[Someone Else]

Firstly, I did not write this story. I found this on another forum I look at sometimes, but I can't link the topic or the forum for obvious reasons. I just saved the story on my computer. (the topic is probably old and gone anyway)

With that said, this is a very, very funny story which comes in parts. It tells the tale of a very smart college boy and his adventures, experiences, and general shenanigans at work or just going around with his "special" friend. Hilarity ensues!!

Prologue
Chapter 1: Fired
Chapter 2: Good Mothers
Chapter 3: Intro to Josh
Chapter 4: Ropeadope and the Trained Attack Retard
Chapter 5: Josh Goes Fishing
Chapter 6: Halloween
Epilogue: More on Josh

[Someone Else]

Prologue:
I once punched a duck in the face.

I collect those free AOL CDs. I have 500 of them so far. My plan is to get 3000 of them then dump them all in front of the AOL headquarters.

I once confiscated 4 carry on suitcases full of illegal fireworks from four men who intended to sell them. Two weeks later one of the suitcases went "missing". In a completely unrelated story, I had a ringing in my ears for two days after last Fourth of July.

I like to play Unreal Tournament on servers with a team deathmatch and friendly fire on. As soon as the game begins I start killing my teammates and never shoot at the other team. When they start yelling at me I proclaim that I was a double agent and they have all been fools. Then I switch teams and follow my teammates really close behind them, and say things like "Where are we going Mr. Frodo?", "I don't trust that Gollum fellow, not one bit Mr.Frodo", "Are you sure this is the way to Mordor Mr.Frodo?", and "I love you Mr.Frodo." Sometimes I stay crouched and run along just ahead of them and call out "This way hobbits.", "Not much farther now hobbits", and if they get away from me I chase them down and yell at them, "Not that way stupid hobbits, this way this way." Recently I bought a headset and I'm enjoying all the new ways to annoy people, though right now I'm fond of singing Frank Sinatra songs.

I used to play Counter Strike a long time ago. I didn't consider it a FPS so much as a way to be a gigantic asshole to everyone without any repercussions. I had a checklist of things to do over and over until I got banned from the server.

• Playing as the counter terrorists, soon as the match starts, drop a grenade and pick off any survivors. The point of the game stopped being about stopping the terrorists and more about surviving the first two minutes of the round.
  
• If I were playing as the terrorists, I would plant the bomb in the most obvious place possible. I had a "Hey the bomb is here come see" tag the size of a wall. I don't think any further explanation is needed.
  
• I also had a wall sized goatse tag. I would kill all but one other person, then I would put up the tag, stare at it for two minutes, then suicide.
  
• I liked to shoot a gun until it was empty, then I would find a enemy running around who hadn't noticed me yet, then jump out in front of him and throw the empty gun in front of him. You'd be surprised how many people don't turn of auto pickup. They'd run over the gun, see me, and start shooting at me with the empty gun. I'd chuckle and stab them in the face.
  
• I'd like to find a doorway or a pipe I could block, and then I'd just stand there, spamming "NONE SHALL PASS" whenever someone tried to get by me. This would always end in me getting shot. Then I'd piss and moan about "This ****ing noob TK ******". Remember, I tended to do all these things on the same server.

If you've ever been playing BattleField 1942, and you've jumped into the last plane with no one around, only to explode as you take off, yes, that was me.

I have a big list of people who I hate and the people who hate them and vice versa. Every now and then I like to set things up so that these people will meet in situations that make it hard for them to leave. I don't know why they keep listening to me.

I like to wax my floors really well and then call my dog with the promise of a car ride. Every single time he will come running at full speed, only to hit the newly waxed floor and slide a good ten feet. Sometimes I set up empty plastic bottles like bowling pins. I know he thinks it's fun because after the first time he'll go back and do it four or five more times.

Sometimes when my dog begs at the table, I'll toss a piece of broccoli at him knowing that he'll catch it without looking to see what it is. He'll eat it, but he'll stare at me with this "what the hell man, I'm a dog" look on his face while he chews.

Did you know that you can buy Praying Mantis egg sacks at gardening stores? For my senior prank I placed three egg sacks above the ceiling tile in the left end, center, and right end of my school two weeks before the last day of school. It worked perfectly. On the last day of school everyone arrived to find it taken over by 6,000 tiny green insect ninjas. One day I plan to somehow get one onto and airplane and hide it somewhere on the plane, just to see what Fox News would make of it.

I just remembered another thing I like to do. I like to go to ****ty movies, and then I like to wait outside the door for the next showing to start, and then spoil the ending for them. It goes something like this. "Hi there." "Uh, hello." "The monsters are just the towns people in costumes, and the village is actually just a group of people who hid in a federal reserve to escape the 21 century. M. Night Shyamalan is the best actor in the entire movie. Have a nice day, enjoy the movie."

The "enjoy you're movie" line is usually where they turn red and look real angry.

I'm a jerk, but I'm tons of fun.

[Folcon]

LMAO, that was good. can't wait to see the next one.

