[Mallick]

I'm sure you've probably heard of him, he started his website way back in '02. He tells stories about stupid/hilarious stuff he did in college and his 20s. This isn't one of his best stories, but, hey, good enough for me to get some of you interested. =p



The Midget Story
We all have dreams. Martin Luther King dreamt of racial harmony. Larry Hagman dreamt of Jeannie. For over a decade, I dreamt of ****ing a midget. One weekend in July of 2006, I finally achieved my dream. It went down like this:

I was at the gym when I got this text message from my buddy DrunkasaurusRex He likes to play with my emotions, so I never take his text messages seriously:

5:51pm DrunkRex: There is a midget convention at the hilton in milwaukee here with my girlfriend and [soylentgreen] is here too.

5:52pm Tucker: **** you

5:53pm Drunkrex: Im dead serious

5:54pm Tucker: I hate you

5:56pm Drunkrex: Soylent has a free roundtrip ticket

6:00pm Tucker: STOP TEASING

He called me a few minutes later, when I was at home, wiping off the sweat and about to cook dinner.

DrunkRex "Did you get my message? I am in Milwaukee with my girlfriend...and there is a midget convention in town this weekend."
Tucker "I got your ****ing message. Come on man, stop playing."
DrunkRex "Tucker, I am DEAD serious. They are everywhere. It's like the circus and The Wizard of Oz are in town at the same time. I swear on my life there are hundreds of midgets here."
[10 second pause]
Tucker "I am on the next flight."

It took me about 40 seconds to throw clothes into a duffle bag. Another 20 seconds to sprint out the door and onto Park Avenue. I was in a cab to La Guardia within two minutes of getting the call. The TV and lights were still on in my apartment, I'd left the steak I was going to eat for dinner thawing in the sink, and I was still covered in gym sweat.

None of that mattered; I was finally going to fuck a midget.

In the cab, I was so excited I could barely breathe. I called all my best friends, screaming incoherent babbles about sex with little people. The call to Junior (from "The Vegas Story," which is only published in I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell) was the best:

Junior "What is wrong with you? Why not just get a midget hooker and be done with it?"
Tucker "FUCK THAT. Just because you buy Dwight Gooden's World Series ring off Ebay doesn't mean that you were on the '86 Mets. Some things you can only claim if you have earned them. MIDGET PUSSY, HERE I COME!!"

I was more excited about this than I was when my book hit the New York Times best seller list. I felt like a six year old on the night before Christmas.

At the airport and in line for my ticket, I am forced to fly Midwest Airlines because they are the only airline that cares enough about Milwaukee to fly there. A very nice, very Midwestern couple is in front of me. The man's shirt has a picture of cheese on it.

Tucker "You guys going to Milwaukee?"
Guy "Yes sir, heading home after a vacation."
Tucker "Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee?"
The man and his wife are silent and confused.
Tucker "HUNDREDS OF THEM!"

They turn around and mumble something about crazy New Yorkers. Whatever, they've never ****ed a midget, they don't matter.

The flight was nearly intolerable; my mind was spinning with questions. How do you pick up a midget? Are you allowed to physically pick them up? What is the etiquette for dealing with a midget? When you hug them, can you hold them tight like a teddy bear, and promise to pet them and love them? Do they get pissed if you set your drink on top of their head? No one really talks about this.

What about their day to day lives? How do they get luggage in the overhead bin when they fly? Do they get to live in those cool apartments with the really low door handles and counters? What if a midget punches me in the nuts? Since their arms are too short to reach their crotches, how do they wipe? Or masturbate? Even more to the point, what do their pussies feel like? Are they normal sized? Can they give me head without kneeling? When she's riding me, can I spin her like a top?

I was in Milwaukee by 10pm. My buddy SoylentGreen picked me up, and we were at the Hilton hotel bar by 11pm. I almost hyperventilated upon seeing my first gaggle of midgets. There were six of them, sitting at a table drinking just like normal people, their tiny little legs barely hanging over the seats, tiny little feet dangling like a toddler's. Their Miller Lite bottles looked massive as they gripped them with both of their tiny little hands. Their humongous foreheads and brow ridges were raised in excitement as they laughed at a tiny little joke.

Tucker "You know CPR right? I think my heart might explode."
Soylent "You are so fucking weird."

Then I saw her: My MidgetPrincess. Her blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes made me think of Gwyneth Paltrow. Her missing neck and bowlegs gave me an idea what Gwyneth would look like if placed in a vise and squished to one-quarter size. As her pigeon-toed feet carried her past my table, I slid down in my chair, hoping to catch her eye. She looked at me and smiled, her mashed-up teeth sparkling in the oily light of the popcorn machine. I gave her an unmistakable "I want to **** you" look, she shot me back a quick "My spine hurts" face, and I was smitten.




Rest of the story at http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/...tory.phtml#2380

[Aquamarine]

I can't believe I've never heard of this Tucker Max guy. This **** is hilarious. He reminds me of me in so many ways. Except for the midget thing..

I've gotta read his other stuff.

[Mallick]

Yeah, 'cept he's a bigger asshole and way more awesome than you.

[Aquamarine]

I know... ;_;

[Caael]

****ing LOL is all I have to say on the matter.

[Neo]

Funny as hell. Gotta read more of that guy

[Blue]

Disturbing, highly highly disturbing. D: