 21 2006, 11:42 AM, said:

In Afganistan, there was a platoon of soldiers. The commander sent three Brazilian soldiers to investigate an oil site and gain control. The soldiers were all killed. When the report came back to the commander, he quickly informed the US government so that they can carry the report to the Brazilian government. Apparently, the official that answered the call wasn't the brightest bulb in the closet, but he still tried. Once he got the message, he was weeping compassionately and sent the report by phone.
"Sir... We... We just had the.. the report filed in that... that... that 3 Brazilian Soldiers were... killed... I am very sorry for the loss..." he said.
"Ah, I am grateful that you are so compassionate about this. We are in as much grief as you are." Brazil replied.
"Oh, one last thing," the official added.
"What is it?"
"How many zeros does Three Brazilian have?"

I don't get it........

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink. He then shouts he will drink anyone under the table. A Giraffe walks up and orders a drink. Hours later the Giraffe passes out, and falls on the floor. The man, proud of his achievments gets up and walks towards the door. The Bartender shouts out
"Oi, you can't leave that lyin there!"
The drunk replies
"It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

[Split Infinity]

About the Brazillian joke: the Official thinks that 'Brazillian' is a number, like zillion.

[My Best Wishes]

Yea it's not me, I think the punch line came way to late.

[Split Infinity]

There are usually many variations of most jokes, since nobody really knows what the originals were like.

[Aquamarine]

I'm not really good at jokes, but what the hey:

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff!


Two old women are sitting in a room in complete darkness. A third old woman comes in and turns the light on.


A young man and woman in France went to a restaurant to have dinner. They asked for two plates of the most expensive snails they had. When the food arrived they started sucking the snails out of their shells. They were very tasty, but there was one snail that the young woman just couldn't suck out of it's shell. After trying a few times she looked at the snail and saw it holding tightly to the shell, the front of his body turned towards her, saying 'Yeah baby, that's what I'm talking about!' with a wide smile.

That last one is one of those jokes you have to mimic while telling it, so I hope someone understands it.

[Yuki]

A man took his blind dog to the vet.
The vet carried the dog and inspected the dog and gave a sad sigh.
"What is it?" the owner of the dog asked.
"I'm going to have to put your dog down," the vet replied.
The Owner gasped with shock "WHY?!"
"Because he's heavy" the vet replied.

>.>;;; Ehehehehe...

[Mars Djinni]

I read that in my brother's jokebook. That version had the dog crosseyed.

[Golden Legacy]

I don't quite get that joke Yuki posted. Someone explain it?

[Sea of Time]

'Putting the dog down' implies that the vet will kill the dog. Now do you get it?

You know, explaining jokes just kind of kills the whole funniness for me.

[Mars Djinni]

To put a dog down means to "put it to sleep". The owner thought the dog had to be killed just because it was blind. Instead, it was too heavy, so the doctor had to put it on the ground to inspect it.

EDIT: Dang. Got to it before me.

[Yuki]

Now...it's dead. D:


I had a joke about a penguin and a nun but I forgot how it goes O:

[Wiflewood]

Aquamarine, on Jun 21 2006, 04:07 PM, said:

Two old women are sitting in a room in complete darkness. A third old woman comes in and turns the light on.

I don't get this one. Is it meant to imply that if the room was in complete darkness she wouldn't be able to find the lightswitch? because if so, thats not really funny. She might have known where the lightswitch was before :/

[Split Infinity]

Maybe they were blind and didn't notice...?

[Platinum Sun]

Maybe it one of those ironic surprise ones. You know, you're expecting it to not suck... and it does!

[Split Infinity]

You mean, like the chicken joke?

[Someone Else]

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

Cause it felt like it!


Classic.

[Aquamarine]

Wiflewood, on Jun 23 2006, 09:13 PM, said:

I don't get this one. Is it meant to imply that if the room was in complete darkness she wouldn't be able to find the lightswitch? because if so, thats not really funny. She might have known where the lightswitch was before :/

That joke had no point at all. And there is no reason for the existance of this particular joke. It's totaly stupid, and that's why I love it!

[Echo_djinn]

Wind Dude, on Jun 23 2006, 04:56 PM, said:

I like crack. Want to show me yours?

Best joke of the day. Wrong on many standards.

[Someone Else]

Heheheh... what can I say?

[Split Infinity]

You just said it, bro!

[Bexie]

Funny stuff, huh?

