[Laharl]

A teacher at a primary school decides to do a speeling test for the class, if they get their spelling right they get a chocolate.

She asks "okay, Sally what have you been doing today?"
"playing in the sandpit"
"okay, if you can spell 'sand' you can have a chocolate"
"S-A-N-D Sand"
"Well done, here's a chocolate for you"

She turns to the next child and says "now, Stephen what have you been doing today?"
"playing in the sandpit with Sally"
"okay, if you can spell 'pit' you can have a chocolate"
"P-I-T Pit"
"Well done, here's a chocolate for you"

then she turns to the next child, "Okay, Mohammed, what have you been doing today?"
"nothing miss, no one will play me with or even talk to me, i've been left on my own."
"that's terible! its blatant racial discrimination!"

"now Mohammed, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' you can have a chocolate"

------------------------------------------------------------

A clairvoyant is performing at a psychic evening, the audience is packed.

"Now, has anyone actually seen a ghost?"

a few people raise there hands

"okay, has anyone talked to a ghost?"

a handful of people raise their hands

"Has anyone made love with a ghost?"

A Welshman raises his hand, "I have!"

"Have you really made love with a ghost?"

"Oh, no sorry, i thought you said goat"

[Split Infinity]

Knock knock.
- Who's there?
Aladdin.
- Aladdin who?
Aladdin the street wants a word with you.

BA-DUM-DUM-PISH!

[Caael]

What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last greatest hit was the wall.

[Shikonaurum]

Dear god, that's... awful. Good one, though. XD

[Golden Legacy]

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"*Anything*."

His voice softens. "*Anything*??"

"*Anything*."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

[Golden Legacy]

Can't help myself, I simply had to post this:


A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.

[Drizzy Drake]

I'm not racist, I have a black man in my family tree. He's hanging there right now.

What's the difference between Micheal Jackson and acne? Acne waits untill you're 13 to cum on your face.

What do a turtle and blondes have in common? When they're on their backs they're fucked.

What do Micheal Jackson and Wallmart have in common? Kids pants half off.

Why do black people where hats with big brims? So birds don't shit on their lips.

What's the difference between a large pizza and a black guy? A large pizza can feed a family of four.

How do you blindfold chink? Dentel floss.

What do you say when you see your TV floating at night? Drop the television nigga.

What's a black priest called? Holy shit.

[Someone Else]

@ GL I've read that one before a long time ago. It's classic. XD

[Split Infinity]

My God, I laughed at every one of those Skidz. XD

[Drizzy Drake]

Yay, I made a funnies.

[Ironsight]

Wow, those are great, Skidz.

[Drizzy Drake]

How long does it take a black women to take a shiit? Nine monthes.

Why are black people good at basketball? They can shoot, steal, and run.

Why are black people so strong? Because TV's are getting heavier.

What do apples and black people have in common? They look good hanging from a tree.

Why are black people so fast? Because they are always running from the police.

Why shouldn't you throw a rock at mexican on a bike? Because the bike might be yours.

Why is a black person liek a vending machine? Neither work, but they both take your money.

How come Caspe is a "friendly" ghost? Because he's white.

[Ironsight]

The first one took me a moment to figure out, then I was snickering. 4th is bad, but funny.

[inthenameofDT]

ha those are all funny.

[Aquamarine]

Your racist jokes are hilarious, Dipsy! I must remember 'em...

[Eugine]

I didn't laugh at this, but a friend of mines insists it is funny o.o

Computer-Literate
A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer.
At the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password -- something he would use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in "p..e..n..i..s".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

hahaha?

[Drizzy Drake]

Yeah, that's funny. Do you just not get it?

[inthenameofDT]

someone has a small cock and the computer says it's not big enough

[Drizzy Drake]

It means the password is not long enough, but since the password is Penis, that's what it's implying, yes.

[Split Infinity]

It's funny because it's such a painfully lame joke.

[Lightning Star]

Men.


Now that's a funny joke :D

Kidding. I like the racist mexican one. I'll remember that for later! :(

[Caael]

Wanna hear a joke?

Womans rights.

[Split Infinity]

Masculism ftw. :(

[Lightning Star]

This is payback for you anti-feminists.I won't be held responsible for tears. Go find your own tissues :(

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions

And my favorite...

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
because they already have boyfriends.

[Split Infinity]

Well, I never...! XD

[Drizzy Drake]

Icy, on Jul 4 2008, 05:50 PM, said:

Men.
Now that's a funny joke :D

Kidding. I like the racist mexican one. I'll remember that for later! :unsure:

Yeah. it funnie.

Icy, on Jul 4 2008, 06:06 PM, said:

This is payback for you anti-feminists.I won't be held responsible for tears. Go find your own tissues :P

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions

And my favorite...

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
because they already have boyfriends.

I'm to lazy to find sexist jokes. So I'll just tell a black joke instead.

What's the differene between bigfoot and a hard working nigger?
Bigfoot's been spotted.

[Eugine]

lol.

Obama jokes -
Is Barack Obama the first Black Man to beat a White Woman and not serve time for it?
The last thing America needs is a black man in the White House begging for change.

Hillary Clinton -
I can understand why Hilary Clinton took so long to announce she wasn't continuing the Democratic candidates selection process, the Clintons are well known for always pulling out at the last minute......

There isn't any John McCain jokes o.o

[Drizzy Drake]

A nigger and a spic jump off the Empire State building. Who lands first?

Who cares?

~3000~

[Gio]

Skidz your joke about the black woman taking a S*** had me and my bro laughing so hard it woke up our parents

[Ironsight]

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?
The god damned dishes if she knows what's good for her.

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the crap out of you.

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.

[Laharl]

moar sexist ones

A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, shes already been told twice.

Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you?
made the chain too long.

[Toasty]

Darksword, on Jul 5 2008, 01:01 AM, said:

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the crap out of you.

I'm usually not a fan of feminist/sexist jokes in general, but that one made me lol. XD

[Caael]

How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent?

When her sentance starts with 'A man once told me...'

[Eugine]

lol.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Fusk off, you won't bring it back."

Why Don't black people go on Cruises?
They're not falling for that one again.

When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so I could make love to her. When I grew up, I realised God didn't work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.

Black jokes are the funniest set of jokes ever. I need more. 2nd one had me lmaoing for the entire night yesterday.

[Split Infinity]

I don't get the falling jokes. Eshplain?

[Drizzy Drake]

Yay, sexist jokes. TAKE THAT ICY!!!

[Eugine]

Split, think of Africans coming to the New World by boat during slavery.

[Laharl]

Dipset, on Jul 5 2008, 01:46 PM, said:

Yay, sexist jokes. TAKE THAT ICY!!!

http://www.roflgirls.com/images/girls/Insurance-Female.jpg

http://www.roflgirls.com/images/girls/girldriver4.jpg

http://www.roflgirls.com/images/girls/women_drivers05.jpg

[Eugine]

What do you call a black woman who has had 10 abortions?
A crime fighter!

[Drizzy Drake]

Well atleast I don't feel bad, now that Eugine is telling them. XD.

[Eugine]

David Beckham's a bit concerned about the size of his manhood so he writes to a problem page in the paper. The problem page gives this advice:
Don't look at your penis from above - look at it in a mirror and you will realise it's much bigger than you think.
Beckham wrote back and said "You were so right - it's 6ft tall in the mirror!"

[Drizzy Drake]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Pussy, why else?

[Split Infinity]

Eugine, on Jul 7 2008, 02:55 AM, said:

David Beckham's a bit concerned about the size of his manhood so he writes to a problem page in the paper. The problem page gives this advice:
Don't look at your penis from above - look at it in a mirror and you will realise it's much bigger than you think.
Beckham wrote back and said "You were so right - it's 6ft tall in the mirror!"

I'm confused.

[Eugine]

Well, basically the joke is saying Beckham is a penis.

[Split Infinity]

...lol?

[Eugine]

=(
Wasn't really funny yeah. I simply smiled.

[Split Infinity]

Should've put in Tom Cruise instead. ;)

[Drizzy Drake]

fail joke is fail

[Ironsight]

That sucked.

[Eugine]

Ah well. All can't be funny ;)

[Ironsight]

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the ***** cook in the dark!

Why do women live longer than men?
Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking.

[Drizzy Drake]

Lmao. Good ones.

[Kuchiyose]

Never join the army with the name Will... because they will fire at you! "FIRE AT WILL" hah I epic fail, at least i got it off my chest xD

[Golden Legacy]

^ LOL.

I actually like that one.

[Caael]

Kuchiyose, on Jul 7 2008, 07:28 PM, said:

Never join the army with the name Will... because they will fire at you! "FIRE AT WILL" hah I epic fail, at least i got it off my chest xD

Old old old old old old old OLD!

Old and totally not funny.

[Split Infinity]

Yeah, was kind of old...

[Eugine]

Sickpedia is boring now. For every 1 good joke, there are like 5 bad ones.

[Drizzy Drake]

Kuchi, that is one of those jokes were you jsut go "ahhhhh" at the end. A facepalm situation definetly.

[Kuchiyose]

Quote

Kuchi, that is one of those jokes were you jsut go "ahhhhh" at the end. A facepalm situation definitely.

http://fc06.deviantart.com/fs24/f/2008/022/6/5/facepalm_gif_by_thatweirdo7.gif

[Ironsight]

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Doesn't matter, feminists can't change anything.

What do women and KFC have in common?
When you're finished with the breasts and thighs all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

[Split Infinity]

Haha, ew. XD

[Ironsight]

http://img136.imageshack.us/img136/6329/1215517144925qg3.th.jpg

[Drizzy Drake]

Darksword, on Jul 8 2008, 08:01 AM, said:

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Doesn't matter, feminists can't change anything.

What do women and KFC have in common?
When you're finished with the breasts and thighs all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

roflcoptor

[Ironsight]

http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/9201/1215517144925hg9.th.jpg

[Laharl]

i went out with a girl last week, she wanted me to treat her like a princess.

So i put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a wall.

[Mallick]

What'd the nigra get on his SATs? Barbecue sauce.

And to keep GL happy, what do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheeze. :x

[Caael]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.. She
looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she
wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that
she probably had a really hot daughter.
>
>
>
We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she
asked if I ever had a 'Sportsman's Double?'.
>
>
>
'What's that?' I asked.
>
>
>
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she
said.
>
>
>
'Oh,' I said as my mind began to embrace the idea,
No I haven't.'
>
>
>
And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
>
>
>
We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight
was 'my lucky night'.
>
>
>
I went back to her place.
>
>
>
We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted
upstairs: 'Mom, You still awake?'

[Ironsight]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols'.

[Moonear]

Anonymous, on Aug 16 2008, 09:15 AM, said:

And to keep GL happy, what do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheeze. :x

Ahahaha, classic! That one always gets me.

[Caael]

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.

St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”

[Split Infinity]

Caael, on Dec 5 2008, 06:58 PM, said:

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.

St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”

http://media.movieweb.com/prod/K/n/m/DVkLimlr85dKnm_l.jpg

[Mycarayne]

Two fish are in a tank.

One says "You man the guns, I'll drive"

[My Best Wishes]

^ :P

http://www.goldensun-syndicate.net/forum/public/style_images/gssv3/snapback.png' alt='View Post' />Split Infinity, on Dec 5 2008, 07:55 PM, said:

And the point of that was.

[Mycarayne]

To show that Tim Allen belongs on a leash?

[Split Infinity]

^ Yes, but also.

http://en.wikipedia....haggy_dog_story

[Mycarayne]

"We've had enough of your shaggy dog stories" - Moes Pub to Barney, The Simpsons.

Something along them lines.

[Split Infinity]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

*BOM-TISH*

[TheEnglishman]

Split Infinity, on Dec 6 2008, 07:13 AM, said:

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one go.

*BOM-TISH*

It's a Tommy Cooper joke. Here's another:
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'