Is it just me, or does this guy sound a little like one of our members, whom will remain nameless.

[Platinum Sun]

Aside form learning the most annoying CounterStrike trick ever, and a great prank idea, I find this to be of no redeeming value thus far.

[Someone Else]

I know, I so want to do that prank. But this is just an intro to what the main character himself is like. It gets better, trust me.

[Nyktos]

It's funny, becuase it's not me it's happening to!

[gsninja]

This is great. Keep it coming, WD. =D

[Someone Else]

I also want to point out this is actually a STORY, not just a continued list of things that the guy has done.

[Caael]

Haha, this is great. These are the things I find priceless.

I want to know who escout was talking about though.

[Aquamarine]

I think I know who he was speaking of. Probably someone NOT called Spam King, right?

This is funny, but not really hillarious. Hope it gets even better though. Some of those pranks are really good.

[Someone Else]

This isn't about anyone from this forum, guys...

[Folcon]

I didn't say it was about anyone, I just said it sounded like someone here. I'm just not nameing names.

But I do know a guy that sounds like this, only I think he's worse.

[Someone Else]

Thanks for changing the description MD! I decided to update Tuesdays and Fridays instead of only Fridays, because the story is fairly long and everyone would start to get tired of waiting if I only did it Fridays.

[Caael]

It's funny, but not as funny as this:

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=TObFvcBYXF8

[Toasty]

For some reason, I didn't find that funny.

I do look foreward to chapter one of whatever this story is though.

[Lemontime]

I'm in love.

[PDM]

It should prove to be an entertaining story. I suggest if it's already complete, you post it all at once, though.

[Folcon]

Today is Tuesday, where's our update?

[Someone Else]

PDM, on Jun 12 2007, 07:20 AM, said:

It should prove to be an entertaining story. I suggest if it's already complete, you post it all at once, though.

But that would be just another story that you would read, laugh, then ignore.

[Someone Else]

Chapter 1: Fired
I bet this would be a good time to tell the story of the only time I've ever been fired. I was working as a waiter in a ****ty restaurant (and I mean ****ty as in I called the health inspector with an anonymous tip twice) and honestly I was sick of it. I had a job as an airport security guard that started in a few days (which incidentally I quit today, the ****ing new rules are going to stay in place for a long time), and I went in that day planning to walk up to the boss like I was going to clock out like normal, only I was going to spin around and do that Ace Ventura talking out of your ass thing. I was going to give him my notice of resignation like that.

One of my last customers of the day was a 500-pound stereotypical valley girl, fake tan and all. She had this horrible voice; I can't really describe it, but imagine The Nanny crossed with Rosanne. A horrible noise that came from the bowls of Satan after a three-day feast of microwave burritos and corn husks. She liked to talk, she liked to talk as she thought her voice was sweet candy for our ears, and I think at some point my inner ear bones must have stuffed their fingers in themselves and went "LA LA LA LA LA I cant hear you LA LA LA LA LA LA" because at one point I actually couldn't hear anything for a few minutes.

This girl, she had no idea what to order, so she wanted me to help her choose. I don't have a problem with doing this, it's part of the job and besides, I work here, and I know what's good and what's not. You ever see that bit of Tiny Toons where two extremely fat people enter a restaurant, order a ton of food, and then the waiter asks if they'd like an appetizer and then the fat ****s respond, "That is the appetizer."

"Good evening ma'am, are you ready to order?"

"Yeah, I'll have the grilled chicken salad, and a full rack of ribs please."

"Excellent choice, and would you like an appetizer?"

"That is my appetizer."

I thought it was a joke, I really honestly did. I started laughing, and it was then that I remembered that the fat couple from the cartoon was called the Fatbutts. Heh heh, fat butts.

Anyway, I started laughing, and so did she, even though she had no idea what she was supposed to be laughing about, which gives you an idea of what she was like. I, taking her laughter as a sign that it really was a joke, asked her again.

"No really ma'am, would you like an appetizer?"

"I told you, that is the appetizer."

And yet another cartoon reference. You remember that dentist cat from Rocko's Modern Life, Dr. Huchensomthing, who would always tilt her head and go "Kay?" At that particular moment in time, that was me.

"Alright ma'am, I'll be back with your 'appetizer' as soon as possible."

"Good, run along little wage slave."

I was halfway to the kitchen before my mind processed what she just said to me. Now remember, I came into work that day with every intention to quit, and I have just been insulted by someone who I consider to be a lesser being. I stiffen up, spin around on my heel and kinda goose-step to her table.

"Ma'am, the owner of the restaurant has informed me that I am to offer you a drink from the bar, on the house."

"Oh wow really? Do you have a drink list?"

"Not on me, but may I make a recommendation?"

"LOL ok."

"Bleach with an ammonia chaser."

I spun on my heel and goose-stepped back to the kitchen before the information could find it's way through the fat around her skull and reach the chewy carmel center that is her brain.