Not exactly a joke, but screw it, it's funny as hell.

http://youtube.com/w...rch=lee%20evans

And a couple of others:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=JL6AMGg92Mo&mod...rch=lee%20evans

http://youtube.com/watch?v=bmnY2QICR_Q&mod...rch=lee%20evans

They contain some swearing, btw. xD

[Split Infinity]

Billy and Mary were walking home one day when they stumbled across some tracks.

"They're deer tracks! Let's follow them," said Billy.

"No, they're wolf tracks! We should get away from here," said Mary.

"Deer tracks."
"Wolf tracks."
"Deer track!"
"Wolf tracks!"
"DEER TRACKS!"
"WOLF TRACKS!"

They argued like this for about half an hour. Then they got hit by a train. ;)

[Golden Legacy]

Wind Dude, on Jun 23 2006, 04:56 PM, said:

I like crack. Want to show me yours?

Not to sound ridiculous, but is it wrong that I don't understand that joke at all?

[Someone Else]

Not wrong exactly. Maybe you should feel good about it...

Depends on who you ask.

[Caael]

>< Big revive, but is there any point in making another one?

The 7 dwarves are on holiday around the world, and they arrive in italy, but dopey needs to see the pope before they go off sight-seeing. So Dopey gets the appointment with the pope. And so the dwarves enter his office place. Dopey asks:
" Pope, are there any Dwarf nuns in the vatican?"
Pope: " No, dopey. None that I know of"
The other dwarves are sniggering, Dopey is sweating
Dopey: " Well are there any dwarf nuns in the Italy?"
Pope: " No dwarf nuns in Italy"
The other dwarves cant contain themselves for long
Dopey, barely audible: " Are there any dwarf nuns in the world?"
Pope: No, no dwarf nuns

The other dwarves burst out laughing, shouting " Dopey shagged a penguin, dopey shagged a penguin!"

[Split Infinity]

Yo mama so ugly, when she was in labor the doctor asked which end.

Yo mama so poor, she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to blow out a lightbulb.

Yo mama so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it didn't come back.

Yo mama so fat, she fell off all four sides of the bed.

Yo mama so ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo mama so fat, every time she turns around, it's her birthday.

Yo mama so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each time zone.

Yo mama so fat, she got busted for having 200 pounds of crack.

Yo mama so fat, her first word was oink.

[Piers Watermaster]

3 nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter says "Heaven's starting to fill up, so you'll have to answer a question to get in." He turns to the first nun and says, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She says "Adam", the gates open, and she goes in. Peter turns to the second nun and says, "Who was the first woman on Earth?"
She says, "Eve," the gates open, and she goes in. Peter turns to the third nun, and says, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun, thinking, says, "Hmmm... That's a hard one." The gates open and she goes in.

XDXDXD

[Split Infinity]

Heh, it made more sense than Caael's. I seriously don't get that.

[Piers Watermaster]

Penguins look like tiny nuns, dopey saw a penguin, thought it was a dwarf nun... get it now?

[Split Infinity]

Well yeah, I did get it...it just seemed a little random so I wondered if I'd missed something.

[Piers Watermaster]

No worries, it took me a little while to get it too.

[Split Infinity]

Oh wait...I get it now. Rofl.

[Caael]

True story:

When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Port Macquarie street, he got more than he bargained for. Plice arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal petrol and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. He had tried to siphon the petrol by first sucking it up the hose. The owner of the motor home declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Another:
A man walked into a shop, put a $20 note on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled out a gun and asked for all the money in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man tookthe cash and fled, leaving the $20 on the counter. The amount he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

[FlamingDuck]

Your mama is so fat, she takes up two syllables.

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba



A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates. Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt." They again battle the pirates and are victorious. Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit." "I see," says the cabin boy. A few days later, they sight 20 pirate in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."




Uncle Sam and Osama decided to settle the whole war with a dogfight. They would each have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog and whoever's dog won would dominate the world. Osama found the meanest Doberman females in the world and bred them with the meanest wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog ever. When the day came for the big dogfight, Uncle Sam showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over toward Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dog--but when it got close to the American dog, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and ate Osama's dog whole. Osama said, “We don't understand how this could have happened, we had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest dogs and the meanest wolves. “Uncle Sam said, “That’s nothing, we had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

[Caael]

FD: Last joke- Great. Potato joke thouhg...?

