[Platinum Sun]

Ok, I can’t count how many times I’ve been asked to tell this story by my friends, so I figured that writing it down would be the next logical step. Before I start I want to say that this is probably the meanest thing that I’ve ever done. The rest of the time I’m a perfectly nice kid. Well… maybe not “perfectly”… or “nice”… but you know, tolerable.

Anyway, the only disclaimer that you’re going to get is this one: If you don’t want to read the story of how I made a kid cry, no one’s forcing you, just skip right on by this one. For those of you still reading: Thank you, it’s good to know that there’s someone else out there that enjoys the suffering of others. Now that that’s settled, I’ll set the scene for you.

First, I have this friend. Let’s call him… Travis Dean-Nich Morrell. Here's a link to his myspace page. Ok, now that his anonymity is preserved, I can continue. Travis, (I mean “Doom Eclipse” fancy nicknaming jerkwad…) has a job, but he’s too lazy to go get his license. Enter, me. No job, but I have both a car and a license. So there’s a symbiosis that occurs between the rich shut in, and me, the unemployed loaner with a car.

Basically, he pays me to do stuff and drive places. Which is somewhat demeaning, but I’m ok with it. He’s pretty cool and it’s nice to get to hang out with him, and it saves me from needing a job. (plus I can follow him around yelling “Phr33 stuff pl0x!!” and he’ll actually give me things. That never works online!) It was during one such transaction that our story takes place.

He called me and asked if I wanted to go pick up something for him at Wal-Mart. It was a bit late in the evening, (About 7:30) but I agreed because I had the time to spare and trips to Wal-Mart usually mean that I get free stuff. So I went to the Dominoes that he works at to meet him. He gave me about $130 and told me to go buy him a DS Lite and pokemon Diamond. It wasn’t quite enough to buy both, but he said that he’d cover whatever I spent. I agreed and was off to Wal-Mart. I was kind of bummed that his shift didn’t end until 11:00 so he couldn’t come, but I was still willing to do it.

When I got to electronics, I found that they had a DS Lite in stock, but Diamond and Pearl were both sold out. Now this was a Super Wal-Mart mind you, so I was a little irritated that they didn’t have it. I mean seriously, the place is so big that cell reception differs based on where you’re standing! Speaking of which, I had to walk all the way to auto parts before I could get a signal to call my friend. He said just buy the DS. I did, and by about 9:00, pulled into Dominoes with it, and the remaining $17.

I gave him the DS, said good night, and was about to leave, but he stopped me at the door and said:
“There are other Wal-Marts out there. Could you go to the next one out?”
Still attempting to leave, I replied:
“No way. The next Wal-Mart is an hour drive out, and they might be sold out too.”

That second one was the more valid excuse. I know that he wanted to pay to send me on a wild goose chase as much as I wanted to go on one. But my next move was calling my mother to check if I could go. (And hoping that she would say no.) And she had the bright idea of calling customer service and checking the stock. I called and they said that they had a couple left. I was out of excuses, so I had to just make my stand.

“Dude, it’s late and I’m not going out to another Wal-Mart just because you have to have Pearl right now. This $17 is barely going to cover all the gas I’m using. Just, no. I won’t do it.”
So he said:
“When I get my paycheck, I’ll pay you back and give you double what you spent.”

So I’m driving to the next-closest Wal-Mart; I’m feeling totally exploited and pissed off about all this, and it didn’t get any better over the course of the drive. Especially since she said that they only had a few left. I just checked the stock, you can’t do layaway over the phone, so they might be sold by the time I get there. But I stood to earn about $70, which is a lot when you don’t have a job, so I gritted my teeth and bared it.

Now I’m doing the classic angry muttering shuffle over to electronics at 10:00 at night to look for pokemon Diamond. I probably looked completely insane. Regardless, I got to electronics and started looking for Pokemon. I saw two tags that said Pokemon in the DS rack, and behind them, I saw two empty slots.