I keep serving her, even though she had an angry look on her face the whole time. Actually she was trying to look angry, but with all the flubber on her face the effect was an angry Pillsbury Dough-boy. I wanted to get a mop handle and poke her in the stomach with it. Even if she didn't make the Hu-Huuuu noise I'd bet she'd at least jiggle for an hour.

At the end of the day when I went in to clock out my boss went "Ah-hem".

"Hold on, before you do anything, just let me say one thing."

He thought for a moment, then he said "OK, do what you gotta do". Oh my dear sweet god I have wanted to do this since the second week. They will etch those words on your tombstone, and historians will list those six words as one of the top ten bad ideas in the history of bad ideas. I'm not sure what the ranking will be, I'm assuming number one, but just in case one of the judges is related to Mrs. Creosote back there I'm not picking any numbers just to be safe.

Real quick I want you to go back and read the last few sentences of paragraph one. Yeah, that's right, operation Brown Fury was still go. I spun around, bent over and grabbed my ass checks and used them like a puppet while I sang a rousing rendition of I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy.

"OH I'M A YANKEE DOODLE DANDY! A YANKEE DOODLE DOO OR DIE!"

"..........."

"A REAL LIFE NEPHEW OF MY UNCLE SAM! BORN ON THE FOURTH OF JULY!"

"Stop."

"I'VE GOT A YANKEE DOODLE SWEET HEART!"

"Stop!"

"SHE'S MY YANKEE DOODLE JOY!"

"STOP!"

"What's the matter boss? Don't you love America?" (Still doing the ass puppet thing)

"What in gods name do you think you're doing?"

"Burning bridges with the power of a 500 megaton nuclear bomb?"

"For the love of god, why?"

"Hey, speaking of bombs, where's the nearest bathroom?" (poop humor, booooo.)

"You're fired."

"By the bowels of Satan, you cannot be serious."

"Get out."

"Well sir, from one ass to another, it's been nice working for yah. Good day sir."

[Blue]

xDDDDDDDDD
Thats how I should have quit my Fry's job.

[gsninja]

Wow. That was SO funny! XD

[Aquamarine]

Rofl, that was good.

[FlamingDuck]

ROFLcoptered.

[Someone Else]

I think I'm going to update Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays now. I know, I know, this is the last time I'm going to change the dates. Next time you guys see a modzor, PM them for me until the description is changed.

[Lemontime]

I liked the first one better...

[PDM]

The first was really good. This one was not quite so funny. But I still enjoyed it. :)

[Someone Else]

Update, then it's sleepy time.

[Someone Else]

Chapter 2: Good Mothers
Here's another story about the old restaurant I worked in. I only worked at there for three months, and even though I hated the job, it had one nice perk. The boss, in the one good thing he will ever do, created the "Take **** and give ****" rule. The rule stated that if someone gave you ****, you give them **** right back, and it was the only reason myself and others put up with everything else for as long as we did. (Note, in the last story I got in trouble because there is one exception to the rule, rich **** will be taken with a smile and a nod)

So anyway, one Thursday morning a group that I can only describe as a mother hen and her flock came in. No bull****, the lady had 8 kids, ages 1-8. (Yay Tennessee) I look around desperately for another waiter who was closer to them that I was. Oh, hey, fun new rule, the orbit rule. That rule says that whoever is closer to the customer when they ask for a waiter, then guess what? I hated that rule, so much bull****.

I looked around again, and hey, there's Josh the resident Metal-Head/Conspiracy nut. Oh look, he's three tables behind me, and now he's heading for the break room. Josh you *******.

"Waiter!"


****.

I put on a fake smile, grab some menus and walk over to them.

"Welcome to Hell's Kitchen (not real name, might as well be) ma'am, how may I serve you today."

(Another note, I'm going to try to type the words how she pronounced them.)

"We'd lik us some brakfast thar pretta boy."

(Pretty boy? The hell?)

"Of course ma'am, do you know what you would like or should I come back in a few minutes?"

"Nah, we'un knows whats we wants."

"Alright ma'am."

"First all, about ta ordas of bizkits and gravy." (I swear, I love biscuits and gravy, but I will never ever order them in a restaurant, because no matter how hard you try to say biscuits and gravy, all anyone else hears is BIZKITS UND GRAVY PLEAZE.)

"Alright ma'am, what else?"

"Three orders of scr-"

She stops and sniffs the air, much like her close relative canis domesticus would.

"Whut smellz like fruit in heare? (I like to smell nice, shut up.)

"Uh, I believe that would be me ma'am, it covers up the smell of cooking oil."

"Whut ar you, some kinda ******?"

"Excuse me, ma'am?" (I was being nice because this was one of the big senders to which the **** rule does not apply.)

"You heard me boy, is you a queer?"

"Ma'am, I'd just rather smell like strawberries than baked grease." (Shut up)

"I bet yu is a collage boy, isn you a collage boy?"

"Ma'am, I fail to see how that affects the quality of your meal, ma'am."