A man buys a ticket at the cinema, and lies across 3 seats. The usher goes up to him and says: ' I'm sorry sir, you cant lie there, more people are coming, you're taking up too much room'
The man doesnt budge. The usher gets annoyed: ' I'm going to have to get the manager'
The manager comes along, and the manager threatens him:
' If you dont get up now, then you are banned from this cinema'.
The man doesnt budge. The manager calls the police. When the police arrive, the man puts on an expression of pain and starts groaning. The police ask: ' Where are you from then?'
The man replies, with a look of pain on his face : ' The balcony'

[Split Infinity]

Sorry Caael, but that joke blows. :(

About the potato thing, the old guy supposedly showed the letter to the police, who dug up his garden but to no avail. This is good, because now the old man doesn't have to dig up the garden himself.

[TheEnglishman]

Good joke Caael. That was pretty funny!

[Golden Legacy]

Great old topic worth reviving. I'll quote one of my favorite jokes from early on:

Memories Remain, on Jun 18 2006, 08:01 AM, said:

Straight out of one of my joke books:

The following question was supposedly given on a chemistry exam, ‘Is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof.
Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
‘First we need to know how the mass of hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into hell and the rate they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul enters hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
‘As for how many souls are entering hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
‘With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for temperature and the pressure in hell to stay the same, the volume of hell needs to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate at which souls enter hell, the temperature and pressure will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if hell is expanding at a faster rate than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
‘If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, that “it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in that area, the (2) cannot be true, and so hell is exothermic.
This student got the only A.

One of my favourites.

Hilarious. ;)

[Moonear]

Fu, Bu, and Chu decide to move from China to America. They decide that they should all change their names to fit into American culture. Bu changed his name to Buck. Chu changed is name to Chuck. Fu decided to stay in China.

...

A man walks up to a teenager in a bar. The man says "Look, there are two windows over there. It's so windy that you can jump out of one window and come back in the other." The teenager decides to try, but he falls to his death. The bartender says to the man, "Superman, you're such a jerk when you're drunk."

...

Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and a smart blond are sitting on a plane.
...

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

[Laharl]

most of the jokes are inappropriate/offensive/bad taste etc.

but i do know copius amounts of chav jokes

Q) What do you call a chav in a suit?
A The accused

Q) What’s wrong with putting 4 chavs in a mini bus and pushing it over a cliff?
A) You can fit 18 in a mini bus

Q) What do you call 20 chavs at the bottom of a river?
A) Good start

Q) What do chavs use for protection during sex?
A) A bus shelter

Q) What do you call a chav in a three-bedroom house?
A) A burglar

Q) How do you know if a chav has burgled your home?
A} The bin is empty and the dog is pregnant.

Q) What do you do when you see a chav with half a face?
A) Stop laughing and re-load.

XDDDD

All hail Uncyclopedia

[Eugine]

Why do you hate chavs so much?

Funny anyway.

[Mallick]

Most of those were jokes for certain races etc. but just replaced with chav.


And a lot of them have much better punchlines.

[Laharl]

true, but most 'clean' jokes are about as funny as leprocy.

[Mallick]

I know a lot of black jokes, but I generally don't tell them because I have black friends. :\

[Eugine]

Racial jokes are funny imo, but yea... they are pretty offensive most of the times, especially in a multiracial environment.

Anyone else thinks Yo Mama jokes are pretty non-existent now?

[Folcon]

Okay, here's a few;

Q: What kind of key does not open a lock?
A: A monkey

Q: What do astronauts eat for dinner?
A: Launch meat

Q: Why did the little mouse run away from home?
A: Because his father was a rat


I know, they suck, but what do you expect from Lafft Taffy wrapers.

[Eugine]

Sometimes, for some reason... I laugh at jokes that are not funny in anyway. For no apparent reason. Whatsoever.
Now would be the pefect example ^___^

[Laharl]

.eugine, on Oct 30 2007, 04:57 AM, said:

Anyone else thinks Yo Mama jokes are pretty non-existent now?

They never were remotely funny.

There is only one kind of person above the age of 13 who finds them funny, the common RETARD.

And chavs too...

[Folcon]

laharl the slayer, on Oct 30 2007, 01:10 AM, said:

They never were remotely funny.

There is only one kind of person above the age of 13 who finds them funny, the common RETARD.

And chavs too...

Oh they can be funny, you just have to time it right.

[Mallick]

yo momma so fat, she walked in front of the TV and I missed 3 episodes of Lost... i been struggling to understand the plot ever since.

[My Best Wishes]

Are they still funny escout? I laughed at some of those Chav jokes though, but I've heard some of them already, just not with Chav's.

[Caael]

I rofl'd at them, Laharl.