I was about to flip out and start smashing stuff when I noticed that they both said Diamond. So I kept looking and found one last copy of Pearl Version way down in the corner. I thought, that’s it. He’s gonna get Pearl Version and he’s gonna freakin’ like it!

So I ran off to find a Wal-Mart guy to unlock the case. When I returned with the blue-shirted woman that had the keys to release my from this hell I’d gotten myself into, there was this kid there, with his own Wal-Mart guy.

He was opening the case while this like eight year old (Ok, not entirely sure how old he was, too pissed off to care. Snot-nosed brat age, you know.) kid was pulling on his pant leg and saying “I want Pearl!”

That was it. I jumped out from behind the X-Box rack and I yelled:
“No! **** you kid!”
Much more loudly than I had planned to, so that everyone in the area either stared or left during the ensuing events.
He stepped back and he was like:
“What? I didn’t do anything!”
“I want that game too, and I was here first.”
“Yeah? Well my Wal-Mart guy was here first.”
“Well, our Wal-Mart guys could fight to the death.”

I don’t believe that his Wal-Mart guy gave any sort of real reaction to my saying that, and if he did, I guess it didn’t make much of an impression on me. Mine however gave a sort of irritated sigh. I don’t think that she was really mad at me, she just gave me that “I can’t believe I got stuck working in this craphole” look.

This wasn’t getting me anywhere, so I tried to calm down a little bit and try for some diplomacy.

“Isn’t it past your bedtime kid? Come back tomorrow, they’ll have restocked by then.”
“No! I want it now!”
Unfortunately, so did my friend. The age card had only pissed him off, so I had to try something else.

“I’ll flip you for it.”
“No.”
“I’ll give you ten bucks.”
“NO! I’ll never let you have it!”

What the heck? What kind of grade school kid says “no” to anything when you offer them ten bucks? I don’t know who (or where for that matter) this kid’s mother was, but she raised one stupid, angry little *******. (And she must be deaf or something too, you’d think that all the screaming would’ve attracted her attention by now…)

Before I could start yelling again, my Wal-Mart lady tapped me on the shoulder. She said:
“You know you really should let him have it. He’s just a kid and he called to confirm it and everything.”

Deep down my conscience was saying that I should, but money talks too, and it talks a hell of a lot louder. That’s what prompted me to whip open my cell phone and rub the call history in her face. It turned around and readied myself to resume my attack.

I wouldn’t lose without a fight. What have I got in my column? I called ahead, of course, this is the second Wal-Mart I’ve been to today, I’ve been driving for a total of almost three hours and I’m still an hour away from home, cash reward, and the knowledge that Travis will probably make me do this again if I come back empty-handed. What’s the kid got? He’s Eight, that’s his only advantage. And as for his motivation? Spoiled. Brat. The stakes were too high, I had to think of something.

“You’re mean!” He said.
“You’re no prize yourself”
“If you don’t let me have it, I’ll cry.”

Oh, snap. Add another notch to his column. He’s got some persuasive tools in his arsenal. He’d been dangerously close to tantrum territory for some time now. I knew he wasn’t bluffing. He was the type of kid that would cry to get attention, piss you off, make a point, let alone get what he wants. In this instance he could do all four. As powerfully as I was motivated by my own rage, and as much as I hated that little snot, I still didn’t want him to cry. At least… not while I was there…

He had dialed up the urgency on my need for a new plan of attack. I glanced around for inspiration. I saw that the guy who had been playing the Guitar Hero 2 demo had ran off at the crying threat. I figured another joke suggestion would buy me a little time.

“Guitar Hero challenge?” I asked.

His eyes lit up.

“What song?”

From the expression on his face, I knew that I had him. Not that I knew the first thing about actually playing Guitar Hero, (I’d played a grand total of about Twelve minutes in my life and was promptly banned from playing because I threw my friend’s controller on the floor in frustration trying to get through Carry on My Wayward Son.) but a new plan was already forming in my mind.

“Freebird. Medium.” I said.
“You’re on!”