"Oh well ain't you smart, ain't you clever, they teach yu a lot at that thar fancy collage? Cause they shud ah tought yu some manners." (I was actually a little surprised that she knew a big word like manners, and pronounced it properly to boot.)

I was prepared to eat some more ****, smile and say, "Thank you ma'am, may I have another", when I saw my boss standing outside the kitchen door. As much as we hate each other, we both had one thing in common. We hated dumb **** rednecks more. He gives me the go-ahead sign, (the horns if you really want to know), and I put on a great big **** eating grin.

"Actually ma'am, they didn't teach me manners, my parents did that. They taught me to say yes ma'am and yes sir, and they also taught me that I should only say yes ma'am and yes sir to people I respect and that there are some people who do not deserve to be called ma'am or sir. So, *****, no they didn't teach me manners in college, they didn't have to. They still taught me many things though, like proper use of birth control for one. I see your little demonic crotch spawn don't like to be lonely, why else would you make so many of them? That's right, *****; I called them little demons. Buy the looks of it; you're shooting for an even dozen. I'm assuming you get a monthly check for each one.

"OH, and you know what else they taught me in college, I can count past twenty and I don't even have to take off my shoes to do it! Oh, don't you give me that look; you got yourself into this. Oh by all means, call for the owner. I assure you that you mean less to him than the contents of little Lucifer Juniors diaper. Now just get up and leave, and try not to let the door hit you, lest the impact shake another one loose."

Not the funniest comeback ever, but goddamn it felt good. The monthly check line was brilliant though.


I have lived as few men dare to dream.

[Split Infinity]

This guy, existant or not, is a genius.

[Lemontime]

I'm gonna go with God..

[Aquamarine]

This dude that writes this stuff is really full of ideas.

[PDM]

I hope he gets to a new topic soon.

His rants about his work as a waiter are starting to get old.

[Someone Else]

Dude, there's only 2 chapters and you're complaining about it getting old?

[gsninja]

That was great. =D

[PDM]

Wind Dude, on Jun 15 2007, 02:02 PM, said:

Dude, there's only 2 chapters and you're complaining about it getting old?

Yes.

[Lemontime]

He's got you there, WD..

[Someone Else]

Fair enough. The next one still takes place in the restaurant, but you meet his friend. Trust me, you'll love this chapter.

I'MA GONNA ADD YOU ON GUILD WARS LEMON

[Someone Else]

Next chapter you punks.

[Someone Else]

Chapter 3: Intro to Josh

It's about time I introduce Josh. Just so you know, I found Josh in the restaurant's walk-in fridge, eating all the whipped cream. It was all over his face, too. I remember the first thing I said to him, it was, "So are you shaving or are you just having a hard time finding your mouth?" As it turns out, it was both.

Yes, Josh was crazy. But not the, "claw off your face while you sleep" crazy but more, "Ha ha, what's he gonna say next" crazy. I collect that kind of crazy. I never get bored, because I have a big list of crazy people that I can call and ask them any question and they'll go off on a big long rant about how it was Elvis' ascended form that caused 9/11, or it was the ghost of the Hindenburg that caused the Columbia shuttle to crash. You can't make this stuff up folks, that's quality entertainment for free.



Now, Josh was also a special kind of crazy, and I don't mean special as in unique, I mean special as in his father dropped his head on the floor a few too many times as a child. Except replace child with 16 year-old, father with dealer, and floor with a giant bucket of crack.

Josh was what you get when you cross Ozzy Osborn, that Time Cube guy, and an angry bulldog. Josh was dumb, Josh was crazy, and Josh was violent. In short, my kinda guy. Josh was a lot of fun, because you could tell him that the dog over there was a football in disguise, and he'd run up and kick the doberman pissing on the tree outside the restaurant, and he'd come back bloody and battered, and he'd just look at you and say, "That football had big teeth." And you'd say, "Ha ha, silly Josh, get a trash bag to lay on the seat, and I'll drive you to the hospital." Josh was awesome.

Enough back-story though, let's get to the good part. I was waiting tables, and there were only two people eating there, so I dealt with them while Josh mopped because we didn't let him out of the back room if we could help it. So one of the guys I'm serving starts ordering beer, lots of beer. If I told you to picture a stereotypical Texan, this guy is what you'd be picturing. Worn out blue jeans, snake skin boots with spurs on them (?), that little weird string-tie thing, long button up shirt, hat bigger than his torso, and a belt buckle you could melt down and make three or four cars and have enough leftover for a suit of armor. That kinda guy.

He keeps ordering beers, and I keep bringing them to him, and soon I discover that he's a violent drunk. I spilled a little beer bringing one to him. He takes a swing at me. I dodge it. He takes another swing at me, I dodge it and throw the beer in his eyes. The other guy at the other side of the row drops some money on his table and takes off, can't say I blame him. Drunk and blind cowboy is swinging wildly trying to hit something soft and fleshy. OK, fine, I can play that game. Violent drunk, meet violent crazy person.