All the half decent jokes I know are a teensy bit racist/offensive to religion. But anybody who cant put up with a bit of fun. For example:

What happens when jews take part in sport?

They lose.

[Aquamarine]

Ha ha, that was good.

[FlamingDuck]

This is perhaps the single best reason the internet exists.

[Wiflewood]

Or not.

Although there are some mildly amusing ones in there.

I liked this one though:

"What do you get when you cross a river with an elephant?"
"To the other side"

[Platinum Sun]

Wiflewood, on Oct 31 2007, 06:25 PM, said:

"What do you get when you cross a river with an elephant?"
"To the other side"

That was so not funny it inflicted physical pain.

[Laharl]

Wiflewood, on Oct 31 2007, O6:25 PM, said:

"What do you get when you cross a river with an elephant?"
"To the other side"

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y200/SmileyFaceGirl/Others/000gpraw.jpg

Seriously though, that site is dire

[Toasty]

Quote

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks. [This was voted the #1 funniest joke in Belgium, by the way]

FD IS FROM BELGIUM!

[Laharl]

Dude of Wind, on Nov 1 2007, 12:11 AM, said:

FD IS FROM BELGIUM!

last time i checked, Belgium hadn't been invaded and conquered by Holland.

[Caael]

Why are Chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of
stairs.

What do you call a Chav at college?
The cleaner.

Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins?
Society

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Chav male, 6ft 5in
tall and 350lbs. He’s having a few beers when a short, well dressed and
obviously *** man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the
*** fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big
Chavster. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear “Do you want a blow
job?” he whispers. At this, the Chav leaps up with fire
in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool,
he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves
him badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing
had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer.
“I’ve never seen you react like that” he says “Just what did he say to
you?” “I’m not sure” the Chav replies. “Something about a job.”

[Wiflewood]

Platinum Sun, on Oct 31 2007, 11:33 PM, said:

That was so not funny it inflicted physical pain.

Well I never said it was funny. I thought it was quite clever.

[Golden Legacy]

Someone explain to me what a "chav" is?

[Wiflewood]

Chav/Scally/Yob/Hoodie

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chav

In brief: Wear burberry caps, cheap 'bling', tracksuits tucked into socks, hang around on street corners and drink + smoke, shave their heads, and say 'Ahhhh man what da **** yoo doo-en"

[Caael]

Because dey r 'ard, ennit.

[Ironsight]

Get 'er don?
EDIT: I'm sorry, I meant to put up a link. But my internet here is soooo slooooow

[Wiflewood]

Bumped so Skid can find it.

Also:


An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

[Drizzy Drake]

Why did I need to find this?

EDIT-Nvm, I didn't notice mine was closed.

[Moonear]

A teacher decides to have a taste test with her students. She gives Johnny a Hershey's kiss and asks him, "Do you know what it is?" Johnny shakes his head and says, "No." The teacher says, "Okay, I'll give you a hint. It's something your dad wants from your mom before he goes to work."
All of a sudden, Lucy yells out, "Spit it out, it's a piece of ass!"

[Jenna]

What do Michael Jackson and zits have in common?

When you turn 13 they come all over you.

[Folcon]

What do Micheal Jackson and Captain Hook have in common?

Both live in a place called Neverland and both chace after young boys.

[PDM]

I have some racist jokes, but I fear Eugine will read this topic and take offense.

[Folcon]

Well he's not a mod anymore, but you are right. Keep them to dead baby jokes and jokes about celeberties and youl'll be fine.

[PDM]

Okay, but I gotta say ONE racist joke. It's funny if you aren't a good person. (:


A black boy in the third grade was playing doctor with all the white boys and girls in his class. The boys all pull out their penises, and his is the largest. He's very embarrassed, and when he goes home he asks his mom, "Mommy, why is my penis the larger than all the other third graders' penises? Is it because I'm black?"

She laughs and responds, "Naw, nigguh, it's because you're supposed to be in the eighth grade!"

[Split Infinity]

What the hell is doctor?

[Gio]

This one is a bit distrubing. I am sorry if someone has posted it already, I don't feel like reading through all the posts at the moment

What do Michael Jackson and a playstation have in common?
They are both made of plastic and little boys turn them on.

[PDM]

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

Spoiler

One is made out of plastic, and is very dangerous for children to play with.


... the other holds groceries.

[Split Infinity]

I guess Jacko goes to the store just like the rest of us.

[PDM]

McJackson burger?