He ran over to the X-Box demo and selected the song. I didn’t know much about the game still, but I knew that Freebird was a majorly long song and it took awhile before the guitar part did anything cool, or difficult. I knew that, at that point, when the rockin’ solo came, he would be distracted, and I would get my chance.

I stood next to him and watched as he played with impressive finesse and flawless style. I almost got distracted myself, this kid was kickin’ ass! He stood there, playing with a savant-like focus that I would’ve called beautiful if not for the fact that I totally hated his guts. As I watched him, I knew that it would be now or never, if I waited any longer I risked being humiliated in a game of Guitar Hero in addition to not getting Pearl.

I walked back to the DS case, grabbed the game and circled around to the cashier at the other end of the electronics section. She actually had a job to do, so she hadn’t been paying attention to any of this. I casually paid for the game and left. The solo was still going perfectly as I moved out of earshot, but it was getting close to the end, so I booked it out into the parking lot back to my truck. People probably would’ve thought that I was stealing something if I didn’t have a Wal-Mart bag in my hand.

After a much more satisfying drive back, I arrived at Dominoes just in time for Travis to ask for a ride home. (Freaking bum…) But I was too proud of my victory to care. He was a little disappointed that he got Pearl instead of Diamond, but after hearing what I had to do to get it, he promised to play it and cherish it for a good long time. He of course told everyone about it, and since I, apparently, am the only one that’s good at telling it, I was roped into retelling this account a number of times. My annoyance with this was what led me to write all this down, and that, I believe, was where you came in. So that’s my story. Let me know what you think, or just chastise me for ruining some kid’s childhood I don’t care. Just be quick about it.

[Folcon]

Kickass, that kid deserved it.

[TheEnglishman]

That's pretty funny. I reckon I've got the same Guitar Hero skill (obviously not the kid's).

[Golden Djinn13]

LMAO

I can't stand little kids that act like that. You have gained my respect for stealing a pokemon game from an eight year old. :P

[FlamingDuck]

The kid may have deserved it, but that's pretty mean. MEANYFACE!! I'M TELLING MY MOMMY!

[Wiflewood]

Nice story :)

Although I doubt it'd impress the ladies down the pub. "Yeah, I stole a pokemon game from an 8 year old, it was really cunning and awesome and everything!"

I reckon I'm probably gonna do the same if someone gets the last Harry Potter book on firday :P

[Platinum Sun]

I somehow doubt that you have a Guitar Hero demo at your local Barnes and Noble. And if you do, I really must know where you live because you have to coolest bookstore ever!

[Ironsight]

good thing this took place in another town or youd be one of the most hated people there after that

[My Best Wishes]

Dude Wtf.
You distract a 8 year old with Guitar Hero (which is awsome, I have minor skills.) and then buy Pearl...Wow.
I was laughing though.

[PDM]

OMFG THAT WAS YOU? I HATE YOU!

I did get top score on the demo, though. (:



Seriously though, that story was.. awesome. Write it all down again!

[Golden Legacy]

Haha, absolutely hilarious, in a reluctant-mean sort of way.

I like the storytelling there, makes it all the more sweeter. Nice one, PS.

[Someone Else]

Oy! If you like this, then read this: http://www.goldensun-syndicate.net/forum/i...showtopic=10742

It's as good as this except The Jerk is a jerk with justification... somewhat.

[PDM]

Plat's story was better.

[Someone Else]

PS doesn't have a trained attack retard with levels of awesome that could make Chuck Norris cringe.

[Lightning Star]

Hm, not as funny as "I'm a jerk but I'm tons of fun" but definitely cunning. XD Kudos to the man in this world who has the guts to stand up to an spoiled 8 year old. Bravo, bravo.

[Split Infinity]

Surely you have more tales of your adventures with this ridiculously wealthy man!

[Platinum Sun]

Unfortunately, none that would compare to this one in the slightest. I'll think about it though, there might be something of merit that I didn't remember right off.