I go to the back room to get Josh, and lead him just outside the door.

"Hey, Josh, see that guy?"

"The bird person?" (He was swinging his arms a lot, so I'll give that one to Josh.)

"Yes, Josh, the bird person. Guess what he did?"

"What?"

"He stole your liver when you weren't looking."

"But I need that to drink!"

"Yah, well, he has it now. And now he can drink twice as much."

"I want me liver back!"

"I don't think he's going to give it back, Josh."

"Bird man is a jackass."

"Yes, birdman is indeed a jackass. Go take your liver back, Josh."

"Take it?"

"Yah, he took it from you. Now you take it back from him."

"Josh get liver back." (Yah, he does the Hulk thing from time to time.)

"Remember Josh; you can't just rip your liver out of him. You have to say the magic word."

"Words of magic? Tell me tell me!"

"Ok, you gotta pin him down, and get on top of him, and say 'imgonnamakeababyinyourbut' three times. But don't say it too fast, he has to understand the words or they won't work. One more thing; before you go, I want you to think of Luci Lu ok?" (I'm such a *******.)

"Why?"

"It'll increase your magic power by giving you a magic trouser wand. Now, what's the magic word?" (Such a ****ing *******.)

"imgonnamakeababyinyourbut!"

"Good boy, Josh! Now go get him, and try to hit him with a flying tackle like I taught you, 'kay?"

"JOSH GONNA GET HIS LIVER BACK!"

Words cannot describe the sight I saw that day. If you opened the Ark of the Covenant and looked inside, you would see an action replay of this, and then your face would melt off from the awesome.

Josh attacked with the power only a retard can muster, the resolve only a crazy person can have, the fury that only a tweaked out crack addict can produce, and making noises I previously believed only a gigantic house-cat orgy could make.

My friends, you have not seen funny until you have see an angry, crazy coke fiend doing a flying tackle at a blinded, drunk Texan, screaming at him to give him back his liver. And then it got better, as Josh pinned the drunken Texan, then started screaming about how he was going to make a baby in his butt. That did it; the Texan, in a Feat of Strength that I'm sure everyone gets when they think their corn hole is about to be forcibly violated, shoved Josh off him and ran screaming for the door. He left his wallet behind. We took the money to pay for the table he broke, and then we mailed it to him. I had to clean up the mess, and Josh got his liver back. It was a piece of beef liver that I had swiped from the kitchen. He ate it.

[Platinum Sun]

Holy crap! When did this thing become awesome?

[Caael]

This is so the best thing in the world.

[FlamingDuck]

I don't believe that, but it's still hilarious as anything.

[Folcon]

*laughing so hard is having trouble breathing*

(Wheeze. Pant)

Okay, I'm good. *breathing levels out* That was funny. I almost pissed myself for laughing so hard.

That was probably more then you wanted to know.

[PDM]

PDM like Josh~

[Caael]

Lol, I read these on the forum that WD isn't mentioning. The next one had me rofl'ing.

[Someone Else]

Chapter 4: Ropeadope and the Trained Attack Retard


Everyone should have their own personal Josh, and I'm only half kidding. It was 10:30 PM on a Tuesday, I was walking Josh home because he's a "danger to himself and others and should not be left alone," Which was only half true, Josh is only a danger to people when I told him to be, otherwise he's a happy retard living in his own little world. He is a danger to himself though; he once tried to hug a moving bus because he thought it was a big puppy.

So we were walking home through a bad part of town, because (1) it's shorter and (2) I had a trained attack retard with me. Right then, I feared nothing.

So, Josh and I were walking home when this big guy jumps out of an ally and brandishes not a gun, not a knife, not even brass knuckles, but some rope. He demands our money and twists the rope as threateningly as one can twist a piece of nylon. I look him in the eyes, then I look at Josh, he looks at me, and we both looked at Mr. Ropeadope-wanna-be-thug. I felt no threat from him.

"So, soaponaroap, how many people do you have to mug before you can level up to a piano wire?"

"Huh? What?"

"Are you on a level based program or something, mug so many people and you can trade your rope for a noose?"

"Shut up!"

"What comes after a noose, a guillotine?"

"Shut up, I'll **** you up man!" He twists the rope again.

"Oh no, not rope burns. Oh, someone help."

"One more word out of you and I'll kill you."

I look at him, I look at Josh, and I get the little grin on my face.

"Hey, Josh, his balls are made of chocolate." Josh likes chocolate.

Josh dives for Ropeadope's balls. Josh really likes chocolate.

Josh finds his target. Josh really, really likes chocolate.

There was an audible squishing sound as Josh bites down. It still makes me cringe when I think about it.

Ropeadope screams, a lot. He vomits, gets up, and runs away as well as he can. Josh spits something out. I decide not to look at it.

"That did not taste like chocolate."

"Whoops, my mistake. Come on, let's go find a gas station and get you a chocolate bar. And some mouthwash."

"I like chocolate!"

"I know you do buddy, I know you do."