50 year old meat in 8 year old buns?


old'd

[Laharl]

Scientists have discovered that the female hormone is present in beer, as after ten pints you talk shyte and cant drive.

[Mallick]

What's the worst thing about being a black jew?

you gotta sit in the back of the oven

[Caael]

PDM, thats one of the best racist jokes i've ever heard.

Why do black people have white hands and feet?

Because everybody has a little good in them.

[Someone Else]

Good lord, that's possibly the most racist thing I've ever heard.

[Caael]

What have you done wrong if your wife comes out the kitchen to nag at you?

Made her chain too long.



Why did the woman cross the road?

Who cares, why the **** is she out of the kitchen?

[Eugine]

Got this in an email -

HUSBAND STORE
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

[gsninja]

Why don't women need licenses?

There's no road from the kitchen to the bedroom.

[R-dog]

A mother was washing her four year old toddler. He points at his testicles and asks, "Mommy, are these my brains?"

She says, "Not yet".

[Zeypher]

Lemme give this a shot...

Why don't mexicans barbeque?

Because beans don't fit on the grill...

[Mallick]

Get out of this topic.

[Zeypher]

Anonymous, on May 6 2008, 06:17 PM, said:

Get out of this topic.

Yes sir :)

[Eugine]

R-dog, on May 6 2008, 07:44 PM, said:

A mother was washing her four year old toddler. He points at his testicles and asks, "Mommy, are these my brains?"

She says, "Not yet".

lol, that's probably the funniest joke in this topic.

[CeruSapph]

R-dog, on May 6 2008, 06:44 PM, said:

A mother was washing her four year old toddler. He points at his testicles and asks, "Mommy, are these my brains?"

She says, "Not yet".

That was funny. Haha!

[Golden Legacy]

Eugine, on May 6 2008, 06:46 PM, said:

Got this in an email -

HUSBAND STORE
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

LOL, that was absolutely brilliant!

[Aquamarine]

Why is God called God?










Because Chuck Norris was already taken.

[Caael]

Chuck Norris jokes were funny for about a week...

[Zeypher]

Chuck Norris jokes are always funny.

[Laharl]

jokes just arent as good when you're not making fun of someone's race, gender, religion or sexuality

[Eugine]

lol, I actually laughed at the Chuck Norris joke Aqua posted.

[Gio]

What is one black person on the moon?

A problem

What is two black people on the moon?

A problem

What would you call it if every black person was on the moon?

A solution.

Sorry I couldn't help but post that. lol

[Eugine]

lol Gio. That was funny (but racist omg. Thankfully it's a joke >>)
I won't mind going on the moon with NASA yah know.

Edit:
Friend on MSN:
Lenz [Fear Denies Faith!!] says (11:08 PM):
lol
Lenz [Fear Denies Faith!!] says (11:08 PM):
thats funny
Lenz [Fear Denies Faith!!] says (11:08 PM):
and ****ing racist!!

[Mallick]

Why do nigggers have 2 nostrils?

Regular and premium unleaded.

[Eugine]

Anyway, I would do some racial jokes, but they usually leave scars on relationships that could have had something, so yeah.
Oh, and that joke sucked btw.

Anyway, another foward a friend sent me -

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car...

[Ironsight]

Eugine, on May 7 2008, 08:04 PM, said:

lol Gio. That was funny (but racist omg. Thankfully it's a joke >>)
I won't mind going on the moon with NASA yah know.

Edit:
Friend on MSN:
Lenz [Fear Denies Faith!!] says (11:08 PM):
lol
Lenz [Fear Denies Faith!!] says (11:08 PM):
thats funny
Lenz [Fear Denies Faith!!] says (11:08 PM):
and ****ing racist!!

Your friend must play Dawn of war then?

[Eugine]

Yeah x.x
His names and PMs are always some Warhammer quote.

"Educate men without faith and you but make them clever devils" was his PM
"There Is No Such Thing As Innocence; Only Degrees Of Guilt" is his PM.

[Ironsight]

Yeah, I know almost all of them.

[Split Infinity]

Eugine, on May 8 2008, 02:26 PM, said:

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car...

Dear God, LOL.

[Lightning Star]

Eugine, on May 7 2008, 09:26 PM, said:

of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car...

XDDDDD

Bet he felt like a million bucks after that. (Obviously it's not true, but if it did happen...)



What's the difference between a dead mexican in the road and a dead dog in the road?

There are skid marks leading up to the dog.

[Laharl]

Black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

Barkeep asks "Where'd you get that from?"