And WTF WD? Advertizing?! It's not like I put stupid plugs for my topics in your... Oh wait... Dangit!

[Split Infinity]

Hey, what's with the second line of your signature?

[Ironsight]

he was trying to get some lame show up and running again, but no one would sign his petition

[Platinum Sun]

Call Dragon Booster lame again and I'll rip out your testicles through your anus.

[Ironsight]

you would stick you arm up my *** and rip out my nuts ? are you some kind of fruit?

[Platinum Sun]

If that's what terrifies you most then that's what I'll be for the time being.

[Split Infinity]

I signed the petition for that show. It was half decent.

[Platinum Sun]

Kickass! I'm going to go give you five stars. Again!

[Split Infinity]

It won't be enough to make a difference I'm afraid.

[Platinum Sun]

Awww... That makes me sad. :P

No one reveres the king as they should.

[Split Infinity]

I was talking about the petition. XD

[Platinum Sun]

An understandable mistake. TV show revival and gaining respect for you are both pretty much lost causes.

[My Best Wishes]

WD your I'm a Jerk thing is way too long. I read the Prologue, it was just mean. Who does that to a dog seriously.

I love it how we all take PS's side and no one sticks up for the kid.

[Caael]

Who would stick up for a kid who screams and shouts about a game that would be restocked the next day?

PS, you're a good dude. It's what we all would have done.

...I think.

[Someone Else]

watch, on Jul 15 2007, 11:15 PM, said:

WD your I'm a Jerk thing is way too long. I read the Prologue, it was just mean. Who does that to a dog seriously.

Epic Fail... I bet you get bored after 2 paragraphs with most books. I'm looking out for you health, read I'm a Jerk and you'll die happy.

[My Best Wishes]

No actually I'm quite an avid reader.
Just I get bored reading long things on the internet. Even games reviews over a page, I just can't be stuffed. Which is actually why I normally avoid the common room, too much reading.

[Toasty]

I would've torn the game out of his hands, ran as fast as I could to the front of the store, buy it, and then go double the speed limit to get home as I'm sure that the awesome powers of an eight year old crying could catch up to me if I was going any slower.

But I like your way of dealing with things better. I wish I had known about it when I was trying to buy the last lemonade at Quiznos on a REALLY hot day. About a week ago.

But I give a 9/10 for awesomeness.

[Aquamarine]

Wow, this story is great, much better than I'm A Jerk. Good going, PS. Although I can understand the kid who really wanted to play the game and I think you should have just given it to him(I probably would), I congratulate you on your writing skills, your quick thinking and also the fact that you seem to be aware that being good to people you don't know will bring you nothing and that you should grab every opportunity to do an act that you would benefit from.

[PDM]

I would've never thought to the GH2 distraction. ._. I would've been like, "20$?"

And when he said no I'd have given up.

[TheEnglishman]

There's always the ordering online option.

[Platinum Sun]

Screw that! I'm not going to pay for shipping when I can just crush the soul of a small child and pay with the shards of his broken dreams.

[Blue]

PS, teach me your waaaaays. XD

[Toasty]

He should have his own seminar.

[Platinum Sun]

That's the best (and possibly only) idea that you've ever had Toasty. Very well, Lesson one:

If there's something you want that you can't have, don't steal it outright. Many people have some sort of moral objection to this. Instead, creatively acquire it in a manner that reflects cunning and tactfulness. You will not only recieve the item you desire, but will win renown among your peers for doing so.

[Aquamarine]

So THAT is how I should get a Wii...

[Split Infinity]

In other words, suck up to your parents.

[Caael]

Aquamarine, on Jul 17 2007, 02:17 PM, said:

So THAT is how I should get a Wii...

Film it. Put it on the internet. I would pay good money to see an 18-year old with his parents, having a tantrum for a Wii. You'll be rich.

[Aquamarine]

Nah, I don't need to do all of that. My mum knows I want a Wii, and she will get it if possible. It is supposed to be my 18th birthday present, after all.