And that's the story of the one-balled Ropeadope.

[Platinum Sun]

Josh reminds me of Billy from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy on Cartoon Network. I LAHKE CHAHKAAALIT!!

[FlamingDuck]

That's disgusting. Ewww ;)

[Someone Else]

I almost forgot it was Friday. Almost. But then I remembered, and the next chapter came into form.

Chapter 5: Josh Goes Fishing


Josh was a lot like Forrest Gump, except Forrest is not a former crack addict, or schizophrenic, and he doesn't have the strength of ten gorillas. And on the same page, Josh has never fought in Vietnam, owned a successful shrimp company, or mooned a president, to my knowledge anyway. Josh has also never been fishing before, although he knows what it is. His knowledge of fishing is limited to "Use stick to catch fish."

So I decided one Saturday to take Josh fishing, just to see what would happen. I got him a license, lent him one of my fishing rods, and we were off to the local lake. Once we were there, I showed him how to cast properly, then I rigged up his line, put a minnow on his hook, and told him to cast. He did, almost perfectly. I cast out my line, and then we both sat and waited. An hour passed and we drank soda, ate sandwiches, and shot the **** for a while. And then the worst thing that could have happened, happened. Josh got a bite.

Josh started reeling his line in with some difficulty, while I was wondering what kind of fish this lake could have to put up a fight against Josh. Then the fish jumped, and I got a good look at it. Josh had caught something that he wasn't supposed to catch, Josh had caught a Gar.

For those of you who don't know what a Gar is, I want you to imagine a fish that can grow nine feet long, has armor plates instead of scales, and has a head and set of teeth that resemble an alligator. Oh yah, and they live in the lakes you swim in.

Now, fortunately for me, that kind of gar doesn't live in this lake, what we have is called the long-nose gar. It only grows to about four feet long, and it's head resembles a pair of long nose pliers with teeth attached, lots and lots of teeth. It's still not a very nice fish though, and that's what Josh had caught.

Josh pulled it into the shore, and went to go grab his fish, and when he pulled it out of the water, he stared at that big toothy mouth for all of three seconds, and then he did something incredible.

The gar's mouth was clamped shut so tight that a normal man would need power tools to open it, but Josh is not a normal man. Josh used his immense strength to pry open the fish's jaws, and then proceeded to use the fish like a puppet, and he made it sing Rubber Ducky. Words cannot truly describe this sight, as it was both nightmarish and hilarious at the same time, so this would be a good time to stop.

[gsninja]

Josh is so awesome...Now I wish I had a trained attack retard. =)

[Nyktos]

That chapter was a bit below average, but still good.

[Lightning Star]

Oh my god. I didn't think I'd like this, but my god. This is freakin' hilarious. Seriously, I'm thinking I should become a jerk; it'd be fun. ;)

It's also hilarious 'cause I know a guy named josh who is also retarded XD

[Caael]

gsninja, on Jun 22 2007, 09:51 PM, said:

Josh is so awesome...Now I wish I had a trained attack retard. =)

I have a friend less crazy, and no crack, but he's quite like this. He will pretend to rape guys because he can.

[Someone Else]

Yeah, this one isn't as good as the others, I agree. The next one is better, but I might end the story with it or post up the epilogue another day. The epilogue is short, so I might just post it with the chapter on Monday.

[Toasty]

And here I thought this wouldn't be all that great. Aside from the crude humor and language, you could almost read this to a four year old as a bed time story. ;)
I'm looking foreward to the next chapter.

[Someone Else]

Advertise this story in your signature guys. I know for a fact that some people are probably avoiding this topic because they think a story about a jerk wouldn't appeal to them.

[The Wind Seer]

Ok. I am going to read this later since I don't have enough time.

[Toasty]

I don't think you really had to say that. You could've just read it later and commented, which would've been more useful, but I guess bad habbits die hard.

[Someone Else]

Advertise it, you slouches.

[PDM]

Look at my sig, you slouch.

[Someone Else]

Chapter 6: Halloween

I have one more really 'epic' story about Josh, the rest are just stuff like how if you gave Josh a spoonful of peanut butter he'd try to scrape it off the roof of his mouth with his tongue, like a dog would.

It's the story of how last Halloween I dressed Josh up like a werewolf and used him to scare the **** out of, and probably scar for life, a bunch of little 14 year-old kids who were going around egging houses on my block.

It was about 10:00 PM and I had just gotten back from taking Josh Trick-or-Treating, which was an experience in itself. Imagine opening your door to find the Grim Reaper and a 32 year-old retard dressed up like the Wolf-man. We got some weird looks that night.

So, we got back home and Josh was digging through his candy bag looking for chocolate, (Josh like chocolate!) and I told him to slow down, when I spot some movement outside the window. I turn to get a better look, and I see some jackass kids egging houses a few streets away. I decided to keep an eye on them, and if they came near my house I'd throw eggs back at them. I turn around to tell Josh to stop eating so fast when I notice he still hasn't taken his costume off. A plan was formed.