Parrot replies "Africa, there's ****ing millions of 'em"

[Mallick]

What do you call 12 black people in the back of an old barn?
Antique farm equipment.

When does a black person turn into a ******?
As soon as he leaves the room.

What do you call a black person with 8 arms?
I dunno, but he sure can pick cotton.

[Eugine]

lol Laharl >>

To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her
Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, & everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a
Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well
Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size'

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[Folcon]

That one was great eugine.

[Aquamarine]

@ Eugine's jokes: tl;dr.

[Caael]

You just wanted an excuse to say 'tl;dr'. Dont deny it.


" Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give him a fishing rod and he'll go ****ing mental and catch every bloody fish in the river."

[Lightning Star]

Eugine, on May 8 2008, 06:07 AM, said:

lol Laharl >>

To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her
Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, & everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a
Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well
Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size'

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

XD. But still, any woman I know would love to be treated like that too. It's so cute! ^^

The Lie Clock

A woman goes to heaven and she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and a big wall of clocks behind it. Looking at St. Peter, she asks, "what are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter responds, "Those are lie clocks. Every time a person lies, their clock moves a minute".

Turning, he points to a gold clock, "There's mother Teresa's clock. Her time is at 12:00 exactly, meaning she's never lied once."

Then he points to another clock, rested on 12:02, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. He only lied twice in his life time."

Thinking, the woman asks, "Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?"

He replies, "Oh, that's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Mallick]

err, delete.

[Split Infinity]

LOL HILARY CLINTON R LIZ0R

[Aquamarine]

Caael, on May 8 2008, 11:22 PM, said:

You just wanted an excuse to say 'tl;dr'. Dont deny it.

HE READS MINDS! EVERYBODY RUN! *hides under coffee table*

Man, I haven't been random in weeks.

[Eugine]

I'm really lazy, and don't want to format these jokes o.o

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

__________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now, whose death do you suppose terminated it?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table, wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

---
Some I don't get, some are reallllly funny. And Icy, that Hillary Clinton joke was funny.

[Eugine]

I didn't (and still don't) get the Voodoo and "this is how I dress" ones o.o

[Someone Else]

I don't get the "this is how I dress" one.

As for the voodoo one, try saying the dialogue out load.

[Ironsight]

Eugine, on May 24 2008, 08:28 PM, said:

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

Rofl.

[Laharl]

i've seen those before, genuine lolage XD

[Eugine]

lolz...

I Want a Divorce...
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' He says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are.'

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. 'I want the house,' he says insistently..

Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues.

85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.
'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.'

Moral of the Story:
Women are crazy!!!!
Don't mess with them!!

[Aquamarine]

Eugine, your attorney jokes are bloody hilarious!

I couldn't bother reading your last post though.

[Caael]

At 85, the airbag wouldnt save her

[Toasty]

It'd be the same as a head on collision with two cars going about 43 miles an hour. I think that's somewhat survivable, as long as you were in a midsized (or larger) truck.

And I lol'd at the marriage one with the younger sister.

[Laharl]

Q) What do you call a virgin in Louisiana?
A) A girl that can run faster than her brother.

[Yuki]

Laharl, on May 30 2008, 01:51 AM, said:

Q) What do you call a virgin in Louisiana?
A) A girl that can run faster than her brother.

I FAWKING LOL'D.

Anyway.

I'm not funny.

So no jokes from me.

Although I do have a few pick up lines =D;

[Ironsight]

http://www.goldensun-syndicate.net/forum/i...mp;#entry404536

-1400

[Toasty]

Chuck Norris once got an erection while lying face down, and struck oil.

[Caael]

Eventually michael the archangle found him on the seventh day, resting
He said: God, where have you been?
God sighed a sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds
" Look Michael, look what i've made" said god
the angel looked puzzled
" What is it?" Said Michael
" It's a planet. I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance" said god
"Balance?" Inquired michael, still confused
God explained, pointing out different parts of the earth
" For example, North America will be a place of great opportunityand wealth, whil wouth america is going to be poor.the middle east over there will be a hot spot, but russia will be freezing. Over there i've placed a continent with white people, and over there is a continent of black people"
Got continued, pointing to different countries
"This one will be really sandy but this one will be icy"
The angel, impressed by gods work pointed to a small land mass and said " what's that one?"
"Ah" said god
" Thats Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humourous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieveing and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace"
the angel gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed " What about Balance, God? You said there will be balance!"
God replied wisely
" Wait until you see the wankers i'm putting next to them in France"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy and O'Tool are pilots
flying a plane into dublin
when paddy says to O'Tool
Paddy: Feck me O'Tool, look at tha runway! thats gotta be the shortest runway i've ever seen
O'Tool: You know what to do. We gotta slam the brakes hard
Paddy: Aye
O'tool: Put the engines in reverse
Paddy: Aye
O'Tool: And pray to St Patrick that we land this thing safely
Paddy: Aye
They manage to make the landing, though the landing gear is ripped off and the plane is unusable, but everybody is alive
O'Tool: Feckin hell paddy, that must be the shortest runway i've ever seen!
Paddy: Yeah, and the feckin widest


