[Nemphtis]

Wrote a review for Rainbow Six: Vegas a few weeks ago, I want advice on what I need to improve so I can implement them into my future literature. Rather than posting the article here and formatting it all over again I may as well just link you to my DeviantArt page.

[Eugine]

Excellent review imo, but honestly I rate easy.

[Nemphtis]

I think I rate too easy too, because I gave it a 9/10 upon first writing the review. I've edited it recently back down to an 8/10 and I'm sticking with it. I've edited it several times since I've written the review because I honestly can't decide if the game deserves an eight or a nine...

Nobody's complained about my review yet, and I can't say if that's a good or bad thing. So far everyone has said it's a good review, but surely it's not perfect so there must be flaws yet nobody is pointing anything negative out. Oh and come on you fanboys, it won't kill you to read my review and comment on it. Eugine's the only one who had the intelligence to read the darn thing.

[Split Infinity]

Very well, I'll have a look and give my honest opinion. Watch this space.

[EDIT] The overall structure of the review is good. The grammar used in the first paragraph makes it seem slightly rushed; a small amount of suspense would make the reader interested and want to read on. Also, you haven't at all described the atmosphere or environments of the game, though a screenshot or two would help in that regard, as well as making the review less of a chore to look at.

I see that you've remembered to address the downfalls of the game, which are often overlooked by some gamers for love of the overall experience. You've also informed the reader of almost everything they would want to know about the game before making a decision, and displayed a good vocabulary. I think you've done a pretty good job of summing up the game. I'd give the review an 8/10.

[Nemphtis]

Split Infinity, on Jan 11 2007, 03:45 AM, said:

Very well, I'll have a look and give my honest opinion. Watch this space.

[EDIT] The overall structure of the review is good. The grammar used in the first paragraph makes it seem slightly rushed; a small amount of suspense would make the reader interested and want to read on. Also, you haven't at all described the atmosphere or environments of the game, though a screenshot or two would help in that regard, as well as making the review less of a chore to look at.

I see that you've remembered to address the downfalls of the game, which are often overlooked by some gamers for love of the overall experience. You've also informed the reader of almost everything they would want to know about the game before making a decision, and displayed a good vocabulary. I think you've done a pretty good job of summing up the game. I'd give the review an 8/10.

Yeah, the reason I haven't included any 'eye-candy' is because I only have to write the article. Once I've sent this to the editor, he will add the game information (console, players, developer etc.) and also a few dozen screen shots so I only have to worry about writing the review and not hunting for images.

Also can you explain in more detail what you mean about the grammar being used in the first paragraph makes it seem slightly rushed. I don't understand why I would need suspense in a video game review either, I'm not trying to write a fantasy novel here, I'm just stating the facts. I think I'll keep in mind to describe the overall atmosphere of the game in my next review, that's something I would have liked to have done for this one so I'll experiment with it on my next article.

[Split Infinity]

I know it's a game review, but the premise is pretty much the same. Your goal is to deliver the facts, while making it interesting or possibly humorous to read.

By grammatic suspense, I can't really describe it to you. So I'll just show you a 'suspensified' verson of the first paragraph. Hopefully you'll get the idea. Let's just say that there are a few more 'rests'.

Quote

Since Rainbow Six: Lockdown was a big disappointment, I've stopped getting excited every time a new game in the franchise is announced. Maybe it was a good thing to have low expectations from Rainbow Six: Vegas, since I was taken aback by how well polished the game was compared to any of the previous Rainbow Six titles. There are probably two major qualities which make this game stand out from it's predecessors right from the start: the use of cover, and of course Vegas, which is where most of the game's offline and online maps are set.

[Nemphtis]

Half of the corrections you included in that quote were already in my article. I don't see the logic in changing my semi-colon into a colon in that sentence either. There was one comma which you added that I thought would be useful so I've added it to my article, but the the other two I already had in my original article and the last two are far too extra and would cause people to complain that there are too many pauses in the first paragraph alone.

Also, it may be easier to simply say "You need more commas" or something next time.

[Split Infinity]

They were there? Hmm. I only added the redness to make it more obvious, guess I forgot which ones to highlight. Also, the colon is replacing the semi-colon because you are starting a basic list, not a complex list.

[Nemphtis]

So you're saying that a semi-colon is used for complex lists, and a colon is used for basic lists?

[Split Infinity]

Yes. A complex list involves seperate commas which function to actually describe the items listed, and a basic list is just the items. I know it's a small detail, but you started it. ;)

[Nemphtis]

The explanation on what a colon is, and how to use it.

The explanation on what a semi-colon is, and how to use it.

You're right, I started it but I'm ending it. ;)

[Split Infinity]

Fine then, don't use it. That's just my opinion.

[Nemphtis]

Opinion is something that can be debated, there is nothing to debate here.

I did however find your other comma useful, since I missed that. My first paragraph makes a tiny bit more sense now, and any improvement is a step forward so I'm happy. Anything else other than the first paragraph that you think I can edit?

[Split Infinity]

I'll list them here as I find them.

Paragraph 2: Hyphen could be replaced with a comma.
Paragraph 2: Comma after 'top-left corner'.
Paragraph 3: Comma after 'enjoyable co-op'.
Paragraph 4: Change 'awards' to 'rewards'.
Paragraph 4: Comma after 'useful in battle'.
Paragraph 4: Change comma to full stop after 'map you're playing'.
Paragraph 5: Comma after 'the assault rifles'.
Paragraph 5: Comma after 'the sniper rifles'.
Paragraph 5: Change comma to semi-colon after 'at long range'.

[EDIT] That's it. Take my advice wherever you feel necessary.