Cut to Josh hiding behind a tree on the right side of the yard, and me hiding behind some bushes on the left side of the yard. (Left and right if you're facing the street if you need to know.) I was holding a dozen eggs in my left hand, my right hand is flat and facing Josh, as in the signal for hold I taught him five minutes ago. Josh had been promised half my candy if he stays absolutely silent until I give him the signal, the horns. (I felt it was appropriate, since as soon as I throw them up things are going to rock out loud.)

The jackass kids were approaching from the left, as planned. I continue to give the hold signal. The little ****s stop in front of my house. Hold. They started talking to each other; I can't hear what they're saying. Hold. The biggest of the group grabs an egg. Hold. So do the rest of them. Hold. The big one winds up like a major league pitcher. I threw up the horns.

Josh leaps from behind the tree, screaming like only Josh can. He sounded like one of those fast zombies from Half-Life 2. The kids simultaneously drop their eggs and probably a load. They scream like little girls and run like hell in my direction. I pop out from behind the bushes and start hitting their faces with eggs.

So let's take a moment and a look at the world through these kids eyes. You're a 14 year-old who thinks he's tough ****, and you and your buddies go out egging houses. You're about to egg a house when suddenly a werewolf leaps out from behind a tree and starts running towards you on all fours and screaming like something that should not exist. You start to run away when suddenly the Grim Reaper pops out from behind some bushes and starts throwing eggs at you. So they did what anyone else would do in that situation. They collapsed on the ground and pissed themselves.

I tell Josh to stop and go inside, which he did, and then I look down at the pitiful sight the kids are. I hit the two I missed with a few more eggs and tell them to get lost. They quickly got up and ran away as fast as their piss and **** covered legs cold carry them. I wonder how they explained that to their parents.

I got back inside and spent the rest of that night throwing candy at Josh from my couch and watching him catch it in his mouth.

[Platinum Sun]

Wow, that was even better than my patented anti-halloween-vandals load-up-a-paintball gun-with-gumballs method!

[Toasty]

Try a potato gun shooting flaming pine cones. But not AT anyone, just in their general direction.

I just thought that up fyi.

[Someone Else]

I'll post the Epilogue tomorrow. It isn't really worth waiting until Wednesday. It's short and not really intending to be funny.

[Lightning Star]

XDDD That's great, as always. This guy's a genius, but I'd hate to get on his bad side.

[Folcon]

lightningstar, on Jun 25 2007, 08:51 PM, said:

XDDD That's great, as always. This guy's a genius, but I'd hate to get on his bad side.

I just don't want to get on his bad side when Josh is around.

[Someone Else]

Epilogue: More on Josh

As for where Josh is now, I have no idea. One day, 7 months ago, his caretaker woke up to find his window open and his room empty. He doesn't have any family, currently, so the police aren't really looking for him. He's a low priority case.


Through a little bit of Internet sleuthing I found one of Josh's old caretakers, and he's sent me a picture of him.
http://img266.imageshack.us/img266/9571/joshandalexba4rx2.jpg

The one on the left in the black shirt is Josh, who actually looks pretty normal in this photo. The one on the right with the tie is one of Josh's old caretakers, Alex, who sent me this picture. This was taken about five years ago, before I meet Josh. That's all I know about it.

The caretaker who sent this to me was not aware that Josh was missing, so I'm going to have to call him and talk to him for a little bit.

I miss him, trained attack retard or not he was my friend.

"As I walk in the valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil, for I have a trained attack retard."

[Folcon]

So, is that all there is, or is it just the end of the stuff conserning Josh?

[Someone Else]

It's the end. If he had more interesting stuff to talk about, I'm not aware of it.

[Split Infinity]

Boo! Make up some more!

[Someone Else]

Rofl, I could never make up stuff as good as this guy could. I'll be making some comics instead so if you want to read a series, go look at WD's Bored Comics

[Lemontime]

Where can I purchase one of these attack retards?

[Lightning Star]

Just go down to the border. (I'm so racist XD)

As for Josh, I actually feel sad for the author of this story. Josh seems like a guy that you'll never forget.

[PDM]

Lemontime, on Jun 27 2007, 04:40 AM, said:

Where can I purchase one of these attack retards?

Just because I'm not trained to attack doesn't mean you can't love me D:

[R-dog]

I'm sure we can train you, PDM, :) lol

[PDM]

I'm untrainable~ josh was a natural

[Someone Else]

It's not too late PDM, I believe in you! Use Splash Attack!

[Someone Else]

Bumped for awesomeness.

[Toasty]

Lol'd at the splash attack.

[Someone Else]

Why does this topic keep going down here? It's never gonna die, y'know!

[Toasty]

How about we take turns reviving it? That way we won't get slapped for double posting!

[Someone Else]

Good plan. Go for it.

[FlamingDuck]

Far more hilarious. By far. But it's Something Awful, so watch where you read it.

[Split Infinity]

Some guy there called The Pitbull got banned for 2427 hours...