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Paddy and O'Tool have just bought a pig each
paddy says
how are we gonna tell our pigs apart?
O'Tool: I know, i'll chop off the left ear of my pig so we know whose is whos
Paddy: Sounds good
it goes alright for about a week, but then paddy storms into O'Tool's house
Paddy: Your feckin pig has chewed off my feckin pigs left ear, so now we have 2 pigs with no left ears
O'Tool: No problem, i'll cut off the right ear of my pig
again, it goes well for a week, but again paddy comes storming in
Paddy: O'Tool, your feckin pig chewed my pigs right ear off. Now we have 2 feckin pigs with no ears
O'Tool: Thats alright paddy, i'll chop my pigs tail off
again, it's fine for a week but once again, paddy runs in shouting at O'Tool
Paddy: YOUR FECKIN PIG CHEWED OFF MY PIGS TAIL! NOW WE HAVE 2 PIGS WITH NO EARS AND NO TAILS!
O'Tool: Ah feck it, you have the black one i'll have the white one

[Split Infinity]

Lol, British jokes.

[R-dog]

Here's another British joke ~

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

[Ironsight]

Caael, on Jun 5 2008, 01:43 PM, said:

" Thats Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humourous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieveing and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace"

Rofl, that's funny.




jk -_-

[Zeypher]

Caael, on Jun 5 2008, 02:43 PM, said:

Eventually michael the archangle found him on the seventh day, resting
He said: God, where have you been?
God sighed a sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds
" Look Michael, look what i've made" said god
the angel looked puzzled
" What is it?" Said Michael
" It's a planet. I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance" said god
"Balance?" Inquired michael, still confused
God explained, pointing out different parts of the earth
" For example, North America will be a place of great opportunityand wealth, whil wouth america is going to be poor.the middle east over there will be a hot spot, but russia will be freezing. Over there i've placed a continent with white people, and over there is a continent of black people"
Got continued, pointing to different countries
"This one will be really sandy but this one will be icy"
The angel, impressed by gods work pointed to a small land mass and said " what's that one?"
"Ah" said god
" Thats Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humourous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieveing and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace"
the angel gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed " What about Balance, God? You said there will be balance!"
God replied wisely
" Wait until you see the wankers i'm putting next to them in France"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy and O'Tool are pilots
flying a plane into dublin
when paddy says to O'Tool
Paddy: Feck me O'Tool, look at tha runway! thats gotta be the shortest runway i've ever seen
O'Tool: You know what to do. We gotta slam the brakes hard
Paddy: Aye
O'tool: Put the engines in reverse
Paddy: Aye
O'Tool: And pray to St Patrick that we land this thing safely
Paddy: Aye
They manage to make the landing, though the landing gear is ripped off and the plane is unusable, but everybody is alive
O'Tool: Feckin hell paddy, that must be the shortest runway i've ever seen!
Paddy: Yeah, and the feckin widest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy and O'Tool have just bought a pig each
paddy says
how are we gonna tell our pigs apart?
O'Tool: I know, i'll chop off the left ear of my pig so we know whose is whos
Paddy: Sounds good
it goes alright for about a week, but then paddy storms into O'Tool's house
Paddy: Your feckin pig has chewed off my feckin pigs left ear, so now we have 2 pigs with no left ears
O'Tool: No problem, i'll cut off the right ear of my pig
again, it goes well for a week, but again paddy comes storming in
Paddy: O'Tool, your feckin pig chewed my pigs right ear off. Now we have 2 feckin pigs with no ears
O'Tool: Thats alright paddy, i'll chop my pigs tail off
again, it's fine for a week but once again, paddy runs in shouting at O'Tool
Paddy: YOUR FECKIN PIG CHEWED OFF MY PIGS TAIL! NOW WE HAVE 2 PIGS WITH NO EARS AND NO TAILS!
O'Tool: Ah feck it, you have the black one i'll have the white one

tl;dr

British jokes are lame anyway -_-

[Caael]

If you're not going to read them, then why the **** did you bother post?