[Someone Else]

MY TURN TWO BUMP

Next time it's your Mr.T!!

[Toasty]

*bump*

It's like 80's disco dancing!

[Split Infinity]

*report*

[Toasty]

You can't report us because 1) It's more than 5 posts, 2) We aren't double posting, and 3) We're on topic because this is WD's thread.

SO THERE.

[Split Infinity]

Up yours, fatboy!

[Toasty]

Well you're the one with manboobies fatty!

[Split Infinity]

FATTY FATTY BOOMBALATTY!!

[Toasty]

...*leaves*

[Split Infinity]

*bows*

[Toasty]

....
*rapes*

[Split Infinity]

Rawr!

[Toasty]

...eww. Just, eww.

[Split Infinity]

Hmm? Oh, that's just my pussy talking. Don't mind her.

[Toasty]

WHOA!
I did NOT need to hear that!!

[Split Infinity]

I enjoy scarring people for life.

[PDM]

*reports*

[Someone Else]

^ And with all that there's a fair chance this'll be locked. Good job idiots.

[Platinum Sun]

Don't worry about it, locking a topic just makes it cooler and immprtalizes it via future references. *points at wheat sword topic.*

[Split Infinity]

Quick, Platinum! Douse this thread with your wheat sword magic and immortalise it forever!

[Toasty]

I'm not sure if it's possible to make an Ultimate Post in this thread.
But if anyone could do it, it'd be PS since he's the only one to ever do it before.

[Someone Else]

This topic radiates enough awesome already. Too much could cause the world to implode from the high levels of awesome.

Just me posting in this thread throws the awesome into dangerously high levels!!

[Toasty]

My awesome o' meter shows no such thing. :P

[Split Infinity]

Nope, but my gaydar is showing readings off the charts whenever I come in.

[Someone Else]

That isn't supposed to be an ability for straight men to have.

[Ironsight]

that doesnt say much for you though...

[Split Infinity]

http://img337.imageshack.us/img337/8849/gydarec2.png

We're converging on your position!

[Ironsight]

Estimated Time of Arrival: now

[Split Infinity]

Hey everyone, DarkSword's here!

[Platinum Sun]

Ok, I've got it. I'm going to Mini-Wheat Sword this topic, (Wheat Dagger if you will...) by honoring it with a bump and a shameless plug for my jerk story. And of course, this post deserves a second helping of spam:
Try new Kellog's Frosted Mini-Wheat Sword!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v666/porygoniv/FrostedOriginalMinis.gif

[Ironsight]

is this "wheat Dagger" a challenge to my awsomeness?

[Someone Else]

Who are you anyway, self-proclaimed "awesome" DarkSword?

[Ironsight]

i the guy that lives in a town with copyrighting issues

[Wiflewood]

If your sig is your philosophy of sex I really wouldn't want to be on the receiving end.

Annihilate is also spelled like that.

I must say I never read the 'I'm a Jerk' stories.

[Someone Else]

Well then, what's keeping you?

[Platinum Sun]

Yes, "When in Rome," You might say.

[Split Infinity]

Rome? But I thought...

http://www.qarl.com/qLab/pile/300/SPARTA.jpg

[Platinum Sun]

No, different empire of conquest.

[PDM]

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y30/betrayer93/SWLUKE2.jpg

[Platinum Sun]

A real empire of conquest.

[PDM]

http://www.hcgamer.hu/gamer/images/cikkek/2007_01/jack_thompson.jpg

[Platinum Sun]

One, before there was Television.

[Someone Else]

Jack Thompson is overrated. Really, he's just a cranky old man yelling at kids to stay off his lawn.

[FlamingDuck]

Way better.

I'm not hating, but it is.

[Folcon]

Wind Dude, on Jul 18 2007, 06:46 PM, said:

Jack Thompson is overrated. Really, he's just a cranky old man yelling at kids to stay off his lawn.

Jack Thompson falls under the catagory of overbearing assholes that just want to force others to see things thier way. He wants to take away the fun that is video games. Is there a topic where we can talk trash about this guy? I really don't like him.

[FlamingDuck]

Click the link dangit and stop talking about Jacko!

[PDM]

Wind Dude, on Jul 18 2007, 03:46 PM, said:

Jack Thompson is overrated. Really, he's just a cranky old man yelling at kids to stay off his lawn.

Thanks for thinking I was serious.

[Toasty]

escout, on Jul 19 2007, 12:52 PM, said:

Jack Thompson falls under the catagory of overbearing assholes that just want to force others to see things thier way.

Kind of like Al Gore and global warming. Or Liberals and being nice to terrorists.

[Someone Else]

stfu

[Someone Else]

Did you guys really think I wouldn't bump this?

[Ironsight]

Wind Dude, on Jul 28 2007, 02:10 PM, said:

Did you guys really think I would double post this?

yes, we did

[Someone Else]

Bumped for all to enjoy.

[Drizzy Drake]

I've read this before. Don't remember where though. Funny ****.