Does saying 'tl;dr' really give you that much satisfaction?

[Zeypher]

Well I actually read it, but I felt like typing tl;dr.

[Laharl]

Zeypher, on Jun 6 2008, 06:49 AM, said:

British jokes are lame anyway -_-

YOUR MOM is lame

Ameican jokes are worse XP

[Split Infinity]

Why is an astronaut like an American footballer?
They both like to make safe touch-downs.

BA-DUM-DUM-PISH!

[Aquamarine]

... Oh God Split, that sucked.

[Split Infinity]

I know, right? -_-

[Aquamarine]

You're supposed to say something along the lines of "Well I don't see you posting any better jokes!" You disappoint me man, you really do...

[Split Infinity]

You know, I practically had that in mind when I saw you'd replied in this topic. XD

[Aquamarine]

...

You disappoint me Jacko, you really do...

[Split Infinity]

Well I don't see you posting any better jokes...

Oh, that's gotta hurt!

[Aquamarine]

Here's a joke for you, smartass:

Why do Australians always add an O to names when talking to someone?



























Because they're ****ing weird.

[Eugine]

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Nah, that joke was mucho suxorz Aqua. Read mines, you'll learn a few.

[Aquamarine]

Thank you, thanks you, no applause, just throw money.

[Split Infinity]

An American and a Serbian are walking down the street.

The American says, 'We have George Bush, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.'

The Serbian replies, 'We have Voja Kostunica, no wonder, no hope and no cash.'

[Aquamarine]

Split Infinity, on Jun 7 2008, 12:21 AM, said:

An American and a Serbian are walking down a street.

The American says, 'We have George Bush, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.'

The Serbain replies, 'We have Voja Kostunica, no wonder, no hope and no cash.'

Ha ha, that's pretty good actually! Did you come up with that right now?

Wait... Am I praising you?! Booo is what I mean, booo!

[Eugine]

Who the hell is Voja Kostunica? And anyone > Mr. Bush, tyvm.

[Split Infinity]

Damnit Aqua, you quoted before I could remove the typo!

[Aquamarine]

Eugine, on Jun 7 2008, 12:23 AM, said:

Who the hell is Voja Kostunica? And anyone > Mr. Bush, tyvm.

He's a Serbian politician, and I would love nothing more than to see his bloody carcass in the street.

And I just told the joke to my brother and he really liked it too!

... Yeah, we're good at taking jokes on our expense.

EDIT: What typo?

[Split Infinity]

What's the difference between American and Serbian pilots?

American pilots break ground and fly into the wind!

[Aquamarine]

Heh, not bad, but the last one was much better. It was really a joke that Serbs can understand and laugh at.

[Split Infinity]

You did get it, right?

[gsninja]

Why haven't there been any women to the moon?

It doesn't need cleaning yet.

[Eugine]

lol gsninja. I was looking for a new display name, and I just got it.
Funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Zeypher]

Not sure if this has been posted yet but...

Why do black people have nightmares?
Because we killed the only one that had a dream.

[Caael]

What did the blind, deaf and dumb guy get for christmas?

Cancer




Ricky Gervais: How much have I rasied for cancer research? Oh, millions. I do a lot of charity work. That being the case, if I ever do get cancer, i'm going to march into the hospital and say '' I paid for that machine so get that little bald ****er off it''

[TheEnglishman]

Caael, on Jun 7 2008, 01:48 AM, said:

Ricky Gervais: How much have I rasied for cancer research? Oh, millions. I do a lot of charity work. That being the case, if I ever do get cancer, i'm going to march into the hospital and say '' I paid for that machine so get that little bald ****er off it''

I'm really not a fan of Ricky Gervais. He's kinda funny, but there's something about his personality I just can't like.

[Laharl]

Caael, on Jun 7 2008, 01:48 AM, said:

Cancer

Caael, on Jun 7 2008, 01:48 AM, said:

Ricky Gervais

same vein of comedy

[Someone Else]

Zeypher, on Jun 6 2008, 05:05 PM, said:

Not sure if this has been posted yet but...

Why do black people have nightmares?
Because we killed the only one that had a dream.

I've heard that one before! -_-

[Caael]

Laharl, on Jun 7 2008, 09:20 AM, said:

same vein of comedy

You know it